Tuesday, January 20, 2015

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Everyone has their own idea of what they think is annoying Facebook behavior.

(Asking fellow mom friends to comment on whether their baby’s poop color is normal...with photos!, waaaay too much information about the bastard you’re divorcing with incessant “guys can’t handle a strong b*tch like me” memes, posting 11 million trillion vacation photos every day that you are on vacation that makes people wonder if you look up from your phone at all...etc., etc.)

But no matter what your particular Facebook pet peeve is, we can all agree that Frank, this guy my friend Angela dated for a few months, fails the hardest at Facebook.

Because Frank was not just annoying, but dangerous. 

And when Frank couldn’t find his cell phone one day, and irrationally thought that Angela had stolen it (side note: hahahahahahaha), he took to Facebook to MESSAGE HER BOSS AND MOTHER ABOUT HOW THEY HAD HIRED/RAISED A THIEF (respectively.)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Spoiler alert: Frank found his phone in his EFFING driveway.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

But Frank was truly committed to his crazy. His response to his cell phone discovery?

“YOU MUST HAVE RETURNED IT THERE AFTER YOU WERE DONE GOING THROUGH IT!”

Hahahahahahaha

Dude.

It’s funny now, but it wasn’t funny when Angela got a crazy Facebook message from Frank the day after she spent the night at his house about how she MUST have taken his phone because he can’t find it and WTF was her problem—that’s a $200 smartphone!!! 

Also, he might sue her.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“What are you talking about? I didn’t take your phone,” Angela wrote. She pointed out that they had both been drinking the night before and maybe he lost it somewhere.

And then Frank, uh, lost it...on Angela.

He sent her seething messages about how she was just jealous that he was so good-looking and must have taken his phone to go through all of his messages.

Angela promptly ignored, deleted and blocked him and then called it a day.

But then she got a phone call from her boss about an hour later, on a SATURDAY. Her boss was a young, smart accountant who owned the firm and thankfully, also had a track record of crazy guys.

“Um, Angela, are you OK? Your friend Frank just messaged me about how you stole his phone and he felt like I needed to know that you were a thief since you work for me,” she said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angela almost cried.

“Oh my God, I didn’t take his phone!” Angela said, mortified. “I don’t know what he’s talking about! I really don’t know. I’m so sorry! I can’t believe he messaged you!”

In her desperate attempt to defend herself, she got call waiting ---- beeeeeeeeeep. It was her mother.

“Angela, why is your ‘new friend’ Frank messaging me about you stealing his property?” she asked. “...and saying that I raised a liar?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It was seriously the biggest mess Angela had ever been in. S
he had to do damage control twice.

Hours later, after things were settled, she got a text from Frank’s number. It was a miracle! 

It was Frank, about how he found his phone in his driveway and that...(Ed note: OMG)...SHE SHOULD APOLOGIZE for stealing it and making him worry.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(Sorry, apparent mental illness isn’t funny).

Really FRANK????!!? 
SHE should apologize????

Angela told Frank that, no, actually HE should apologize to her, her boss and her mother and that he could have gotten her fired.

Of course Frank didn’t see it that way, and infuriatingly continued to believe that he did the noble thing by letting everyone know that she really was an iPhone thief...who returns items to his driveway when she was done with them.

“Still to this day, he believes I did it!” Angela said.

!!!!!!!!!!!

UNBELIEVABLE.

And by unbelievable, of course, I mean unbelievable that your friend’s public baby poop debate isn’t the worst thing that can happen to your Facebook account.

-Jenny

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