It’s safe to say that your romantic relationship is over when the guy you've been seeing calls you but there’s a GIRL on the other end instead, telling you to leave "her man" alone, stop going on afternoon runs by his house and STOP PETTING HIS DOG.
(Not a euphemism, his actual dog.)
This happened a few weeks ago to my friend Jenna, who had been dating this guy Greg on and off for three years. I guess this was an “off” time.
Jenna, who is over 30 years old, said getting a call from another girl from GREG’S PHONE was the lamest thing that had happened to her in a long time. (Just wait, Jenna. Just wait...)
First, don’t let your new girl ambush your old girl like that by letting her use your phone.
Also, if Greg had a problem with her usual jogging route that she had established well before she met him, then he could tell her that himself.
And it was creepy to know that someone had been watching her stop to pet his dog through the fence.
Jenna didn’t respond to the girl and promptly hung up.
It wasn’t very shocking; Greg always seemed to have another girl around, using his mildly attractive looks to get away with too much.
But that was the last straw.
She and Greg were officially, definitely OFF.
But then, TWO WEEKS LATER, as she was still trying to shake him off, she was on her front porch talking to her roommate and saw Greg’s golf cart drive by her house and then slow down.
Golf carts weren’t even allowed at nighttime...and her house was not on the way to anything.
"Greg?” she called out and then the golf cart carted away.
So...she gets specific instructions to not go on her afternoon runs by his house, but he can CREEP-CART her at night?!?!
She wished should could find a guy to call Greg from her phone to tell him to stop it.
Several weeks after that, and still no actual communication, Jenna bumped into Greg at a Halloween party. The party was thrown by a mutual friend.
Jenna didn’t see any girl with him, but she avoided him all the same.
It was really awkward having to exit every room that he entered, but that’s what happens when you play games with someone.
Anyway...HE STARTED IT.
(And for the record, she hadn’t run by his house in a month.)
The party went into the wee hours and Jenna actually forgot all about Greg until she went into the backyard to stand around a firepit. Greg was on the other side.
“Hey Jenna,” he said, loudly, in front of everyone in the circle.
She looked at him.
It was their first conversation in a month when he broke up with her via another girl.
What could he possibly say to her now?
Maybe apologize for the weird phone call? Maybe mention the golf cart incident? Maybe tell her Happy Halloween?
Greg chose this line: “Hey...wanna do it in the butt tonight?”
His eyes gleamed in the flames.
Everyone stopped talking.
“What?” Jenna asked.
“DO. YOU. WANT. TO. DO. IT. IN. THE. BUTT. TONIGHT.” he repeated.
He was drunk, but he wasn’t kidding.
“NO!” Jenna yelled and walked back into the house. Greg followed her.
(Ed note: Followed her from behind heyooooo)
“I’m serious!” he said. “DO YOU?”
“He must have asked me 50 times and I said NO 50 times and then finally I just called an Uber and left,” Jenna said.
“Everyone at the party heard him ask me, like that was something we DID together, it was so embarrassing,” she said.
At least now she's no longer interested in petting his dog ever again.