Tuesday, January 26, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Since I don’t have children, it’s been forever since I’ve heard about a good temper tantrum.

Like, a temper tantrum where (generally a child) yells at a person who has nothing to do with the real reason why they are mad, and irrationally calls them names.


This guy Nick, who dated my friend Sarah, was very similar to Ace Ventura in that he was mad about something football-related.

But he wasn’t mad about the missing stone from the 1984 AFC Championship Ring, it was that his college football team, Clemson University, had lost to the University of South Carolina.

(This was evidentially a few years ago haha)

Nick was dating my friend Sarah, who, it should be noted, is the absolute nicest person I have ever met. 

She is a sweet, gentle soul who never yells or raises her voice. She barely curses (ahem...cusses).

Sarah and Nick were both from South Carolina, but their college football allegiances were split, each one rooting for the other’s rival.

But since Sarah didn’t really care all that much, she donned the garish purple and orange of her rival team Clemson to go with Nick to the most anticipated game of the year. 

It had been several years since they each graduated and Sarah hadn’t been to a game in a long time. She was excited.

They had only been dating for a few months, so Nick should have been on his best behavior (dating tip #2234825).

But at the game, when it was clear that University of South Carolina was going to beat Clemson, Nick became angry...at Sarah for some reason.

Mind you the same Sarah who had lovingly pulled for his team and even shouted “Go Tigers” in the stands. (that’s love).

When the game ended, Sarah tried to be supportive and cheer him up with an it’s OK, at least now we get to go get alcohol somewhere, but Nick was not having any of it.

He started yelling at poor, sweet Sarah about how all University of South Carolina people were “dicks” and how he hated everyone who went to school there.

Uhhhhhh...

Now, any girl would be completely turned off by these insults, but it was especially shocking to Sarah, the sweet, gentle soul who no one would ever think to yell at.

She started walking a few steps behind him.

It was that moment when Nick saw freshly-painted graffiti on the grassy knoll at the stadium. 

A thoughtful “YOU SUCK” directed at Clemson fans, written in the signature University of South Carolina maroon.

“WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON???” Nick bellowed to no one.

Sarah said she froze the two strides behind him as people filed out of the stadium around them. 

No one else seemed to care that much about the graffiti.

Nick then looked at Sarah, and shouted at her.

 "ASSHOLES!!! LOOK AT WHAT THESE ASSHOLES DID!!" he yelled.

And then: YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!! Nick screamed.

...AT SARAH

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

????????????

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm sorry, but did SHE HAVE RED GRAFFITI PAINT ON HER HANDS??

(DID SHE URINATE ON HIS RUG???)

It was ridiculous.

Sarah said she didn’t know what else to do, so she turned around in the other direction and ran away.

LOL
LOL

SHE BOLTED!

Literally ran as fast as she could to the exit.

Hahahahahaha

(That is the sign of a really, really bad date.)

“SARAH!” she heard Nick scream, but she didn’t dare turn around.

Why would she?

SHE wasn’t an asshole and SHE wasn’t going to be talked to that way.

And SHE wasn’t going to be around for when Nick got in trouble for being unruly, or for when he’d get punched in the face by a college frat guy.

She took a cab back to her apartment and cut Satan, uhhh, I mean Nick off completely.

(Sorry, he sounded like someone else. LOL)

UGH.

Luh-hooo-zu-herrrr



-Jenny

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Brad didn’t have “hoes in different area codes” in the traditional sense (which, MOM, is when someone has a different woman in each city that he visits).

No, Brad had just one hoe in another area code and he’d fly that hoe to whatever area code he was visiting on business.


And it was conveniently an area code that did not include his girlfriend Becky.

This other girl was not a jet-setting prostitute. She was his ex-girlfriend (ugghhh), a woman named Amy who Becky had known about, who lived across the country in Seattle.


My friend Becky dated Brad for a YEAR after being introduced through mutual friends. They hit it off immediately. 

Six months into the relationship, he told Becky not to renew her lease, but to move in with him instead.

SWOON!

They had gone on vacations together, got a DOG, and were seemingly committed to a domesticated life together.

Brad travelled a lot for work (LOL), but he was successful and made good money and Becky didn’t mind babysitting the dog. She was happy.

But then, as Becky was helping Brad clean up clutter for her impending move, she found a photo of Brad and Amy with a hand-written letter about how much Amy missed him and how Amy was hanging pictures of him all over her apartment in Seattle.

Becky noticed that it was written and sent within the past six months.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Ummmm....what's going on here?" Becky asked.

Brad swore that nothing was going on, that Amy was just “desperate and lonely” and was grasping at straws.

(When really he was racking up his frequent flyer miles to fly Amy all over the country.)

“I want you to move in with me,” Brad insisted to Becky.

LOL

Becky moved forward with Brad, even though her instincts said something was off.

And it just got worse.

“At one point, he left for a ‘business trip’ to Atlanta. When he was supposed to come home, he said he got a flat and needed to stay the night because no shops were open to fix it,” Becky recalls.

LOL

They both went home to their respective hometowns for Thanksgiving and even though they texted or talked every day, when Brad got back, he stopped answering all Becky’s calls and texts. 

...Which isn’t the most comfortable thing when you’re planning to move in with that person in the next two months.

Becky said after two days of not returning her calls (Unacceptable, this was her boyfriend), she drove over to his apartment and barged in with her key. Brad was asleep.

Becky was so mad that she woke him up, hurled her key at him and told him, thoughtfully, “Screw you!! Where the H have you been?”

Brad’s response started out nice.

"I'm so sorry...you're the most beautiful woman I've ever been with, and you're so kind and...”

But then it got worse.

“Well, I'm sorry... I just.... I am going to get back together with Amy."

WHAT??????

“We’ve been talking...” Brad continued.

WHAT??????

(Ed note: Talking. Hahahahaha)

Becky went numb.

Talking??? Talking at Thanksgiving???

??????????

Becky told Brad she couldn’t understand how they could have started up again because Amy lives 4,000 miles away.

Then she thought some more.

“WHEN did this happen??” she asked. “Seriously tell me when this happened.”

Brad admitted that it wasn’t “just Thanksgiving” (BUT IT WAS THANKSGIVING TOO...JERK). 

Brad had ALSO slept with Amy in Atlanta, slept with her in North Carolina, basically slept with her all up and down the East Coast—“he was literally flying all over the country to hook up with her and paying for her tickets, too,” Becky said.

OMG.

Of course, Brad couldn’t be bothered to tell Becky about his SIDE HOE during the entire year they were together, but now he had to tell her because...Amy was coming to stay with him for the next three months.

!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG

NEWSFLASH: BECKY WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE ALREADY MOVED IN WITH HIM DURING AMY’S PLANNED VISIT.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Way to wait until the last possible minute, asshole!!!

“And he said something like, ‘I'm sorry. I want to be friends...’” Becky recalls.

LOL

!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the absolute worst.

What guy with a girlfriend invites his ex to come live with him for three months??? 
This dude was almost 40.

Becky cursed the day she met him, cursed all the stupid promises he made and promptly re-signed the lease to her own apartment.

Several months later, Becky got a text from Brad asking if she wanted to go on a walk with the dog.

Becky ignored him AND his subsequent texts about getting together “as just friends.”

“What the hell is going on?” she fumed to a mutual friend.

And then the revelation: “I come to find out he literally texted me the day after Amy left to go back to Seattle.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh.

HOE.

-Jenny

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My favorite part is Victor’s response when his girlfriend (my friend Amy) found a naked picture of a girl on his phone with an early morning, “I wish I was waking up with you” text.

She and I are just friends," Victor said. "I can’t HELP what she sends me."

LOL

LOL

Personally, I’ve always said that men and women can be “just friends,” but then again, I’m not a boy with a penis, so I really don’t know both sides of the story.

Because the other side of the story is that some guys will pretend to be “just friends” with girls when HAHAHAHAHAHAHA they’re actually cheating on you with them.

DOUCHE-TASTIC!!

Amy and Victor had known each other for a very long time but their timing and paths never crossed right. One day the stars aligned and they were madly in love and moved in together.

Amy was suspicious when Victor introduced her to his friend Liza with thoughtful details, like, “she and I used to work together at the bar...” and “she’s hilarious and amazing," but he never arranged for all three of them to hang out.

Victor would make it well-known that he and Liza were texting like crazy when Amy would ask him what the EFF he was doing staring at his phone all night.

He would use all kind of excuses. Like the night he and Amy went on a date to a cozy bar and his phone was blowing up with texts and calls, he told her, “Oh, it’s Liza. She’s really upset right now and wants to talk.”

UGH

It would start all kinds of fights.

“She KNOWS you have a girlfriend, right?” Amy yelled. “Because she’s disrespecting me now.”

“Yes. We’re just friends.”

UGH

It was completely disappointing. And embarrassing. 

Victor continued to take full advantage of this “friendship,” and made plans for a “significant other-free” night with Liza (Ed note: HELLL NO) and then come home SHIT-FACED.

That was the last straw.

Amy screamed at him about how “friendly” the friendly drinks got, but he repeated the same line over and over.

“We’re just friends,” he said. “NOTHING IS GOING ON.”

LOL

Since Amy isn’t stupid (well aside from dating Victor), she took his phone while he was asleep the next morning and looked in horror to see a NAKED PICTURE of Liza and “I WISH I WAS WAKING UP WITH YOU” text.

“I can’t HELP what she sends me,” Victor said.

LOL

LOL

LOL

Obviously, Amy broke up with him. And obviously, Victor, fully committed, made a big stink about it, telling her she was just jealous and crazy.

Insisting to the death that he never cheated, blaming the breakup on her “trust issues” and paranoia.

LOL

THAT PESKY PARANOIA!!!

F.Y.I. VICTOR: GETTING NAKED PICTURES SENT TO YOUR PHONE FROM ANOTHER GIRL IS NOT PARANOIA. THAT’S ACTUALLY REAL. 

DOUCHE.

Ughhhhh

Victor's instance that “nothing was going on” was the most infuriating. 

Like...do you think girls are stupid?? Newsflash: people don’t get constant texts and NAKED photos from other girls when they are in a relationship

DUH.

“Nothing is going on. Nothing is going on. Nothing is going on.”

Right...except for the fact that oh, TWO MONTHS after Victor and Amy broke up, Liza announced she was pregnant. With his child.

OMG.

Of course.

That baby will need lots of friends.

-Jenny 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I don’t know a whole lot about memory loss among guys in their early 30s (I’m not a DOCTOR) but there are some guys out there who seem to forget that they say things like, “I love you” and “you’re the missing puzzle piece in my life” because they break up with you a month later and refer to the relationship as “whatever this is.”

LOL


LOL

OK, maybe that’s just Finn.

Finn is this guy who dated my friend Morgan for six months and used the above line extra thoughtfully when he broke up with her two days after her birthday.


“...or whatever day that was.”

LOL

Finn and Morgan met when he worked as a bartender and things moved fast right away. He was cute, sweet and in love with her immediately.

But I guess Finn can't be blamed for breaking up with her two days after her birthday since he forgot about her birthday and DIDN’T GET HER ANYTHING.

Wait...this sounds familiar....

Was this memory loss???

No. I take it back. He did get her a present.

He got her a Taylor Swift calendar.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uhhhhhh

WTF

And then he showed her a picture on his phone of what he was going to get her.

But didn’t.

And....

...it was a portable heater.

???????????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was all so disappointing.

Morgan was super hurt by the fact that this guy who professed all his love for her didn’t do anything special.

(HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN HER A PUZZLE WITH A MISSING PIECE FOR CHRIST SAKE. GEEZ. THIS ISN’T HARD.)

She invited him over two days after to “talk ” about where they stand.

“This is how I feel about us and what is going on??" Morgan said. 

But she said Finn shut down completely. No more missing puzzle pieces.

"I think we might have...communication issues," she added when he stood there not speaking. 

Finn left her house somehow confused by how upset she was, and then didn’t return her calls and text messages for a week.

LOL 

He finally responded with: "You're right. We have to stop seeing each other, or whatever this is."

WHATEVER THIS IS???!?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"He would tell me he wanted to marry me and buy a house with me all the time" Morgan said.

"WHATEVER THIS IS???!?!"

“You’re the fucking worst,” she texted back.

LOL

LOL

(She actually wrote that.) Awesome.

Morgan was completely blindsided and distraught. First a ruined birthday, then a ruined after birthday and Christmas was right around the corner.

Who was this guy???

A guy with memory loss.

...Because that is seriously the only excuse I can think of for why OH WHY Finn decided that on Christmas day...TWO WEEKS LATER...he would send Morgan a picture of his niece playing with the PRESENT Morgan bought for her.

LOL

Taylor Swift should write a song about him!

...While we all remove him from our memories.

-Jenny
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