Tuesday, June 11, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

What's the statue of limitations on hooking up with someone and still telling people about it?

Five years??

TEN YEARS??

It's even less cool when you tell people about your ancient hookup when ALL YOU DID WAS MAKE OUT with that person.

Why would someone go out of their way to tell someone this?

Heeeey….four years ago, I totally made out with her, dude….

File this in the NOBODY CARES folder.

Perhaps that person doesn't make out with people very often, and a smooch from 2008 is still their Rushmore. 

Maybe, for the past FOUR YEARS, they haven't stopped thinking about that one drunken night of making out after a Mardi Gras parade.

Or…maybe they're an a-hole.

Paul fit into the latter category. He and my friend Tabitha had MADE OUT…ONCE…in 2008. 

And THIS YEAR, 2013, he decided to tell the new guy she was seeing about it. 

(Where's that folder again??)

This situation was even worse in that Paul LIED about their hookup, FALSELY spreading the rumor that they slept together.

Right. Super cool guy.

Tabitha had a new long-distance boyfriend named Sam, and both he and Paul were in the music industry. 

Luck would have it that when Sam was flown to New Orleans by a company to record his music, he was paired up with Paul on the album, and it was arranged that he would stay at Paul's house for a month or so.

Tabitha cringed when she heard this information, but didn't want to say anything.

"Oh, yea, Paul! He's super talented…" she said. 

The truth was, she and Paul hadn't spoken in YEARS. Four years in fact.  

Paul actually turned into a dick and never spoke to her again after their one night of hooking up making out. 

They graduated college and went their separate ways.

While Sam was in town, Tabitha tried to distance herself from his living situation - "There were multiple instances where I was like, 'Nah, you go upstairs and get your stuff, I'll wait in the car,'" she said. (haha)

Yet one day Sam asked her about her "past" with Paul. 
And Tabitha heard in horror the gross misrepresentation Paul had presented, i.e. the big fat lie that they slept together.

!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh.

The more information Tabitha got from Sam about what Paul said, the more pissed she got.

Apparently, Paul had not just told Sam this OLD news….that was a LIE…but he used a BRO term that didn't win him any cool points with anyone.

This is how the conversation went down:

Paul: "Hey, who are you staying with practically every night?"

Sam: "My girlfriend Tabitha."

Paul: "Tabitha Smith?"

Sam: "Yea."

Paul: "Hey man, woaah. I know her. She and I slept together. You and me man, we're like eskimo brothers."

?????????

Eskimo brothers?

"That's what you call people who sleep with the same girl," Tabitha explained, annoyed. 

(In related news: Can urban dictionary please go away???)

ESKIMO BROTHERS??

Not only was that a rude thing to say to someone's new boyfriend because it was a LIE, but what was the purpose here, Paul?? 

Was this information said to make Tabitha look bad? 
Make himself look cool somehow???

Could he not have just said, "Oh, I think I know her from college?"

Was he jealous?? (Ohhh maybe he was jealous.)

Sam found the entire conversation with Paul super awkward, of course - ESKIMO BROTHERS, REALLY?? what a douche - and then he had to have a second awkward conversation with Tabitha about it.

And that's how Tabitha found herself unnecessarily having to explain to her boyfriend that no, she did NOT sleep with his roommate FOUR YEARS AGO, and NO, no one was related in any way, especially not brothers.

What a waste of time.

Thankfully, nothing changed about Sam and Tabitha's relationship at all, except they now had someone new to make fun of: The least cool eskimo on the planet.

-Jenny

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