Tuesday, December 22, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Important announcement: There is never an appropriate time to announce to your ex via text message that you are hooking up with someone else.

Is this not common sense? 

I feel like this should be included in the “All I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten” posters.

DON’T ANNOUNCE TO YOUR EX THAT YOU’RE HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE OVER TEXT MESSAGE.

We’re supposed to be in our 30s people!!!!

And...(insert Donald Trump voice): Isn’t that more of a chick thing to do???

(Hey, I didn’t say it. Donald Trump said it.)

But, as it turns out, 30-something guys are committing this crime. 

Specifically Chris, a guy my friend Blair dated and lived with, for almost a year.

Chris decided that the most reasonable way to tell Blair that he had found someone else...you know, A WEEK AFTER they broke up...was with this thoughtful text:

"Something great happened...I hope you're okay with it."

LOL

LOL

Blair and Chris first met in college and then reconnected after graduation. They dated for about six months and then Chris moved in. 

Everything was going great until Blair got laid off and couldn’t find a job in their college town. 

She said she was tired of the city, and mulled over the idea of moving across the country to a bigger city, to be closer to her family.

“You can come with me!” she offered. 

Chris said no, he loved his job and his family was there.

So it was settled....awkwardly.

She decided to move and tried to make their...errr...situation as nice as possible for him...even telling him he didn’t have to pay rent for the remaining TWO months before she left.

Blair said Chris was seemingly supportive of her new life until one week until her move date when he officially broke up with her and moved back in with his parents. 

LOL

Blair said she understood, and they agreed to stay in touch and be friends (Ed note: LOL) and they were still talking and texting like everything was normal until exactly ONE WEEK into her living in a new city.

Blair’s bags weren’t even unpacked.

"Something great happened...I hope you're okay with it,” Chris texted.

???

Of course she’d be OK with something great happening!

Was he going to join her in the big city? Did he win the lottery???

No.

“I met someone fantastic,” Chris wrote.

!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHA

Blair said Chris went on and on about this new girl he met... uhhhh.... “and then he didn’t understand why I wasn’t excited for him,” Blair said.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

He really expected her to be excited for him?
Hahahahahaha

What the hell is wrong with this guy?
Why couldn’t he have just said, “I’m moving on, don’t contact me?”

Why is he making her envision him with a “fantastic” hookup?

AND WHY IS HE UPLOADING PICTURES OF THEM TO FACEBOOK????


LOL

This is beyond kindergarten.

No posters can help him.

-Jenny

Monday, December 21, 2015

Bucket list: Washington D.C.

I went to Washington D.C. for the very first time a month ago, and stamp “I’m old” on my forehead because I checked off an item on my bucket list (I HAVE A BUCKET LIST, I’M OLD) and I spent hours upon hours enjoying the shit out of museums.

(I know...who is this girl??)

I really, really loved D.C. and 100 percent plan on returning because I only saw a fraction of the Smithsonian Natural History Museum and I need to see all of it. 

24,000 pounds of elephant!!

I went to D.C. because my friend Byron and his girlfriend Kelly just moved there from Charleston and JetBlue flies direct for under $100 round-trip.

!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Byron is a Marine, and he got me a ticket to the Marine Corps Ball.

THE MARINE CORPS BALL!!!!

I WENT TO A MARINE CORPS BALL!!

 
 Marine sandwich!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

But let me start from the beginning.

I got to D.C. on a Saturday morning and Byron took me straight to the White House, since seeing the White House is on my bucket list.

Mind you, it wasn’t “going inside of the White House.” Just seeing it, period. It’s the most American thing you can do!



It looked exactly like it did in the TV show House of Cards. Byron pointed out all the cameras on the top of the building, there were scary dogs on leashes walking around the perimeter.

I saw the people that have been protesting outside the White House 24/7/365 since 1981 (!!!!) because they don't want nuclear weapons to exist.

From what I gather, the couple live in a tent on the pedestrian mall avenue right across the street from the White House and no one can legally arrest them.


‘MERICA!!!

(I wonder what they did with them during House of Cards filming.)

Other D.C. observations: There are runners everywhere on a Saturday morning. Granted, it’s a gorgeous trail along the bank of the Potomac River, but I was in awe at the sheer number of runners that early in the morning.

DON’T THESE PEOPLE DRINK MIMOSAS??

It looked like a marathon.

Byron and I walked around to all the monuments within walking distance of the White House (Jefferson, Lincoln, Martin Luther King) and I read all the signs and quotes, and it did not go unnoticed that the statements said by leaders long ago are still important, relevant words for a functioning and free society.



Nice one, T. Jeff!!!!

(I photoshop underlined it. There is no graffiti at the monument)


The next stop was the Natural History Museum, which was FREE admission (what kind of city is this???) but we only had time to walk through the mammals exhibit.

(The human population section was really, really crowded. Haha)

"How can anyone go through this museum and still not believe in evolution?” I asked aloud.

Look at how giraffes didn’t used to have very long necks, but do now because the trees they eat from got taller and they had to adapt to survive!!! 

(No really, look at them. The entire exhibit is taxidermy animals.)

Look at the black bears that accidentally ended up in the Artic that died because they couldn’t hunt prey by blending into the snow!! 

And now they’re all white because those are the only ones who lived long enough to procreate!!! (White fur started out as a birth defect.)

This was the first mammal on Earth. This is your father.

“HOW CAN ANYONE GO THROUGH THIS MUSEUM AND NOT BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION???”  I asked again.

“People who don’t believe in evolution don’t go to museums,” a stranger replied.

LOL

LOL

That night, we went to the Marine Corps ball.

THE MARINE CORPS BALL!!!

WITH REAL MARINES!!!

The ball was held at a hotel and it was a fancy dinner and party for the Marine Corps’ 240th birthday.  

Before dinner, Marines did a lot of synchronized marching and symbolic carrying of flags and a bagpipe played Amazing Grace and every time I hear that song on a bagpipe, I get teary-eyed.

Then, I got more teary-eyed at the video we watched from the Marine’s Commandant (the guy in charge) with recorded interviews with retired Marines about fighting for country and sacrificing for each other and I was proud to even be sitting in their company.

And then everyone got drunk and danced around.

AND A MARINE PROPOSED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

(She said yes.)

The next day, Byron and I went to a Saints game, since their schedule happened to have them playing the Redskins and tickets were pretty cheap, but I don’t want to talk about that game.

(Silver lining: it was the prettiest NFL stadium I have ever been to in my life.)


On Monday, I had the day to myself and went to more museums: the Newseum, a nod to my profession, and the International Spy Museum, recommended by Byron, and 50 percent off admission THANKS Groupon.

Since these museums were in China Town, I Yelp’d the best Chinese restaurant (China Boy) and ate delicious shrimp stir fry on the street on the way to the Newseum, which predictably made me depressed since no one reads newspapers anymore.

But then, I got to visit my dear friend Katy who works for the Wall Street Journal at her office, and saw all the editors and reporters on the entire floor and it restored my faith in journalism.

Never forget. 
Newseum. 

At the Spy Museum, I got to pretend to be a florist from Sweeden going to London for a fake mission.

I LOVED the spy museum and now feel foolish not knowing we have so many government spies. 

I saw professional lock picks, cameras the size of a quarter, cyanide pills actually issued BY THE C.I.A. and holy shit, we REALLY didn’t get along with Russia in the 1960s, did we???
                                                                        

A photo posted by Genevieve (@jennyjenny504) on

Sooner than I wanted (I didn't even have time to see the parade of James Bond cars!! Rude.) it was time for me to leave D.C. 

I took the subway to the airport (PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION ---WHAT A CONCEPT!) and seamlessly checked in and boarded in under an hour -- another thing I had never seen before!!

Well done Capital City! 

The city of Marine dreams and White House bucket lists!

Bonding with strangers at the overcrowded human population exhibit over evolution.

And rectal spy kits.

That is not a rectal spy kit. 

Thank you Byron and Kelly!!!






\

 -Jenny

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s common courtesy to be supportive of your significant others’ hobbies and extracurricular activities, like GO TO THEIR ART SHOW (Pam from The Office.)

I think you’re pretty lucky if you get to date someone well-rounded enough who has a hobby or talent outside of work and it wouldn’t kill you to go to their dance performance. 

Or show up at their marathon finish line. 

Or their cook-off competition. 

Or ANY SINGLE kickball game.

(Um. For example.)

I once had an ex-boyfriend who couldn’t be bothered to read this blog, even when I changed the settings so that each post would show up as an email to him, even when I’d text, “I wrote something about you today!!”

He "never had time" to read it, week after week.

Ugh.

I thought that was bad until I heard about my friend Maggie’s DICK OF AN EX-HUSBAND, Julian, who shit all over her pottery.

Uhhh...haha figuratively.

Maggie was an amateur pottery maker and had been taking pottery classes for the past four years and really enjoyed it along with the friendships and the instructor.

She said Julian didn’t have a problem with her pottery hobby (ED note: No one should have a problem with a pottery hobby) until they got married and moved in together and then suddenly Julian had a huge problem with it.

Yes, rather than envision sneaking into the studio at night and re-enacting the scene from Ghost (like MOST normal people), Julian instead told her she was “wasting her money” on the classes.

“...And then he told me to stop bringing home my work,” Maggie said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP BRINGING HOME HER FINISHED BOWLS??

WHAT!!?!?!?

“He said that I wasn’t very good and that he could buy those bowls for $1 at the dollar store,” Maggie said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who says that?? To their wife???

It was beyond hurtful.

P.S. What the hell kind of dollar store is HE shopping at??

“It was just another way for him to say I was wasting money on the classes. Like, he could buy the same thing at the store for $1,” Maggie said.

OK

DICK.

Maggie said she tried to argue with him saying that if she was allowed to sell the bowls (the class did not permit that), then she would get way more than $1 and, besides, it wasn’t about the money, it was something she enjoyed.

But Julian wasn’t listening.

And then: OMG.

He gave her instructions. 

"YOU CAN ONLY HAVE TWO OF YOUR POTTERY BOWLS IN THE HOUSE!” he said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“He was so miserable, he just wanted to make me miserable too,” Maggie realized.

Needless to say, Julian is gone and Maggie is still making pottery.

And now that I think about it, no one has seen that old kiln in a while...

-Jenny

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Ahhhh...there’s nothing like the holidays to bring out the hypocritical control freak in your significant other.

LOL

To be fair, this story really could apply to any time of the year where you meet your significant other’s hometown friends—a high school reunion, a wedding, uhhh...Jazz Fest.

But this happened to be at Christmas, when my friend Hannah came to New Orleans with her boyfriend Scott, who is from New Orleans. 

She met all of his hometown friends for the first time at a Christmas event in City Park.

It was a fancy Christmas event, people dressed up and drinking cocktails among the carousals, bumper cars and a tilt-a-whirl (whyyy??) plus people walking around all these sculptures of popular children’s nursery rhymes like Old Mother Hubbard’s shoe.

Hannah met Scott in New York, where they both lived, and they went on very nice dates and seemed to have a good time together. He had a fancy job where he had to pay attention to things like the stock market.

They went to the park event where Hannah met all of Scott’s hometown friends and she said she clicked with them immediatelyjoking around, laughing and drinking heavily from the open bar.

His friends were getting super rowdy (NOLA boys), peeing in the whale from Pinnochio’s mouth (sorry kids hahaha) and Scott was laughing hysterically about it.

“Gross!!” Hannah said, running away toward the statue of the dish that ran away with the spoon.

She said she was on her way to get another drink, leaving the guys to their potty humor, when suddenly Scott was behind her in the drink line.

“I think you’ve had enough,” he said to her, sternly.

“What?” Hannah asked.

“You’ve had three drinks, and that’s enough,” Scott said.

????????????

Excuse me?? Baking powder?

He was counting her drinks??

Hannah said this was the first time in their dating history that he ever said anything like that. And they definitely got drunk off bottles of wine before.

“What are you talking about?” Hannah said. 

“I think Max is the one who’s had enough,” she added, pointing to HIS friend who was humping Jack and Jill.

“Yea, well, they can drink all they want, but my GIRLFRIEND doesn’t get DRUNK,” Scott said, like this was a statement of fact. 

“...NOT in front of my friends.”

LOL

LOL

LOL

“NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?" Hannah asked. "You mean the ones who are pissing in the whale’s mouth?”

She stayed firmly in the drink line.

“I mean it,” Scott said. “Don’t order another drink.”

LOL

LOL

LOL

(Ed note: God, how UN-New Orleans)

Hannah said she stepped out of the drink line and glared at Scott while his friends did cartwheels on the lawn.

She said she didn’t want to get into a fight with the person she was staying with and stuck strictly to ONE glass of wine each night for the remainder of the trip.

(God, how UN-New Orleans)

Scott didn’t pick up on Hannah’s cold shoulder and continued to re-live the “hilarious” time in New Orleans once they got back to New York.

“Did you see Laura almost fall out of her bar stool because she was so drunk?” Scott asked. “I’ve never seen her so sloshed!”

That was the last straw.

“Yea, well, I’m glad you find THAT hilarious, and I can’t even order TWO drinks,” Hannah said.

THEN...OMG.

Scott replied, “Yea, well, I’m not dating Laura. I’m dating YOU. Have you ever heard of, ‘Lady in the street, freak in the sheet?’

LOL

LOL

LOL

WHAT??!?!?

Was that a rap song???

WHO SAYS THAT??

That's the worst nursery rhyme ever!!

“So, you want me to pretend to look prim and proper in public and then I can drink all I want in private?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well. Scott certainly got the FREAK part right.

Control freak.

Hannah broke up with him the next day, of course, and included the line, “You’re going to make someone really miserable one day.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA

She should work that line into a nursery rhyme.

-Jenny

Friday, December 4, 2015

Tears of Joy

The bottom line is that there isn’t anything I can say that could be profound enough to mark this momentous occasion.

Not in a Facebook status, not to co-workers who ask me where the H I’ve been for the past week, or anyone else who asks me “how’s it going?” when they hear that my twin sister is getting married tomorrow.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come again?!?!??

MY TWIN SISTER JOY IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

My best friend in the whole world!!!

How can I possibly put this into words?

What can I say about something so magnificent and life-changing, about how perfectly life works sometimes?

Ok, I’ll try.

The most touching thing I've witnessed from observing Joy and Daniel is that they bring out the very best version of themselves to each other.

It's not to show off or anything. It's because that's the version of themselves they see when they look into the other's eyes.

:)

And you don’t want to let someone down by not being you.

:)

OK, so THAT did NOT make it into the speech I’m going to give tomorrow night.

Hahahahahaha

(Cue the violins)

Here’s my real speech:


For those who have known Joy and I since...oh, one year old...know that we often get into these giggling fits.

It’s very exclusive giggling fits, episodes that can only come from an incredibly strong connection with a best friend, where a quick glance at each other following something as subtle as a “word’ pronounced funny by someone can trigger an identical emotion of pure hilarity and joy that things like etiquette and manners just go right out the window.

you both find the same thing funny that no one else does.

Our own world where we just get tickled by something, a shared world that no one else understands.

I always knew that when Joy got lucky enough to find someone to laugh with her like that, he’d be a keeper.

Laughing, especially shared uncontrolled giggling. The kind of laughing people on the outside raise their eyebrows and look uncomfortable as you start crying from the laughter. It’s a true sign of having a special connection.

I first noticed that connection with Daniel, when I moved back to Charleston from New Orleans two years ago. Where I’d see them sneak glances at each other and crack up laughing without saying a word.

It is always the things you notice about a couple when they don’t think their being noticed that shows you they are a perfect fit. Like being extra thoughtful by cleaning his coffee mug in the morning, or offering to drive them to the bus every morning, hahaha even in a wedding rehearsal, where they automatically, natural held hands without any prompt, asking a few minutes later, “Wait, is this OK? Is this how we’re supposed to stand?”

It’s that ease and comfortableness that makes me so happy that Joy and Daniel are now man and wife, and will do these things for the rest of their lives.
I remember when Joy started referring Daniel to the man she wants to marry. (There wasn’t a giggling fit then)

And, in addition, to all the things that are obvious to everyone here today: How Joy and Daniel bring out the best in each other. Because the best version of themselves is the version that they see in each other’s eyes.

I would also like to add that remember thinking that Daniel would make Joy happy for the rest of her life, simply by way of laughter. Inside joke, uncontrollable riduciolus laihging. Even laughing alone just envisioning your best friend there Can’t wait to home and tell a story so you can laugh about it twice.

I hope you giggle on forever, inapproparite laugher in a huge room of people where you have to pinch yourself to snap out of it.

Where you know that no matter what life will give you and throw you, you can crawl up and remember a funny moment, repeat that word
And I love you.


DUH I’m not giving it all away here!

But I did want to drop a note to everyone in the internet space that JOY’S WEDDING IS TOMORROW!!!!!

And it’s going great. 

It’s been a week-long whirlwind of family and love and wine and laughter. As usual.

I already cried like a baby when Joy walked down the aisle at rehearsal yesterday...(wait for it)...tears of Joy.

Because it's the happiest I've ever been.

:)

Happy (almost) December 5, ya’ll!!!!!!!!





What a wonderful world.

-Jenny
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