It’s one thing to look up someone on Linkedn or Facebook before a first date to make sure they have a job and friends, but it’s QUITE another thing to run a full-on background check.
...ON SOMEONE'S WHOLE FAMILY.
Because that’s like a violation of privacy plus it shows that someone has way too much time on their hands AND gets off on uncovering mug shots.
Moral of the story: Don’t go out with a cop.
This happened to my friend Gia last week, when she went on a Match.com date (Tinder is for losers) with Steve, a seemingly cute guy who as it turns out, used to be a cop.
Steve did legal work now, and so did Gia, and they talked about their jobs when I guess Steve...uhh...wanted to impress her by telling her that before their date, he ran a background check on her.
“Oh yea?” she asked, thinking he was messing with her. “Then what’s my real name?”
“Genessa Erin,” he said.
Gia was taken aback, and felt violated.
“Ummm...how did you get my full name?” she asked. “And my last name?”
“Your phone number,” he said.
“My cell phone number?”
The god damn white pages doesn’t even list cell phone numbers! Did he PAY money to run this “check”?
Steve then said that he normally doesn’t tell the girls he goes out with that he ran a check, but that “Gia could handle it.”
“Well that’s because I have nothing on my record but a speeding ticket,” Gia said, trying to hide her OMG YOU’RE A CREEP face.
“Yep. Speeding. Ten miles over,” he said.
“I actually know the cop, too,” he laughed.
Saying you know a cop that gave a girl an expensive speeding ticket gets you NO POINTS.
It was just creepy.
“Umm,” Gia said. “You run a background check every time you meet someone for a date?”
“Yes,” Steve said.
Gia sat there uncomfortably wondering if he somehow knew her credit score, too.
Whatever happened to Linkedn?!??!?! Or finding them on social media???
(Ironically, her public Instagram account was more incriminating than her background check.)
After a minute or so, she asked, “So, what ‘charge’ would be a deal breaker? Murder? Prostitution?”
Steve thought for a minute. “Domestic violence,” he said. “I don’t need a ‘boyfriend beater.’”
Steve must have mistaken Gia’s line of questioning for interest or even her being impressed, because he unfortunately continued.
“And...you have a sister? Who lives in Los Angeles?” he asked.
Gia put her fork down.
“What?!?! How do you know that!”
“I saw her mug shot,” he said, smiling, like she should give him a medal or something.
“Her mug shot...from her underage drinking ticket from COLLEGE?” Gia asked.
“Oh, I can’t read the charge,” he said. “But I saw the mug shot.”
Uhhhh who the hell gave him permission to run a background check on her OR her sister?
Isn’t that something you need to approve??! And sign??
Or did she just need to change the name on her phone number to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
Steve then made a comment about how Gia had been on Match.com that day looking at his profile again, and he knows this because Match tells you the last time someone was on the site.
“Wow...you are...quite the investigator,” Gia said.
Then she imagined, very much like Kirstie Alley’s character in Look Who’s Talking (I swear I make other movie references), in the scene where she envisions the rest of her life with each guy she goes on a first date with.
Gia envisioned Steve checking her phone records, placing a GPS under her car hood, following behind her in an unmarked vehicle or something. OH, AND FOLLOWING AROUND HER WHOLE FAMILY TOO.
I mean, just imagining him sitting at a little computer typing her full name into an effing background check search engine was an absolute turn off.
And the idea that he goes out with girls and doesn't tell them that he, oh, just knows their entire legal history (and their family members' history) is creepy.
I, for one, think Gia should have made a citizen’s arrest on his ass.
For disturbing the peace...of mind.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call Verizon Wireless and change my name to MS. NUNNYA BIZ.