Tuesday, May 24, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are some things in life that just sound way better than they actually are, like ordering coconut shrimp off a menu or buying a haircut through Groupon.

...It's the same thing as when you make a sex tape.

LOL

Because a sex tape may sound like all fun and games, but, like coconut shrimp, you’ll be all like, “yea...that wasn’t a good idea” once it’s in front of your face.

No wait, let me amend that: When it’s in front of someone else’s face.

I have heard three instances of my friends making sex videos with their boyfriends only to have the guys threaten to release said videos post-breakup.

WAY TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD TIME, GUYS.

The most recent case was the pickle (pun intended) my friend Jane found herself in with her loser boyfriend Paul.

Jane and Paul dated on and off for almost a year and decided to have some taped, X-rated fun. 


Paul seemed relatively normal, but when they broke up, Paul turned completely crazy.

They broke up for valid and mutual reasons, just fighting a lot, not being on the same life page, etc. etc. so Paul really had no reason to be spiteful or hateful.

But once Jane got a new boyfriend, Paul brought out the porn.

LOL

Right after Jane announced on social media that she was dating someone new and super happy about it, Paul started angry texting her.

Not angry texting like the classic curse words, but angry texting her links to amateur porn sites.

?????????

“Then he tells me that soon I’ll be famous,” Jane recalls.

“I. was. ill.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She called him in a tizzy asking him WTF and he responded all sinister saying, “The videos will be there soon enough and to keep an eye out.”

OMG.

“I stayed up all through the night - checking these sites - just absolutely mortified - truly - truly mortified,” she said.

The next day, Jane drove over to Paul's house to confront him face to face, as she describes, “to tell him what an effed up individual he was, and to make sure he wasn’t that sick of a pervert.”

But that, too, turned out to be a regrettable decision, since Paul didn’t let her see his computer or phone to prove he had the video or not.

Paul then accused her of coming over because she still wanted to be with him.

WTF.

Realizing she was getting nowhere, Jane decided to forget the whole thing and move on with her life. 

But when she texted her new boyfriend about hanging out later, he told her it was over between them, out of the blue.

“What?” Why?”

HAD HE SEEN THE SEX VIDEO?

WAS IT RELEASED???

Jane hadn’t told her new boyfriend about the sex video drama, and hoped she never would have to.

“Were you at your ex-boyfriend’s house just now?” he asked.

“Ummmm…” Jane said.

WAS HE FOLLOWING HER???

The new boyfriend told her that….OMG….no, PAUL had just messaged him on Facebook—someone he had never met—about how Jane had been at his house all afternoon because she was begging him to take her back.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY??!?!?

HOW DID THAT VISIT GO AGAIN, PAUL???

What a fucking psycho.

Jane didn’t know what to say.

“How could I tell him, ‘BUT I WAS ONLY THERE TO SAVE MY NUDES!!!!’ (Ed note: LOL) without coming off as crazy??” she asks.

She feebly tried to tell him that Paul was a liar and that she just had to “take care of something,” but apparently Paul was very convincing about her wanting to take him back.

UGH.

If only Jane had made the bad decision to get a haircut from Groupon instead of make a sex tape.

Because those bangs will eventually grow up out.

-Jenny

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