Wednesday, February 18, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I feel like people who are completely unavailable yet still date should have obvious signs on their head about what exactly their problem is.

Just get it out of the way you know?

Like maybe a drawing of a piece of luggage (i.e. “I have baggage”)

Or cookware! (“I’m a pothead”) hahahaha alternative meaning: “My brain is basically scrambled eggs.”

Or, in the case of my friend Michelle, it would have been really convenient if the tool she dated, Baron, had a picture of a piece of Velcro on his forehead.

(“Don’t get too attached to me.”)

(...Because I will RIP YOU.)

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to get too attached, I guess, but in that case DON’T DATE SOMEONE EXCLUSIVELY for four months and act like...super glue.

GAW.

Say, “don’t get too attached to me” after date four, not date 44, IF you have to say it at all.

Michelle and Baron got together after being set up by a mutual friend, where HE pursued HER, where he told her the sweetest things, took her out on the cutest dates and convinced her to cook him chicken even though she’s a vegetarian.

(That’s love.)

He bought tickets to a concert months away. He taught her the importance of cuddling. He asked her to watch his pets when he went out of town.

SUPER GLUE!
SUPER GLUE!

But then Baron’s job was in limbo and he freaked out that he would either take a pay cut or be fired and that’s when he did a complete 180.

Michelle was really supportive of his job situation and told him that everything would be OK, but he wasn’t interested. He was distant and absent.

She sent him the cutest text asking if there was a good night that week he could come over so she could cook him dinner.

“I like when I get to see you :),” she texted.

But did she get a smiley emoticon back???

DID SHE??? 

NO, no she did not.

“Don’t get too attached,” he wrote.

Hahahahahahahaa

WHAT???

“As soon as this place shuts down I’m f*cking out of here,” Baron wrote.

Note: He didn’t ask her to come with him to wherever he was going. (Or let her know who would watch his pets.)

Eye roll.

“Oh come on,” Michelle said. “It will be OK.”

“Really come on,” she wrote.

“...Baron?”

“...Hello?”

But all she got was radio silence.

That was it.

That was his break-up move.

Seriously. After FOUR MONTHS of dating him, he ended things with an infuriating set of instructions: 

"Don’t get too attached.”

WELL IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT NOW!!!

Tell that to someone BEFORE you spend every single night together and force her to cook you meat!!!

Rude.

This couldn’t just be about his job. Because if it was, hahahahahahahahahahahaha wake up and smell the glue Baron, it’s 2015. 
NO ONE’S job is stable.

No, he was just that guy.

That guy that acted like a firm, reliable thing to hold on to, but really was only good for...wrapping electrical wires together.

Michelle said she saw him out at a bar the following week and tried to talk to him but he straight-up ignored her.

IGNORED HER!!! After four months!!

!!!!!!!!!

(finger snap): Oh uhhh-uhhhh

She needs to get him drunk and draw on his forehead.

-Jenny

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