Tuesday, January 27, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Newsflash: It’s hard being a perfect, pretty pretty princess when Disney doesn’t prepare you for how Prince Charmings really act.

Sure, it’s all realistic for the princesses (Cinderella—broke, can’t afford a dress; Ariel—awkward, can’t even talk to her crush; Wendy—in love with a perpetual man-child...also...not a real princess...)


Anyway.

Basic rule of thumb: IF A GIRL HAPPENS TO BE WEARING A CROWN, SHE SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE A PRINCESS.

Correction: Guys should treat women like a princess every day.

...But definitely on Rex Manning CROWN-WEARING day.

Fun fact: I wore a crown once, when I was the high school PROM queen (pretty sure the voting ballot was rigged) but STILL. 

I donned a crown and it had JEWELS on it and my date was nothing but a prince and the crown is still sitting somewhere on a shelf in my parent’s house. Rusting.

What other occasion would a female wear a bona fide crown?

Maybe on her wedding day (definitely a day to treat her like a princess.)

Maybe for when she’s getting her portrait painted to be hung in a castle.

But the most important reason of all???? The day she becomes the QUEEN of a Mardi Gras Krewe in New Orleans.

And it’s that Krewe’s MARDI GRAS BALL.

Yes, Mardi Gras balls have a queen and a king and royalty and yes, you wear a crown and yes, it’s a big EFFING deal. (hahaha click that link).

Too bad Eddie, this guy my friend Lauren dated, didn’t know standard royal protocol.

Lauren was the queen of her Mardi Gras krewe and Eddie, her boyfriend in college who traveled to New Orleans specifically to escort her, instead of treat her like the QUEEN that she was, HIT ON ONE OF HER SUBJECTS all night.

AT THE BALL!!!

THE BALL IN HER HONOR!!! (Sort of)

HOW RUDE!

I mean, shouldn’t he have been BEAMING to be the QUEEN’S date??!!?

Flashing his big Prince Charming smile???

Yes, yes, he should have.

But Lauren said that from her perch on stage, she didn’t see Eddie lugging around a glass slipper, instead she saw him playing grab-ass with her friend Georgia.

Georgia went to the same college and was specifically invited by Lauren.

D’oh!!!!!

At first, Lauren thought she was imagining things.

But then, as she descended from her throne into the crowd, her friends started telling her that Georgia and Eddie had been flirting and holding hands and giggling and getting each other drinks and acting like each other's dates in front of HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS all night.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is the Disney protocol for this??!?!

As Lauren recalls: “I was wearing a crown, I did not want to get into a fight with a stupid boyfriend and people calling me ‘your majesty’ all night.”

Hahaha

“Your majesty, you have the best right hook I’ve ever seen!!”

Hahaha

So Lauren didn’t say anything and continued to be nice to, and pose in pictures with, the BEAST.

Ha

Lauren said every time she made a comment about his behavior, Eddie told her, “we’ll talk later.”

And she felt a duty to Georgia not to ditch her in New Orleans since they had traveled together and she was trying to be a noble and just queen.

UGH.

WHERE WAS THE DUNGEON???

Lauren said, “It was awful: all eyes were on me, so I couldn't bash his head in like I wanted to.”

Hahaha

Her royal night was completely spoiled, even worse when she woke up the next morning to find out that Eddie had snuck out of the guest room in her parents’ house before she woke up to discuss anything.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disappeared without even saying goodbye!!!

What, did he turn into a pumpkin at 8 a.m.???

More like turn back into the rodent he really was.

Hahahahaha

(I know, I’m running out of Disney references.)

But I guess simply wearing a crown is one thing; a true princess is someone who remains composed and sophisticated despite Prince Charming ALARMING being an asshole and ruining the entire night.

And at least she didn’t end up with him.

...Which is the happiest ending of all.

-Jenny

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