Tuesday, April 5, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are some things you really just need to tell someone you’re dating. "Deal-breakers" if you will.

Like, I used to be a woman.

I’m actually your cousin.

…I’m currently awaiting trial for a felony cocaine charge. (Speaking of, have I mentioned that I wrote a letter to OKSTUPID telling them they should invest in background checks?!?!?)

Um.
Anyway.

I believe that telling your new girlfriend that you are technically married counts as “need to know.”

AmIRight?

For the record, there are plenty of girls who don’t mind dating someone who is “technically separated,” especially here in South Carolina where a separation lasts an entire year where no one is supposed to date anyone else.

But my friend Hillary didn’t live in South Carolina. And the guy she was dating, Joe, wasn’t some poor guy waiting out a 12-month separation sentence.

No, he didn’t tell her he was married at all. And he STILL wouldn’t have, but, alas, he slipped up.

Hillary and Joe dated for FOUR months. They met while watching some college game at a bar and connected right away. Joe was cute and had a really good job and was supposedly single and available. 

He spent the night at her place a lot. But surprise!!! (not really), she never went to his house.

It’s because he lived about 45 minutes away and “didn’t want to subject her to the ‘burbs'” and always traveled to see her, in the cool, hip downtown.

But then, right as she was getting excited about this new relationship, he slipped. 

While they were talking at her house about something as innocent as cheese.

CHEESE IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER!!!

Hillary said something about how she didn’t like a certain type of cheese when Joe blurted out casually, “Oh, yea, my wife doesn’t like that kind either.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(insert record scratch) ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

His what???

“YOUR WHAT??!!” Hillary yelled. This was the first time he had ever mentioned that he had a wife.

Hillary said the blood drained from Joe’s face and that...OMG...

He ACTUALLY SLAPPED HIS OWN FOREHEAD. 

Like  D’OH!!!!!

DO’H, HELL NO

“You have a WIFE?!?!” Hillary exclaimed, scrambling to put on clothes.

“Oh, no….um…no…we’re…uhhh…separated!” Joe said.

Right.

Note: He didn’t say “ex-wife.”

“YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE EVER MARRIED!” Hillary yelled.

She thought back to their conversations over the past four months, all those “getting to know you” conversations about places they had visited and lived, college, jobs, etc. 

He failed to mention that he oh, GOT MARRIED during this time.

What a tool.

Hillary promptly kicked him to the curb and blocked his number from her phone.

And thanked God for their cheese conversation.

LOL

(Forehead slap.)

-Jenny

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