Tuesday, August 27, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It's no secret that guys don't know a good picture of themselves. 

Really!

Look at the hottest guy you know in real life's Facebook profile picture. You know you wouldn't hit that!

Ha

Whatever. 
Facebook isn't real life. 

However, there are some guys who do need to know what a good picture of someone looks like. And those people are PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS. 

Life lesson #43257346273: Never go on a date with a professional photographer and then cut it off. 

Don't do it. 
Their lens will punish you.

Here's the story:
I met Mark, a freelance photographer, and we went on exactly one date before I realized that he was an angry guy, and not the type of angry guy that I find hilarious. 
The kind I find annoying. 

But we still talked about work - me writer! him photographer!  Looks so good on paper….ha. (Pun intended.)

Mark told me that in addition to photograph-ing sports for the NBA (whaaaat) and The Associated Press (whaaaaat) he also did small side projects for local schools for their brochures and websites.

But he was still angry and shat on everything (the bar is dirty, the river is ugly, I hate people who walk slow)

So, after our date, I made a point not to return his calls or text messages. I mean, did I owe him anything?? Is it better to remain silent or is it better to break the news that you're an angry little man?? 

I knew I made the right decision when I started getting messages from an anonymous person telling me he had a girlfriend and that he was a cheater hahahahahaha. 

(I sure can pick 'em)

To be honest, I forgot all about Mark until I was recently asked to attend a career day at a local elementary school. 

I get asked to do a lot of career days because I have a job that children can understand. 

I've done about 15 career days in my illustrious career.

Meeting in the library before our presentations to children (WHICH YOU DON'T GET PAID FOR) it's always me (the "newspaper lady")  the police officer, the lawyer, the firefighter, the dentist.

Can you imagine: "Hey kids! This is Holly. She sells unnecessary medical devices to doctors for a ridiculous markup! Say hi to Holly everyone!!"

Hahahaha
Um. 
Anyway.

So there I was, giving my spiel to the kids about what a newspaper budget is (it's where you plan what stories are going to be in the next issue, it has nothing to do with finances) when the door opened and everyone stared at the principal entering the room…with Mark. 

And his big camera. 
He was frowning, go figure.

It had been four months at least since I had seen/remembered him, and then suddenly I froze up there in front of everyone. 

"Err…"

He did not acknowledge knowing me at all, even as I tried to make eye contact and started ClickClickClickClick-ing with his fast-ass shutter and I got red in the face and tried to continue my discussion on deadlines. 

I was nothing but professional about the awkward encounter, and I assumed HE was going to be professional. 

...Even though I left him hanging with a bunch of unreturned text messages. 

Put all your biases aside, right???  

No. 
Not for Mark. 

For reference, this is from another career day years ago, taken by NOT an asshole:


(Can't blame the photographer for unflattering pants)

But I guess perhaps now, instead of newspaper advice, I should start instructing students to NOT to go on a date with, and promptly end things with, a photographer. 

That's a more useful lesson.

Don't do it kids!!! Because one day you'll see him again, and he'll be taking professional pictures of you and there's nothing you can do about it, and while everyone ELSE who had their picture taken at career day looks happy and normal, your picture--- emailed to HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE marked CAREER DAY 2013!!!!!, will look like this:




UGH.

UGH times infinity.

Seriously?!!??


Of course Mark chose this picture to include in the roundup. 

Is there anything flattering about this photo??? 

HOW IS THIS PROFESSIONAL???!!?!

HE TAKES PICTURES FOR NATIONAL PUBLICATIONS FOR CHRIST SAKE!

Did he NOT notice that half my face is asleep, like a stoke patient? 

That he made me look cross-eyed and have FOUR CHINS??? 

Or that...NO ONE WOULD HIT THAT??? 

I think he absolutely noticed.

Well. 

At least it looks better than his Facebook profile picture.

-Jenny

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