Tuesday, March 17, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Once upon a time, right after college, I dated someone who was a complete idiot (literally an idiot...like he’d fail an IQ test), and to prove my point, he ended things because I was too smart.

His words. He actually said: You’re too smart.

No, wait...the full quote was (earmuffs mom): Your boobs are too big to be so smart.

!!!!!

Haha

I mislead him with my bra size.

Up until that moment in 2007, I didn’t realize that, OUTSIDE OF NETWORK TELEVISION, having a large chest meant I was also not allowed to have a large brain, but Robert found my proportions (pun intended) a deal breaker.

Sure, we weren’t a match at all, even though he was the most attractive person I had laid eyes on in a long time.

We dated for about a month but I became suspicious when I found out he was on probation from pharmacy school because he FAILED A DRUG TEST. (uhhhh...idiot).

Also, I did all of his homework for him.

Hmm...maybe I’M the idiot...

Anyway.

Robert’s bizarre breakup speech followed an awkward dinner with his family where I “ruined” a joke by knowing the definition of something.

(I can’t really explain the joke because it DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.)

After I “ruined” the joke that wasn’t even really a joke, more like a play-on-words but NOT REALLY, BECAUSE IT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE, the tension was enough for Robert to announce to everyone, “See? I told you she was smart...” 

And then he trailed off, and no one gave him props for having a smart date. 


They all just sat there like I was handicapped or something and they were trying not to stare.

After the meal, Robert drove me home and I knew that I’d never see him again (BECAUSE I HAVE A BRAIN) and as he dropped me off I tried to be upbeat –dinner was *super fun* thanks—when he said, “You’re too smart.”

I thought he was being cute and complimentary and giggled a little but then realized he was completely serious.

He wasn't laughing.

“What do you mean ‘too smart?’” I asked. "You mean I'm 'too smart' to hang out with you and your family?"

It was confusing; he didn't say "you're a know-it-all" or "you're a smartass," which are legitimate complaints about a significant other. 

He just said, "You're too smart." 


Too smart, period.


Then came the kicker.


“You know...your boobs are too big to be so smart,” Robert finally said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So this was an either/or situation???


WTF. CAVEMAN.


ALSO, THAT WASN’T EVEN AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION. 

But it was clear that my question didn't need an answer. 

Yes, I was "too smart" to hang out with him and his family.

Also, he only cared about boobs. No brain attached.

“My boobs are too big to be so smart, really Robert?" I said. "I...don’t even know where to start with that.” 

Then I got out of the car and never heard from him again.

Although I did hear that he failed out of pharmacy school soon after that.

I mean, obviously he did.

Because there isn’t a pill that can fix stupid.

-Jenny

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