It’s National Teacher Appreciation Day today!!! Buy your nearest teacher a tequila shot!
It reminds me of this guy I went out with in college, who tried to teach me something.
Have you ever had a significant other try and teach you something?
Like a skill?
…without PISSING you off in the process??
I suppose it’s hard to be a teacher when you’re not properly trained on how to be patient or kind.
This all went down when John, my boyfriend at the time, tried to teach me how to surf.
He was a very good surfer and I always admired his tan feet and decided that I’d like to learn how to surf, too.
And I had recently seen a group of actual (school aged) children learning how to surf one day, so how hard could it be?
A better question would have been: How hard could it be to teach someone how to surf???
The first thing John did was violently push me from behind.
There was no warning, it was a full-on beach ASSAULT.
Right as he was walking towards the ocean with his surfboard under his arm, he passed me, pushed me from the back HARD, and kept walking. I almost fell face first onto the sand.
“What the hell?” I said, regaining my balance. I thought for a second the surfboard had accidentally hit me.
But then he admitted to his deliberate attack.
“I needed to see what foot was your strongest,” he said. “You stepped forward to brace yourself with your right foot."
“Wait, THAT'S your test to see which is my strongest leg?” I yelled, looking around the beach to see if anyone witnessed this embarrassment.
“Yes,” he said. “That’s the only way to really tell.”
Then, John added insult to injury when he added, “You’re goofy footed.”
“WHO’S GOOFY?” I asked, again embarrassed, getting angrier by the minute.
“You. You’re goofy. You surf with your right foot at the front of the board. Goofy foot.”
I didn’t believe a word he was saying, wondering if I was being punk’d.
I mean…we hadn’t even started the lesson and I had been pushed like someone on the school yard and then made fun of???
He was already the worst teacher ever.
And then without so much as a proper lesson on the mechanics or a “dry run” on the sand, John whisked me into the freezing cold ocean, threw me on the board and then PUSHED me on his surfboard ahead of an oncoming wave.
I was immediately overtaken by the wave and was dragged underwater by it, surfboard flailing behind me, attached with velcro to my ankle and I put my arms in front of my face so that the surfboard wouldn’t clobber me in the face in its un-manned crash to the shore.
...While trying not to drown.
Once I felt sand on my belly and saw the surfboard stop moving on the shallow surf, I got up and screamed at John.
WHAT KIND OF SURFING "LESSON" WAS THIS??!?!”
It was the equivalent of pushing someone off the high dive when they weren’t ready.
Letting go on a two-wheeler without their permission.
“YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!” I wailed, but John didn't see it that way.
He told me to...OMG...stop being a "baby" and come back to the water and try again. He was totally unfazed that he made me legitimately scared for my life.
“TRY AGAIN TO DO WHAT? TO GET PUSHED INTO ONCOMING OCEAN WAVE TRAFFIC?" I yelled. "I DON’T THINK SO!”
There was water all lodged in my ears, which gave me a pounding headache and the absolute last thing I was going to do was put my life into his hands again.
“Just ride the wave,” he kept saying, like those were easy instructions.
DOES A SCHOOL TEACHER JUST TELL A STUDENT TO ANSWER A TRIGONOMETRY PROBLEM WHEN THEY’VE NEVER DONE ADDITION???
(Also I'm pretty sure they have a no pushing policy.)
We broke up soon after, which wasn't surprising, and I haven't properly attempted to surf again, goofy foot or not.
So…uh…happy national teacher appreciation day…to the teachers who are patient and kind.
For those who are not, though…
...buy their nearest student a tequila shot.