Tuesday, March 10, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

If Toolbag Tuesday was a TV series, (uhh...Kickstarter??) then Marty, this guy my friend Lauren dated, would be cast first.

It makes sense, because Marty is a minor actor on TV. (And by minor, I mean the weekend weatherman is more well-known.)

But, Marty wouldn’t be cast just because he can read lines and is hilariously fake-tanned (Really...hilariously).

He’d be cast first because he IS the quintessential, cliché toolbag, the cheater-liar-who thinks he’s God’s gift, and that women are too dumb to find out about his cheating and lying. 


Case-in-point: While dating my friend Lauren...EXCLUSIVELY...and telling her he wanted to marry her, he was texting another woman, whose name he changed in his phone to “Richard.”

HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA

Yes, Marty thought he was fooling Lauren with his new “BFF Richard,”—no big deal, just texting my friend Richard!—but since when do guys text each other every second?

...After midnight?

Hahaha

Wait it gets better.

Marty sent a NAKED PICTURE of himself to “Richard.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No, that’s not fishy at all.

Guys send naked pics to their guy friends all the time!!!!

WAIT. IT GETS EVEN BETTER:

The naked picture he sent to “Richard” was taken in LAUREN’S BATHROOM.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this dude took a naked selfie in his girlfriend’s bathroom to send to his side piece, who he renamed as “Richard” in his phone.

If Toolbag Tuesday had a mascot, Marty would be it.

(It would be his biggest role yet! LOL)

It’s possible Marty would have gotten away with this even longer had he known that his side piece “Richard” is all kinds of crazy.

When “Richard” found out that he had a girlfriend (maybe it was the tampons in the background of the bathroom selfie that gave him away, I don’t know) “Richard” tracked Lauren down and bombed her with texts about how Marty had been cheating on her for the past FOUR months.

...And that’s how Lauren ended up in the most TOOLBAGGY drama ever: A random, crazy girl texting her screen grab PICTURE TEXTS from Marty, of his naked body, posing in HER bathroom.

(Insert voice of TV show director): AAAANNND...CUT.

Ha

Of course, Marty lived up to expectations when confronted about this, and decided to use the justification that REALLY, HE WANTED TO MARRY LAUREN....but he wanted to have sex with “Richard.”

BAHAHAHA

Such a romantic.

This episode of Toolbag Tuesday ends with both women dumping him, but then Marty goes for an Emmy award with his post-breakup text to Lauren asking if they could have one more “goodbye screw.”

SERIOUSLY. 
HE SERIOUSLY ASKED HER THAT.

AND he used the term "goodbye screw."

COME UP AND ACCEPT YOUR EMMY AWARD, MARTY!!!!

While the rest of us cancel our subscriptions.

-Jenny

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