Tuesday, July 24, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I totally get having trust issues when you’re in a long-distance relationship, but there’s no need to get the cops involved.

Wait. Sorry. Fake cops.

No need to get the fake cops involved.

But that was just the icing on the PROBLEM CAKE between my friend Tara and this guy Mike. 

They were in a long-distance relationship and he had massive trust issues. And he made it her problem.

Tara said Mike constantly and dramatically accused her of cheating on him for no reason. And he made her do ridiculous things to prove she was being faithful.

Like, he made her WALK around her apartment as they talked on the phone to PROVE that she wasn’t really “in another dude’s bathroom sneaking this call.”

What!!!!!

BANG ON A POT!!! he would say. TURN ON THE TV!!!!

DANCE MONKEY DANCE!

Hahahahaha

(The only time this is acceptable is if your habitually late girlfriend says she’s on the way and you want her to prove it, make her honk the horn.)

In addition to Mike making Tara do all these ridiculous things and making her spend 50 percent of their conversations convincing him that she was ALONE, ALL ALONE, he would also surprise-visit her, and almost be disappointed that she wasn’t cheating on him.

One particular surprise trip, while out with her friends, Tara says, “As he got drunker and drunker, he got meaner and meaner.”

He started pulling her friends aside insisting they tell him exactly WHO she was cheating on him with, and didn’t take no (one)  for an answer.

Fed up and embarrassed by his behavior, Tara said she was ready to go home and called a cab.

The two didn’t speak the whole ride home and Tara held out hope that when they got back to her house and Mike saw there were no guys, uh, waiting on her porch, he’d relax and apologize.

No. No apology.

Mike started yelling at her at the top of his lungs and getting in her face. Ugh. 

She started to cry and told him he was scaring her.

“Oh, I’m scaring you? You’re scared of me?” Mike said. “Fine, I’ll call the cops if you’re so scared!”

That’s when, NO JOKE, he picked up his phone and dialed 3 numbers and reported “someone scared for their life” at her address.

(Is it wrong to laugh?? Hahahahahaha)

Tara then called her roommate who came home with her boyfriend and the three of them successfully threw Mike out.

He said he was going to sleep in his car.

Tara stayed up late waiting for the cops, wondering what she was going to say to them, but they never showed up.

The next morning Mike’s car was gone, and Tara assumed he had driven back over state lines, and out of her life.

Yet, later that day, he called to tell her that he was indeed still in town and very angry with her and wanted to hear “her side” of the story.

(Uh, what story.)

“He denied all of what happened,” Tara recalls.

She then asked him if he remembered calling 9-1-1.

No.

She took his phone and scrolled through his call log. 
Then laughed. 
He had dialed 2-1-3

Hahahahahaha

Where are the fake handcuffs when you need them

-Jenny

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