Tuesday, March 3, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s always nice when someone realizes exactly what they did wrong in a relationship and makes meaningful strides to be a better person in their next relationship.

Just kidding.

BARF.

Seriously. Is there anything more annoying than barf-knowing your ex has changed dramatically???

Yes, yes there is.

When they TELL YOU ABOUT IT THEMSELVES.

Why do people do this? Why on Earth does anyone think their newfound decent-ness is something that their EX needs to know?

(These are usually accompanied by a pointless self-serving “apology." Know the signs.)

My friend Dee had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of this fuckery by her ex-husband, Brian.

Brian was engaged to be married again. The engagement announcement was annoyingly close to the time he and Dee finalized their own divorce, but to be fair, no one ever accused Brian of being tactful.

Dee, of course, already heard about his engagement because nothing is a secret on Facebook, even if you BlockABitch.

And yes, she had spent the last several days drinking a barrel of wine, ThankYouVeryMuch.

But then on day three, she looked at her phone and saw a text from Brian. 


He hadn’t texted her in months.

Ummm....was there a problem with their LEGALZOOM.COM divorce??

No.

He just had to get something off of his chest.

“I’m getting remarried...” he wrote.

YEA DUH.

BARF.

“and I’m really sorry about how our relationship crumbled and I pray to God that I can be a better husband this time around.”

Hahahahahahahahaha 

HE BROUGHT GOD INTO IT.

Uhhhhh.....What the hell was she supposed to do with that???

That's something you tell your NEW wife, not your ex-wife.


I mean, was Dee supposed to be glad that he’s interested in being a better person "this time around??"

Glad that some random chick gets the reflective, praying Brian instead of selfish A-hole Brian???

A-hole Brian was reserved just for YOU, babe!!!
That’s not who I am anymore!!! 

UGH.

This information helps no one.

Why can’t people just leave their exes alone with their barrel of wine????

WHY????

In my opinion, he would have done better to have put all of this information into a hand-written letter.

And then bury it.

And then barf all over it.


-Jenny

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