(And you were like, but you're yelling…so…)
It's that type of hypocrisy that's inspired today's Toolbag: Peter.
Peter is a hypocrite. The the kind of guy who will tell you you're an asshole while having sex with your sister.
But in the case of his relationship with my friend Norah, Peter decided tell her, after they broke up, that she was being a "baby" while he was knee-deep in a temper tantrum.
(Speaking of knees, he also ended the message with, "YOU CAN SUCK MY D---!")
And they say you can't find a gentleman anymore.
Norah and Peter had been seeing each other for a month and had this super intense connection and saw each other every night for two weeks straight.
He even went on a vacation with Norah and her friends and spent the entire time gushing over how much he liked her, telling all of her friends how super awesome she was. When everyone returned home, Norah and Peter kissed goodbye and said see you tomorrow.
But Norah said Peter then disappeared off the face of the Earth.
He didn't call her back, he didn't return her texts. It was confusing.
She even looked at the parish prison inmate search looking for him. (No, wait, that was me that one time)
Finally after day FOUR, Peter called Norah back to tell her the good news. He and his ex-girlfriend are getting back together.
Ummm...where exactly was this EX when he was busy professing his love for her in front of her friends???!!!??
Ugh. That's annoying as shit.
Norah was rightfully upset and felt super played.
WHY DID HE EVEN GO ON VACATION WITH HER?? WAS THIS CHICK IN HIS LUGGAGE???!!
Right as Norah was getting over the sting of their ended relationship, her friend decided to post pictures from the vacation, pictures that included Peter.
In one particular photo, Peter had a weird look on his face, making some weird hand sign that nobody cared about.
One of HIS friends commented on the photo, "Oh, looks like Peter rode the short bus that day."
Norah laughed; she already knew Peter was retarded.
So she also commented on the photo: "Totally. Learned that the hard way."
It was a pretty vague statement, and could even be interpreted as a joke.
But Peter wasn't laughing.
Instead of yelling at his friend who made the initial comment, he decided to call Norah to tell her what a complete BABY she was for, um, letting the Facebook world know they broke up??
In the most HILARIOUS voicemail I have ever heard, which I will entitle "Hey kettle, you're black," Peter accuses Norah of "needing to grow up" while he himself acts like a baby.
It's hypocrisy heaven.
"This conversation that's going on on Facebook, really? How f*cking old are you? You're 30 years old! Grow the F up!" Peter yells on the voicemail.
That's followed by, "OH AND YOUR YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE GARBAGE!"
I totally forgot that only adults throw other people's keys in the garbage.
He then says, "YOU CAN SUCK MY D*CK" immediately before saying, "Seriously, I've treated you with nothing but respect."
"And you won't be getting any money from me," Peter says, in reference to $20 he owed her from the trip.
The temper tantrum goes on for a full minute, where - in the middle of him repeating that she needs to grow up - he challenges a male friend of hers who also commented on the photo to come over to his apartment because, "Gladly, I'll help him out with his f*cking teeth."
Where's my elementary school teacher???
We've got another child who needs to stop yelling.