Tuesday, February 14, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Let’s be honest; there’s never a good way to be told that your boyfriend is actually, uh, MARRIED to another woman and the two have a small child.


But one the worst ways to find out is for his WIFE to call you directly to confront you about the affair.


No, wait, there’s a worse way.


Having your MOTHER break the news that you’re unknowingly having an affair.


...after your boyfriend’s WIFE called her by accident.


LAWDY!!!!


This happened to my friend Leah, who was dating Brian, who as it turns out, was a married a-hole.


They met at a bar downtown and immediately hit it off. He was a bit older than she was but they made it work and actually dated regularly for a few months.


Brian was able to get away with having this affair because he lived in one part of North Carolina Monday through Friday, “getting his new business off the ground,” while returning home to his wife and kids every weekend.


Leah said it was suspicious that Brian would leave town every single weekend but he was a smooth talker, and somehow justified everything.


“Look, I have to get my business off the ground, baby!” He would say (two both women).

“I need to go away and scout out the PROSPECTS!”


So was the situation for several months. In their long conversations and numerous dates and sleepovers, Leah said Brian certainly didn’t mention a wife or a child. He was too "old" for Facebook, so that didn't tip her off either.


She thought he was just a sexy businessman.


Now, we don’t know what tipped his wife off to a possible affair (and I don’t really want to think about the specifics, really) but at some point she got suspicious. She did what any suspicious spouse would do.


She checked his phone records.


Yet some idiot at Verizon gave her the wrong information. Leah was on a family plan with her mom and sister. And her mom was the main account holder....with the main number. The wife was told THAT was the number he was calling and texting everyday.


His wife called the number.


“Hello?” Leah’s mother said.


“Hello. I think you are having an affair with my husband,” the scorned wife said.


“WHAT??” Leah’s mom said. While she was not married, she was not dating ANYONE, let alone a married man.


“YES YOU ARE!” the woman said. “He’s been calling you every day for months!”


It got so accusatory that Leah’s mother, the poor thing, had to insist into the phone,


“Excuse me, but I am a 58-year-old overweight woman who lives in Virginia!” she said. “I can assure you I am NOT having an affair with your husband!”


Then she heard the husband’s name and gulped.


“My daughter...”


And that’s how Leah’s OWN MOTHER had to have a second embarrassing conversation of the day.


She hung up with the woman and then had to call her own daughter to break the news that she was unknowingly having an affair.

That her TOOL boyfriend was actually married.


WITH CHILD.

AND HIS WIFE WAS ON THE WARPATH.


Can you imagine??

It was the most embarrassing game of telephone ever.


Leah was mortified. And then she thought about how it oddly made sense, the constant going back to his “other” home city every week.

And putting his phone on silent every night.

And not being available on holidays.


“YOU PIECE OF SH*T JERK!!!!” Leah yelled at him, appropriately into the phone, as he still tried to talk his way out of it.


“We’ve been having problems for months! I’m planning on getting a divorce!”


“SHE CALLED MY MOTHER,” Leah said.


“See??? She’s totally crazy!” Brian said.


Oh, SHE was crazy??? Now he was insulting his own wife?? For catching him in an affair??


LAWDY.


Leah asked Brian all the normal questions - how can you NOT talk about your kid or wife all these months and what the hell kind of person does that, etc.


She then spent the next few weeks profusely apologizing to her mother for her bad choice in men and for her mother having to confess her age and body mass index to a complete stranger.


After that, Brian conveniently decided that his business was going nowhere in the city where Leah lived and he returned home.


I do hope his wife kicked him out and took everything he had.


I like to imagine that he is now miserable with NO woman after having two of them for so long.


I also like to imagine that he now works at Verizon, wearing red (and a scarlet letter) stuck in cell phone hell for eternity for the crimes he committed.


-Jenny

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