Tuesday, October 13, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

In times of crisis, like a hurricane, a tropical storm, or, I don’t know…a 1,000 year FLOOD, it’s nice to have a boyfriend around to protect you and your house; put up boards on the windows and scare away things like spiders.

This is especially true if you're a lady homeowner and don’t have the safety net of calling a landlord to do anything.

As such, if you live in a coastal area, I think this should be a standard dating question to anyone you date for more than three months: If there was a big storm coming, would you watch a Harry Potter marathon...uhh stay with me?

For Leon, that answer was no.

Leon apparently liked to play house with my friend Brittany when it was fun things like dinners and sleepovers, but not when things got scary and real…like A 1,000 YEAR FLOOD.

Brittany bought her first house less than a year ago, and the disaster that was Hurriance Joaquin's butt-debris hitting South Carolina shores earlier this month was the first storm she’d experienced as a homeowner.

No one wants to be alone for that!!

This is what boyfriends are for!!!

As county-issued announcements came that schools and offices would be closed, Brittany panicked and called Leon.

“Can you believe this?? I'm so nervous—the yard gets really flooded when it rains for one afternoon!”

She expected Leon, the guy she had been dating for FIVE months, who spent practically every night at her house, to batten down the hatches with her. 

He spent practically every night there. Eating her food and using her toilet paper (lol ew) and all that. It was also a weekend, and, like most big storms that hit coastal areas, was determined just that Tuesday.

But Leon already had other plans.

Uhhhh

“Yea, I’m going to go to Rock Hill (a few hours inland) with some friends and dodge the storm,” he said.

UM.

What?

“What?” Brittany asked. “What about me? I can’t leave my house!”

“Just text me,” he wrote.

Uhhhh

What??

Text you??!?!

WHO LEAVES THEIR GIRLFRIEND HANGING LIKE THAT??!??

Seriously?? 

JERK.

Brittany hung up and started moving everything out of her carport…alone.

And then the storm came. Relentless rain pounded down for days and days and days and the backyard turned into a complete lake. A rising one.  

Brittany texted Leon a picture of the lake-yard, hoping he’d be sympathetic.  
“It’s coming up” she texted.

Then she stared at her phone for the next HOUR. And then hours. And hours.

Nothing. No response.

UGH

Was he getting flooded, too? Brittany checked the radar for Rock Hill.

No real rain.

And no text back.

NO TEXT BACK!!!!!!

Hours and hours went by.

“What are you doing?” she texted him at midnight.

He wrote back.

“Oh just having some beers with friends,” he wrote.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C-O-O-L

Brittany ignored him and stared as the water crept up to the patio line.

Two more days passed with the incessant rain and flooding cooping up everyone indoors.

…Which was a great time for Brittany to reflect on things.

Fast forward several days later, when the rain finally subsided and Brittany got WiFi back and looked at Leon’s Instagram account.

Apparently, he didn’t respond to her stressed out flooded out neighborhood photo text, but he COPIED HER PICTURE and POSTED it to HIS account to show the social media world the flooding in South Carolina.

LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!

Ya'll

Really

HE RE-POSTED HER PICTURE (hahahahahahaha) yet couldn’t be bothered to respond to said picture with so much as a, ‘Oh my God are you OK?’ response.

LOL 

LOL\

HE WASN'T EVEN THERE!!

LOSER!!!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(p.s. Another guy abusing social media!?!?!)

The ironic part was all of the “Are you OK??” posts people kept commenting on the photo.

That was supposed to be his line.

...To the photographer of the photo!!!

Yes, it took a 1,000 year flood to bring out Leon’s true colors, and a 1/100th of a millisecond for Brittany to realize that Leon was no man at all.

So now let's update.

 Here’s the standard dating question to anyone you date for more than three months: 

If a storm was coming, would you leave me all alone and then steal my flooding picture and post it to Instagram as yours without asking if I'm alive?!??

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what? On second thought, that doesn’t sound like anyone a lady homeowner should count on to scare away spiders.

-Jenny

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