Tuesday, June 28, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I didn’t think guys had any standards stipulations for dating, ever, until my friend Samantha told me that a guy on a first date told her that “he didn’t want to have any physical intimacy” for 90 days.

90 days!

Like a deadline.

Oh and that includes kissing/making out.

Uhhhhhhh

I know, I know. 

That’s pretty ballsy.

LOL

Samantha was notably concerned about this rule.

If this was a religious statement of purity, then the relationship DEFINIETLY wouldn’t work.

Samantha and Louis met through a mutual friend and that friend didn’t mention anything about religion. 

Only that he was successful and cute. And a bit older, like 40.

She asked him his reason.

“I’ve started relationships with sex before and it’s gotten me nowhere,” Louis said, on their date. “And I really want to find ‘the one’ so then next time I am intimate with someone, it’s going to be with the person I’m going to be with forever.”

GULP.

NO PRESSURE!!!

Samantha responded to his stipulation with a stipulation:

“Well, I’m going to have to know that the person I’m going to marry is good in bed, so….”

LOL

“Do you want a list of references?” Louis asked.

UGH

That’s pretty ballsy.

Because Samantha was also ready to settle down and was having a hard time finding a single, cute, successful guy to date, she found Louis and his weird rule intriguing. 

So she agreed to a second date.

This then started a long and somewhat deep emotional relationship where they’d talk on the phone for over an hour each night before bed, see each other every free evening, text all day.

They got along, they had the same interests and aspirations and clicked on all levels. 

Louis was seemingly in it to win it (at least with his abstinence.)

But Samantha was frustrated that he’d put his arm around her and be flirty but they had YET to even peck after date FIVE. 

This was getting really weird, Louis.

Does 90 HOURS of talking on the phone count?

Plus, Samantha was getting really antsy in the pantsy area. 

LOL

Almost two months after their first date, Samantha flew to New York for work.

She and Louis still talked every night, even when she was at her hotel room. Even Saturday night for a few minutes, while he was hosting a dinner party.

“Wish you were here!” he told her.

On Sunday morning, Louis texted her about his plans for the day “maybe some brunch,” asking about her flight details.

She then got a text from her girl friend with something concerning.

“Check Louis’ Facebook page. I don’t think you’ll like it”

??????????

Samantha saw him tagged in several photos from his house party with him CANOODLING with a very pretty blonde at his house.

ughhhh

They were smushed together on his overstuffed chair, his arm around her, smiling nose-to-nose, PHYSICALLY CLOSER TO HER THAN HE HAD EVER BEEN WITH SAMANTHA.

UHHHHHH

He and Samantha had talked during the party. 

Did he call her when this other chick went to the bathroom?? 

That’s pretty ballsy.

Also: LOL 40-year-olds don’t know what tagging on Facebook means.

She ignored his texts and THEN SHE SAW A PICTURE OF HIM TAGGED AT BRUNCH WITH THE SAME CHICK.

The next morning.

It was a complete WTF.

“Are you…dating other people?” was Samantha’s first line to him when she got back into town.

“Well…kind of,” Louis said.

Samantha laid into him about how disappointing that was, asked him when did he have time to start seeing someone else with their 10 hours of phone calls a day????....And what, she goes out of town for one weekend and he suddenly has some other girl all ready to come over??

“OK OK FINE…” Louis said. “The truth is, I’m a recovering sex addict and I need female attention and I got really bored when you were out of town.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>bomb<<<<<

????????????????

THEN: "...but YOU'RE the person I really want to be with and when we sleep together I really do want it to be special."

UHHHHHHHHH

LOL
LOL
LOL

>>click<<<

Knee him in the balls(y).

-Jenny

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