Tuesday, August 9, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I never took a psychology class in college, so I don’t really know the definition of a “psychopath,” but I’m pretty sure his name is Andy and he’s on Tinder.

Andy is the PSYCHOPATH who my friend Holly went out with exactly two times, and every single thing that came out of his mouth was bizarre, delusional or physically impossible.

…And then he flipped out when she called him out on it.

It always baffles me when guys think women in their 30s are idiots, that we don’t know anything about timelines—(Oh, you had 15 jobs at the same time? While attending school??? Do the laws of "X number of hours in a day" not apply to you??)

Also we're not idiots on the credentials one needs to be a teacher, for example.

Andy wrote on Tinder that he was in the Army, so Holly thought that meant he was somewhat responsible and in somewhat good shape (LOL) and she agreed to go out with him.

After texting for a week, they made plans to get coffee and breakfast before work one day.

It was a cute, out-of-the-box date.

Yet, at the restaurant, their first meeting face-to-face, Andy said that his debit card chip was broken by Wal-Mart’s POS system (LOLOLOLOLOL) and that he couldn’t get money until his bank opened.

...And an effing credit card was never on the table 
(literally and figuratively heyoooo).

Holly raised her eyebrows and paid for the coffee.

“Let me take you to dinner after work!” Andy said. “I want to make it up to you!”

Holly agreed, even though she thought he was sketchy. 

As if confirming her feelings, he threw in, “Let's go somewhere close to my apartment, I don’t have a car because I got a DUI.”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“I swear I had a BMW though!” he added.

LOL

Dinner is when it all went downhill hahaha

They met at a place that Andy decided was in his walking radius. 

The minute they walked in and sat down, Holly said the server switched tables with another server so that she didn't have to wait on them.

“What’s that about?” Holly asked.

“Oh…she doesn’t like me,” Andy replied.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

?????????

“Yea, she was a drug addict and tried to push me out of a job at another restaurant where we worked,” Andy said.

Why would he suggest they go there??

Then he started listing all the restaurants he had worked at.

Holly clarifies: All the big restaurants he said he ‘managed.’


When he was listing his 20th job, seriously, Holly asked how he managed (huh huh) to work all those places and be in the military.

Didn’t he have to go off to training or something?

That launched into a half-hour story about his illustrious military career—“a one-sided conversation I couldn’t add to,” Holly recalls.

After dinner, they moved to the bar to finish their drinks (avoiding the “drug addict” server) and Andy starts talking about his new job where he teaches special needs kids.

What?!?

When did he have time to get certified to teach special needs kids during his 20 restaurant jobs and illustrious military career?? 

“I don’t have a degree yet, but I’m in the classroom teaching,” he said.

LOL

Errrr…..pretty sure you need a degree to teach.

Holly then remembered all the times Andy texted her with poor grammar, with “there, their, they’re” all used incorrectly.

This guy was a joke.

Just as Holly was politely exiting the bar, Andy said that he was looking to buy a house.

“My best friend is the best realtor in the city!” Holly said. “I can give you her number!”

Holly and her realtor friend sent Andy several properties over the next week, and he responded telling Holly how sweet she was to look out for him, and that he’s starting to like her so much, he was going to delete his Tinder account.

(The 2016 version of “let’s go steady”)

Holly sent him back a smiley face, but she didn't get off Tinder.

“So I'm swiping a few days later and I see his profile alive and well. I send him a photo of it and say, 'so you're off Tinder huh?' and block him right after," she said.

Hahahahaha

Apparently, his embarrassment over Holly calling him out was too much.

When her realtor friend sent him more properties the next day, he flipped out.

His texts to Holly's friend went like this:

“NEVER TEXT ME AGAIN. I WILL NEVER PURCHASE WITH YOU OR GIVE YOU MONEY. YOU SCREWED YOUR COMPANY AND I’M NOTIFYING THEM TODAY”

Ed note: psycho???

And then:

“DO NOT TEXT OR EMAIL ME, I WILL CRUSH YOU IN COURT. God’s luck”

??????????

Yes, he misspelled “good.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I don’t really know what to say about this.

I mean, this guy goes on a first date WITH NO MONEY, follows that up with a date at a restaurant with a server so angry with him she can’t even stand to wait on him, is clearly lying about his job(s) AND lying about quitting Tinder and then bizarrely insults her friend for no reason and threatens a lawsuit!?!?!?

Oh.

Good.

God.

-Jenny

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