Tuesday, March 29, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s nice to know that even if you don’t personally get a sketchy vibe from your date, there are always eyes and ears watching.

(This is why it’s a good idea to go somewhere in public.)

My friend Giselle explains: “I met this guy online, and on our third date we were at a bar for a drink and a random guy came up and said, ‘Hi, are you Charles?’ To which Charles responded, ‘Yeah! You must be Rachel’s brother.’”

(Uhhhhh)

Giselle raised her eyebrows but no one clued her in.

The guy says, "Can I talk to you for a second over here?"

(Uhhhhh)

Giselle said that Charles left her at the bar while he had a three-minute conversation with the guy.

Was this a drug deal???

They had already finished their drinks and were getting ready to go, so when Charles got back from his conversation, they grabbed their coats and headed out the door.

"That was weird... What did he want to talk to you about?" Giselle asked. 

"He wanted to know if we were on a date or something," Charles said.

"Why?"

"Oh, his sister Rachel, she must have a crush on me or something." 

Or something. LOL

Obviously this was a red flag. 

"So, he just pulled you over and asked you if you were on a date because his sister has a crush on you?” Giselle asked.

Charles responded: "Yeah, well Rachel is a weird girl, and he's her twin brother, so I guess that's just how they are." 


LOL

(Ed note: TWINS AREN’T WEIRD!!!!) 

Giselle, who isn’t an idiot (or weird), clearly knew something was off. 

“None of my questions were being answered in any plausible manner, and so I just straight out said, ‘Hey, we're not exclusive, so you can tell me if you're seeing Rachel. I'd like to know." 

"I don't have a girlfriend. There is no Rachel," Charles said. 

THERE IS NO RACHEL. 

How dramatic.

Giselle said she was still “skeeved,” but since they had only been on three dates and had only slept together once, she didn’t feel like she needed to get super upset. 

LOL

But then, shortly after that night, Charles got distant. 

He'd respond to her texts with one-word answers and stopped asking when she was free to hang out. 

So Giselle did what any normal 30-something female would do: She looked him up on Facebook. 

A photo. Of Charles and a girl. 

Caption: "Me and Charles." 
Posted by: Rachel
Comments: "Oh my gosh! You two are so cute!" "Great seeing you guys the other day!” etc.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought THERE WAS NO RACHEL, CHARLES. 

It was clear from the likes and comments that Charles wasn’t just a guy friend or a crush (LOL); they were definitely together.

...Unless that was Rachel's twin brother in drag. 

(Weirdo)

LOL 

-Jenny

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s always hilarious to hear the excuses guys come up with when they are caught red-handed cheating on their girlfriends.

Of course, no one can top Greg, the guy who told his girlfriend that the woman he was cheating on her with was a job recruiter. (LOL LOL). But this guy Tom is a close second.

Tom dated my friend Lindsey for three years, maybe even longer. Lindsey knew that Tom was a flirt with every female he met, but after several lengthy trips out of town, she snooped on his phone and computer and saw that he was actively cheating on her using every possible online platform.

Tom had reached out to a 20-year-old from Italy through Match.com and messaged her requesting to see pictures of her with her top off. And offered to fly her to New York.

He had OK Cupid profile, a Tinder profile, profiles on sites she hadn’t even heard of. And then: OMG.

According to his emails, he slept with the host of an Air BnB where he stayed the previous month.

OMG.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While he was sleeping with Lindsey!!!

SO gross.

Lindsey, who can only express her disgust in all caps elaborates further: 

“NOT TO MENTION I SAW HIS INTERNET TABS AND SEARCH HISTORY WAS FULL OF BACKPAGE ESCORT ADS, CRAIGSLIST SWINGERS ADS, CRAIGSLIST WOMEN 4 MEN WANTING SIDE DICK, ETC. ETC. - you get it. Ew. Ew. Ew.”

Ugh

Lindsey didn’t know what to do. She was horrified and humiliated.

She left Tom’s house without a confrontation and brewed about it for two days, ignoring his calls and texts.

Then she made the phone call.

Lindsey said her opening line was, “I know exactly who you are.” But before she could give him her prepared speech, she said Tom started laughing.

Laughing.

“He asks if I am referring to the items he ‘planted’ in his phone for me to find,” Lindsey said.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHA

That’s the best he could come up with in two days?

THAT HE “PLANTED” “FAKE” EVIDENCE OF HIM ASKING A 20-YEAR-OLD FROM ITALY TO SEND HIM A TOPLESS PHOTO?

Well. 
If so, he certainly committed to the mission.

LOL

And even if Tom wasn't completely full of shit, since when is “planting” “fake” “evidence” of you cheating on your girlfriend a good life lesson?

It’s not.

And obviously, it was all a lie.

Lindsey called him out on it, saying OBVIOUSLY these weren’t fake accounts on fake sites, these were very REAL messages from a very REAL Tom to very REAL girls asking to see their boobs and SERIOUSLY, TOM? CRAIG’S LIST ESCORTS??

…Also, maybe she'll just go ahead and report that Air BnB host.

My question is: did he really think she was that stupid?

Do guys really think their girlfriends are that stupid???

(Were any of these women JOB RECRUITERS?!?!??)

Ugh.

FIRED.

-Jenny

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Now, I’m not saying that giving a wedding speech is easy work, but someone with a remotely working brain can pull it off.

I mean, haven’t we all seen enough romantic comedies to know the DOs and DON'Ts by now????

1.) Don’t use the speech as an excuse to shit all over love and marriage.

2.) Don’t use the speech to overshadow the wedding and propose to someone.

3.) Don’t tell everyone that they both love the color green, like his eyes and her love of money. :)

Here’s a new rule: Don’t blindly copy and paste a speech off of the internet and then read it in front of 200 people.

(This is where the “remotely working brain” counts.)

Henry, a best man (well, in the context of a wedding…) decided to blindly copy and paste his speech off the internet and read it without thinking. 

...Without thinking about his girlfriend that is.

To everyone who attended the wedding of Jessica and Andy, Henry was very much taken. 

His date was a very pretty girl in a very pretty dress who was all over him. 

She draped her arms around him and kissed him a lot on the dance floor. There was no question that Henry was there with her, and that they were together.

…Which made his best man speech even more mortifying.

His opening line, in front of 200 people, was, “I hope one day I find someone as beautiful and kind as Jessica…”

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (insert record scratch noise)

ONE DAY?!?!?!?

ONE DAY?!?!?!?!?

Everyone had seen his pretty girlfriend all over him, making out in the buffet line. 

LOL

She sat there next to him, mortified. 

MORTIFIED. 

When people started chuckling uncomfortably (OMG) Harry backtracked, bringing more attention to the situation for the people who hadn’t been listening in the first place.

“Errrr… I mean….I have found…ummmm….I have found someone….as…pretty….”

LOL
LOL
LOL

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T PLAGIARIZE A WEDDING SPEECH FROM THE INTERNET, HARRY!!!! 

Or maybe have someone else proofread your speech before you decide to announce to everyone that your current date isn’t beautiful or kind enough to marry, but that you hope to meet that person in the future.

Seriously, I can’t think of anything more mortifying. 

What a dumbass.

No one really spoke about it afterwards (there was already too much speaking), but needless to say, all PDA between the two of them stopped for the rest of the reception.

LOL

I think Adam Sandler should play him in the romantic comedy movie version of this.

-Jenny

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It doesn’t do you ANY favors to lie about your appearance when online dating.

NEWSFLASH: They are going to see you.

During my YEARS of online dating, when I would meet up with someone in real life, I would ask all kinds of questions about who else they had met online.

Many of the complaints I got were that girls lied about how much they weighed. 

They would only upload face and neck-up shots, these guys explained, and then they would show up heavier than expected.

(Ugh and hahahahahaha at the same time)

This was seriously the most common complaint of the dozen or so guys I met and asked.

“I don’t even go out with girls that don’t post full body shots,” said one guy. “I’m not getting burned again.”

!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!

Ew.

I’ve heard similar complaints from my girl friends about guys' not-entirely-accurate descriptions of themselves online, too. 

Mainly, that guys lie about how terribly short they are.

…Like, even shorter than advertised.

Take the guy who said he was 5’10 when really he was 5’6. On his toes.

(Ugh and hahahahahaha at the same time).

Last week I heard about a new low: Max, this guy my friend Alice met online, did not tell her that he was Asian.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ON PURPOSE.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SURPRISE!!!!

LOL

“What do you mean ‘he didn’t tell you he was Asian?’ Didn’t you see his pictures?!?!?” I asked her.

Alice said yes, of course she saw his pictures, but he had strategically only posted photos that were ambiguously gay Caucasian.

They were all far away shots, and Max was wearing wrap-around sunglasses in all of them

(Get it?)

LOL

The thing was, Alice wouldn’t have minded him being Asian. But the point that he went out of his way to hide his ethnicity was gross.

It made her feel duped for some reason.

She said she almost apologized to him when she walked up to him at the bar since he couldn’t possibly be the white person she had planned to meet based on his photos.

That’s not starting off on the right foot, Max!!!!

Is she NOT going to notice that you’re Asian when you meet in person???

Are you just going to remain silent and see what happens?

UGH.

And that’s exactly what he did. He remained silent about the fact that he was basically another person who was 100 percent Asian.

Of course you can’t bring this up on a date.

Alice didn’t know what to do. She said she had exactly two beers and then made her exit (He wasn’t her type. LOL)

Alice was confused by this…miscommunication…then re-looked at his profile. And that's when she saw that he didn’t select an ethnicity on his profile.

LOL

Yes, he selected everything else –occupation, age, salary, religion…but he forgot one tiny little itty bitty description of himself.

What kind of bizarre plan was this???

This is not how online dating works!!!

Also…he was shorter than advertised.

LOL

-Jenny
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