Tuesday, April 12, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

As someone who has been single from ages 28-32, I can tell you for a fact that the “wedding ring check” on a guy is very real, and *almost* as important as checking out his ass in jeans when he walks to the bathroom.

LOL

…Which is exactly why I’ve noticed a super disturbing trend lately: married guys aren’t wearing their wedding rings.

AS IF PEOPLE AREN’T ON ALERT FOR THEM.

I can’t imagine how this is OK with their wives.

(I also can’t imagine how this would be OK if the roles were reversed and their wives ventured out to a bar with no ring.)

But this past weekend I noticed three married guys with naked ring fingers, and now that I think about it, two more bare ring fingers came across my eyes earlier this month.

No, these men aren’t going through a divorce. 

This has totally ruined my fairytale about how guys are super proud of the fact that they’re taken and want the WORLD to see their “I’m taken” jewelry.

Also, I thought guys really wanted a daily reminder of the time they spent $25,000 on a four-hour party.

LOL

All joking aside, though, THIS IS BECOMING A TREND. And there aren’t any good excuses for it.

The DUH obvious reason is to come across as single and sleep with other people. 
(See: here).

But then there’s the excuse that someone lost too much weight, or gained too much weight and now the ring doesn’t fit.

Obviously that person hasn't been to Wal Mart’s elegant jewelry case and found a right-sized ring for $9.99. 

Fun fact: this is also the price of a ladies’ diamond ring at Wal Mart.

(Side note: Since when is it attractive to gain so much weight that you can’t fit your wedding ring on your finger???)

Females never seem to find excuses not to wear their wedding rings, especially when in public. 

Even the girls in the Crossfit class I took for a month wore Lance Armstrong-type rubber rings on their ring fingers!!

Say what you will about Howard Stern, but even he has the decency to tattoo his ring finger with his wife’s name so that even if he “forgets” his ring one day, people will knows he’s married.

The most hilarious case of a naked ring finger happened in an Uber, where the attractive Uber driver was congratulating my friend on her recent engagement.

“Marriage is great!” he said. “I’ve been married for a year! You’ll love it!”

My friend then scanned him from his hairline to his fingertips, old habits of the single girl (LOL)

“Well…where is your wedding ring?” she asked.

“Oh…I uhh….forgot to put it back on,” he said uncomfortably.

“What do you mean?” I asked from the back seat, frowning. “I didn’t know guys even took them off.”

“LOOK I WAS IN THE SHOWER!” he screamed.

Screamed.

LOL

My friend and I looked at each other, muffling our laughter.

“MY WIFE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, OK!!?!??” he said, as if simply asking him the ring question was the third degree. “OK??!?!”

LOL

"Your wife might...but other people don't," I wanted to say. 

Then I thought about all the young hot girls he drove around nightly.

I almost said: Have you checked out those Lance Armstrong rubber rings? They’re waterproof!

But I doubted he would care. 

And suddenly had no interest in checking out his ass.

-Jenny

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