Since I’m not in high school anymore, I have no idea how people
go from dating to being ohhhhh
boyfriend/girlfriend (or boyfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend/girlfriend, whatever).
I mean, what’s the protocol these days?
Do you just start introducing them as your boyfriend/girlfriend and cross your fingers that they
Maybe an official conversation: “Let’s both delete our Tinder accounts....together.”
But, I do know the WRONG way to approach the subject of calling
someone your girlfriend: stealing her PHONE when she’s asleep and replying to a
text from another guy with, “don’t text my girlfriend anymore.”
This happened to my friend Shelby last week, who had been
dating this guy Trevor for, uh, THREE weeks
They had not had a conversation about being exclusive or
boyfriend/girlfriend and had actually only seen each other a handful of times over
the three weeks.
Shelby and Trevor met at the bar where she worked part-time and
they hit it off immediately. But she noticed that he
was always texting with other girls.
Shelby wasn’t really worried about it because they weren’t
that serious but then, after a day of drinking all day and hanging out, Trevor I guess thought they were exclusive.
Shelby had passed out in his bed and her phone buzzed and Trevor
saw that she had received a text from a guy.
And then he lost it.
It doesn’t matter that the text was from a platonic guy friend
who lived five states away.
Not that Trevor asked.
No, Trevor, in a mighty display of douche-ery, decided to TAKE
SHELBY’S PHONE, TAKE A PICTURE OF HER PASSED OUT IN HIS BED, and send the photo to the
guy with “stop texting my girlfriend.”
In addition to Trevor stealing
her phone and taking a secret picture
of her passed out, Shelby notes that they never had any conversation about
GUYS, TAKE NOTE: This is NOT how you have the “girlfriend”
You don’t refer to her as your girlfriend over text to her
guy friend without her permission accompanied by a photo of her passed out
Just don't do it.
Someone make a
Shelby recalls (fuzzily) Trevor waking her up to
show her the text, furious, and they got into a fight about it and she
left the next morning definitely NOT his girlfriend.
It was horrible; she had to apologize profusely to her
PLATONIC guy friend and then Trevor continued to be bat-shit crazy.
“I DON’T CARE THAT UR SEEING OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM TOO”
he wrote the next day.
Then, to prove his point, Trevor sent her PHOTOS OF OTHER
GIRLS, body shot photos (no faces) of various girls in various bedrooms that obviously
came from porn sites or Tinder because....duh.
(I saw the photos with my own eyes, ya'll!!!!)
The first picture was of a very, very skinny girl in a black
But rather than be sad about it, Shelby began to mess with him and that made him even more mad.
Shelby responded with something along the lines of “I guess...if you’re into that sort of body type.”
Then Trevor sent her another picture a few hours later of a busty, curvy girl (HAHAHAHAHAHA) another body shot, and Shelby responded with something else funny, which
drove Trevor even more nuts.
“YEA WELL SHE’S BRINGING ME PIZZA RIGHT NOW,” he said.
One more time, all together:
Did he think this was believable?
Did he think this would make her
Where is he getting his dating advice from?
And...(I know, I need to stop trying to understand crazy)...why
would one day you refer to someone as your girlfriend
(albeit in a creepy, completely inappropriate way) and the next day send her
pictures of other girls in their underwear?
I can just picture Trevor staring at his phone red in the face furiously trying
to find more *super realistic* pictures to send to Shelby.
Once upon a time, right after college, I dated someone who
was a complete idiot (literally an
idiot...like he’d fail an IQ test), and to prove my point, he ended
things because I was too smart.
His words. He actually said: You’re
No, wait...the full quote was (earmuffs mom): Your boobs are too big to be so smart.
him with my bra size.
Up until that moment in 2007, I didn’t realize that, OUTSIDE
OF NETWORK TELEVISION, having a large chest meant I was also not allowed to
have a large brain, but Robert found my proportions (pun intended) a deal
Sure, we weren’t a match at all, even though he was the most attractive person I had laid eyes
on in a long time.
We dated for about a month but I became suspicious when I
found out he was on probation from pharmacy school because he FAILED A DRUG
Also, I did all of his homework for him.
Hmm...maybe I’M the idiot... Anyway.
Robert’s bizarre breakup speech followed an awkward dinner with his family where I “ruined” a joke by knowing the definition of
(I can’t really explain the joke because it DOESN’T MAKE
After I “ruined” the joke that wasn’t even really a joke, more
like a play-on-words but NOT REALLY, BECAUSE IT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE, the tension was
enough for Robert to announce to everyone, “See? I told you she was smart...” And then he trailed off, and no one gave
him props for having a smart date. They all just sat there like I was handicapped or somethingand they were trying not to stare.
After the meal, Robert drove me home and I knew that I’d
never see him again (BECAUSE I HAVE A BRAIN) and as he dropped me off I tried
to be upbeat –dinner was *super fun*
thanks—when he said, “You’re too smart.”
I thought he was being cute and complimentary and giggled a little
but then realized he was completely serious.
He wasn't laughing.
“What do you mean ‘too smart?’” I asked. "You mean I'm 'too smart' to hang out with you and your family?"
It was confusing; he didn't say "you're a know-it-all" or "you're a smartass," which are legitimate complaints about a significant other. He just said, "You're too smart." Too smart, period. Then came the kicker. “You know...your boobs are too big to be so smart,” Robert finally said.
So this was an either/or situation??? WTF. CAVEMAN.
ALSO, THAT WASN’T EVEN AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION.
But it was clear that my question didn't need an answer.
Yes, I was "too smart" to hang out with him and his family. Also, he only cared about boobs. No brain attached.
“My boobs are too big to be so smart, really Robert?" I said. "I...don’t even know where to start with that.”
Then I got out of the car and never heard
from him again.
Although I did hear that he failed out of pharmacy
school soon after that.
If Toolbag Tuesday was a TV series, (uhh...Kickstarter??) then Marty, this guy my friend Lauren dated, would be cast first.
It makes sense, because Marty is a minor actor on TV. (And by minor, I mean the weekend weatherman is more well-known.)
But, Marty wouldn’t be cast just because he can read lines and is hilariously fake-tanned (Really...hilariously).
He’d be cast first because he IS the quintessential, cliché toolbag, the cheater-liar-who thinks he’s God’s gift, and that women are too dumb to find out about his cheating and lying.
Case-in-point: While dating my friend Lauren...EXCLUSIVELY...and telling her he wanted to marry her, he was texting another woman, whose name he changed in his phone to “Richard.”
Yes, Marty thought he was fooling Lauren with his new “BFF Richard,”—no big deal, just texting my friend Richard!—but since when do guys text each other every second?
Wait it gets better.
Marty sent a NAKED PICTURE of himself to “Richard.”
No, that’s not fishy at all.
Guys send naked pics to their guy friends all the time!!!!
WAIT. IT GETS EVEN BETTER:
The naked picture he sent to “Richard” was taken in LAUREN’S BATHROOM.
Yes, this dude took a naked selfie in his girlfriend’s bathroom to send to his side piece, who he renamed as “Richard” in his phone.
If Toolbag Tuesday had a mascot, Marty would be it.
(It would be his biggest role yet! LOL)
It’s possible Marty would have gotten away with this even longer had he known that his side piece “Richard” is all kinds of crazy.
When “Richard” found out that he had a girlfriend (maybe it was the tampons in the background of the bathroom selfie that gave him away, I don’t know) “Richard” tracked Lauren down and bombed her with texts about how Marty had been cheating on her for the past FOUR months.
...And that’s how Lauren ended up in the most TOOLBAGGY drama ever: A random, crazy girl texting her screen grab PICTURE TEXTS from Marty, of his naked body, posing in HER bathroom.
(Insert voice of TV show director): AAAANNND...CUT.
Of course, Marty lived up to expectations when confronted about this, and decided to use the justification that REALLY, HE WANTED TO MARRY LAUREN....but he wanted to have sex with “Richard.”
Such a romantic.
This episode of Toolbag Tuesday ends with both women dumping him, but then Marty goes for an Emmy award with his post-breakup text to Lauren asking if they could have one more “goodbye screw.”