Tuesday, September 8, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My friend Gina doesn’t drive a stick shift.

So imagine her surprise when she was driving her drunk date home one Saturday night and, right as she merged onto the interstate, she felt her hand on a very hard, very large STICK.

!!!!!!!!

Yes.

Mike, her date, had unzipped his pants while sitting shotgun and decided that Gina needed to touch his bare penis, so he placed her hand around it. Unwelcomed, unwarranted. Going 60 miles per hour.

UGGGGGGGGHHH.

Oh, and this was a first date.

An online first date.

UGGGGGGGGGGHH.

OMG.

OKstupid!!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE CALL 911!!!

This has GOT to be some sort of assault, right??? You can’t just put someone’s hands on your junk, right??!?

I mean, girls don’t even want to see your dick PIC on their phone, let alone an unwelcomed SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hand around it in their very own car.

This is the epitome of a toolbag. 
A gross, desperate toolbag.

Gina said Mike honestly thought she’d be down for this activity even though, as she describes, “We weren’t even being sexy and actually had just gotten into an argument about a song on the radio right before that.”

This is the true definition of a perv.

Gina said she continued looking at the INTERSTATE and took her hand back. 

She didn’t know what to do. Twist it? Yank it off? She then became very aware that she was in her car with a complete stranger-pervert.

“I’m...driving,” she said, not wanting to make him mad.

She said Mike kept bringing her hand back to his pants even though she insisted she was NOT playing that game.

She mentally kicked herself for driving him home in the first place. BUT F THAT. It’s not her fault her date was such a creepy perv he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

WAS THIS HIS M.O.?

DID HE DO THIS WITH ALL THE GIRLS HE GOES OUT WITH????

WHO ON EARTH WOULD FALL FOR THIS???

But he kept on.

“Come inside and meet my cat,” Mike said once Gina pulled up to his house.

OMG. Really.

“No, I’m going home,” she said.

“NO. I WON’T LET YOU!” Mike said, insisting. “YOU HAVE TO MEET MY CAT!”

“I don’t want to meet your cat,” Gina told him calmly. “I’m very tired.”

“Nothing is going to happen if you come inside,” he said. “It’s a safe place.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

SAYS DICK PANTS.

I mean, he actually said "a safe place," which means it wasn't.

After much arguing back and forth, where this drunk disgusting PERV wouldn't get out of her car, Gina said he finally gave up after she dropped thoughtful curse words such as, “I’m not going inside your fucking house.”

Mike then got out of the car and stumbled to his door.

He’s lucky she didn’t call the cops and make him file as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

Mike then woke up to a nasty text message from Gina about “whipping out your dick” with the words, "disrespectful" and "disgusting" and a sexual abuse report to the online dating site to get his profile flagged for removal.

“And I had to drive home using just my right hand pinky so I wouldn’t get his gross PENIS GERMS on my steering wheel!” Gina said.

Ugh.

At least it wasn’t a stick shift this time.

SUCK ON A CAR TAILPIPE, MIKE.

-Jenny

P.S. Mike is his real name

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