Do I need an opening paragraph? Does today’s post even need any sort of introduction?
This past weekend, my friend Mallory told me that on a THIRD date, the guy she was seeing, Brett, asked her for her urine so he could pass a drug test.
(spits out vodka drink) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Naturally, we had a lot of questions.
Such as...“Shouldn’t you wait until at least date FIVE before discussing drug use?”
Just kidding mom.
No. Nothing about this was OK.
It was so not OK that when Mallory told the group of us four girls about it, we each had a very valid, very different concern about Brett's request.
“If he knew you didn't do drugs, why would he think you'd be OK with the fact that he is a drug user?” asked girl number one.
“Why would he ask you on a THIRD date?” asked girl number two. “Shouldn’t you wait until at least date FIVE before discussing drug use?”
“And how were you supposed to give him your urine? Like in a solo cup?” asked girl number three. “Wouldn’t that take away any sort of romance?”
Perhaps the best point came from girl number four:
“So, basically he has no other friends who have clean urine.”
Mallory tried to answer our questions the best she could, only saying that Brett, this WINNER she met at a minor league baseball game, told her that he had bought a “whizzer,” a pouch/fanny pack that you put either fake pee or someone else’s clean pee into, and you use that liquid instead of your own during a drug test.
“That’s really sick,” my mom chimed in. (Visiting this weekend, overhearing the conversation.)
But Mallory’s question for Brett wasn’t any of the things we had covered.
Instead, she asked, “What do you mean a drug test? I thought you had a job at a fine dining restaurant. They drug test servers at restaurants now?!?”
That’s when Brett broke the news: No, he did not have a job.
He DID have a job at a fine dining restaurant (so he says), but got fired a month earlier, and lied about it when they met so he wouldn’t look like a loser.
And now he's applying for jobs and needs clean pee.
GOOD JOB NOT LOOKING LIKE A LOSER, BRETT.
Mallory shook her head.
“SO...about the whizzer...” he said.