Tuesday, October 28, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My friend Tara went to a work conference a few states away and met a very cute musician who was also from out of town. 

Hank the musician bought her exactly two drinks and then said he’d like to spend the night in her hotel room.

Hahahahahaha


His “I want to stay in your hotel room” request wasn’t a lust thing. 


They weren’t on the most incredible date in the world or all over each other or anything. 


Tara got a feeling that he just needed a place to crash.

“Ummm...no,” she said. “I don’t bring strangers to my hotel room.”


It was a simple and eloquent response to a dipshit request. 


Tara said Hank was put-off, but he seemingly respected her decision (hahahhahaha foreshadowing). 


They exchanged numbers anyway—“maybe I’ll be in your neck of the woods one day,” he said—and then he left the bar, probably to find another bar/bed to sleep in.


Sure, Hank was cute, but she was not that kind of girl. And he was a stranger in a strange city and that’s how people end up chopped up into tiny pieces in a gym bag. 

(I need to stop watching Forensic Files before bed.)


A few weeks after Tara returned to town, she got a text message from Hank. 


“Hey I’m in town playing a wedding, do you want to meet up?” he asked.


Tara was pleasantly surprised. 


The cute guy was texting her! 
And he hadn’t even asked to crash at her place!

Ha

“Sure!” she wrote back. “Where are you?”


When he told her, she frowned. He was 45 minutes away. 


Ugh. 


But Tara hadn’t met anyone cute in a while and wanted to see him again, so she drove the 45 minutes. 


She got to the wedding location at 5:30 and they took a walk around the gardens.

After a few minutes, Hank said, “I have a sound check in 30 minutes.” 


Uhhhhhhh....


He didn’t mention that when she was stuck in traffic coming to see him.

“Oh...really? That sucks,” she said.


Then they sat in awkward silence for a second and then Hank spoke up.


"So, do you remember that night when you turned me down to sleep in your hotel room?"

Hahahaha 


Turned him down.

"Umm...yea," Tara said. 


"Well, I met someone else that night and slept in HER hotel room and we are just TOTALLY SMITTEN and I think it's going to be a long-term relationship," he said. 


!!!!!!

"So I wanted to say thank you."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

THANK YOU????


THANK YOU FOR DRIVING ME INTO THE ARMS OF MY REAL TRUE LOVE WHEN YOU TURNED ME DOWN!???

Jesus. 


"Excuse me?" Tara said. "You had me drive 45 minutes just for you to tell me that you're 'smitten' with someone else?"


"Well, yes. I wanted to be honest," he said. 


Hahahahahaha

And then Hank left to go to his "sound check," leaving her in the beautiful gardens alone. 

Hahahahahahahahahaha


OMG.

I've been trying to think of a point for Hank doing this.


Was his EGO really that bruised that he had to "get back at her" somehow?


I mean, was she supposed to feel bad that she hadn't jumped on the chance to sleep with him? 

("Hey, if you had played your cards right, baby, I could be talking to a girl who played me about how I'm smitten with YOU!)


Hahahahahahaha


What a massive asshole. 

What a douche!

How about NO, thank YOU, Hank. 

For showing Tara that she made the absolute right decision that night.

Thanks for turning me down. 

Hahahahahaha


You are welcome, Hank. 


Anytime. 

-Jenny

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My friend Renee has this ongoing problem with a guy she broke up with months ago about him going around town telling other guys “not to mess with her.”

No, he’s not in high school. 
He’s almost 40.

Riight.

Normally, this would simply be an eye-roll situation, but Leon and Renee both live in a small town where this type of warning gets around quickly.

And Renee, who is very interested in meeting someone who doesn’t act like he's in high school, said she began to notice all these cute, available guys suddenly become really stand-offish with her.

When one particularly cute guy Renee had been flirting with for weeks walked right by her one evening with barely a nod, she asked a mutual friend to get information.

“Oh...yea, Leon told me to stay away from her,” the cute guy said. “And I’m not trying to get involved with drama.”

!!!!!!!

Hello!!!!
Neither was Renee!

“Stop telling other guys to stay away from me!” Renee shouted on the phone to Leon. “What are you doing? ‘Marking your territory??' We broke up!

Leon denied doing or saying anything, which was beyond frustrating since, at that point, a handful of other guys in town told a similar story with a similar warning.

WTF!

I know. It seems weird that Leon seemed to have so much influence over other guys in their teeny tiny town. 

I mean, wouldn’t guys think Renee was MORE desirable for being “off-limits?”

Don’t guys like to be competitive like that?

Well...no. Not when they’re GROSSED OUT.

Because AFTER Renee yelled at him for scaring away guys, Leon went a step further. 

He actually walked into the most popular bar in town one night and ANNOUNCED, “Yea, I’m still wearing my work clothes even though it’s 9 at night because I was at RENEE’S HOUSE having SEX with her ALL AFTERNOON AND ALL EVENING! 

Newsflash: No he wasn’t.

"Haven’t gotten home to change.”

OMG.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How mortifying! How disrespectful!

So now, all the young, hot guys at the bar now had the mental image of Leon and Renee...um...together. 

ALL EVENING.

Ugh.

No less than five guys in town reported the “ALL AFTERNOON, ALL EVENING!” story back to Renee.

“It’s not true!” Renee kept saying. “We’ve been broken up for months! I don’t know why he’s doing this!”

It was a good question.

I mean really, WHO DOES THAT???


First of all, it wasn’t true, so he was lie-sabotaging her. 

Second, don’t guys leave that gross bragging in the high school locker room??

He’s ALMOST 40.

But even if it was true, who walks into a bar and loudly announces they’ve been hooking up with someone for the past six hours? 

Announces that to strangers???? 

NO ONE ASKED.

Ugh.

Stuff him in a locker.

-Jenny

Monday, October 20, 2014

How my twin sister got new legs

MAJOR LIFE ANNOUNCEMENT: My twin sister Joy is engaged!!!

TO BE MARRIED!!!

AHHHHHHH!!!!

And for some reason everyone is oddly asking ME how I’m doing.

“Did you know?”
“How are you feeling?” 
“How are you doing?”

“I'M THRILLED!” I say wholeheartedly, wondering what the fuss over me is all about.

WHAT AM I? A SAD BRIDGET JONES???

(I choose vodka...and Chaka Khan.)

“I mean...it’s like you’re losing your left leg,” was my friend Meredith’s thoughtful interpretation.

“What?!??!” I said. 

“AM I ABOUT TO CHOP OFF MY LEFT LEG??? WHERE IS IT GOING???”

I thought about that analogy for a while.

The thing is, Joy and I already had practice missing a leg.

When I moved back home to New Orleans in 2010, leaving Joy in South Carolina, it was a heart-wrenching experience for the both of us. And as shaky as we were on our ONE LEG EACH, she quickly found support in Daniel.

Daniel, a brilliant scientist who is also from New Orleans, who...ya’ll....actually went to high school with Joy but they never spoke back then, has, for the last several years, been Joy’s new leg.

A worthy replacement.

I suppose I didn’t have to necessarily go anywhere for her to find a new leg.

Because maybe that’s a good analogy for marriage anyway, finding someone who helps you walk through life without letting you fall too far backwards or fall forward splat on your face.

And over the past few years, during numerous visits and especially now that I moved back, I’ve been able to witness how their relationship formed and developed and got stronger and how they really balance each other out. (haha...so... many leg references.)

Joy and Daniel both get each other. They’re both comfortable around one another, they know each other’s nuances. 

If that game show “Newlyweds” was still on TV, they’d win all the points and they’re not even married yet.

They make each other laugh, they both go out of their way to be kind and sweet to one another.

But the most wonderful thing about Daniel, in MY opinion, is that he’s a perfect support system...even supporting the fact that Joy has had a perfectly FINE leg for the past 31 years and it will never go away.

She just found a new one, one she can stand comfortably on, one that she didn’t even know she was missing. And now not having it would be crippling.  

When Joy flopped on top of me yesterday, waking me up from my nap, like she always does, I was about to shout, “my alarm is set already!” but then she exclaimed, “Daniel and I are engaged!”

Somehow I knew it. When she told me that she and Daniel were going to take a sunset walk on the beach with their dog (“his idea”) I thought in my head, that’s....super romantic.

TWIN E.S.P.!!!!

“I knew it!” I replied immediately (because, really, this is all about ME haha) 

We both screamed and Joy was happy crying and shaking and overflowing with love because she had long decided that Daniel was the person she wanted to be with for the rest of her life.

For the rest of the night, I saw her staring at her beautiful ring, the one engraved with the words “hand in hand”....SWOON...and saw her tearing up looking at it, so glittery and shiny and perfect.

I know it sounds weird, but their entire aura has changed. They were closer than I’ve ever seen them before, grinning from ear to ear.

“You know you’re going to be my maid of honor, “Joy said immediately, then quickly added, “I mean, I don’t  even have to ask you.”

I know people are asking ME questions because Joy and I are twins and best friends and have always put each other first.

And now Daniel will come first, because that’s what happens when you marry someone.

But I’ve long seen this coming, long seen how they look at each other—sometimes ignoring the outside world for a few seconds—always meaning what they say and saying what they mean.

(And DUH...no one just gets a new leg without their old leg approving...come on people.)

So I tear up NOT BECAUSE I’M A SAD BRIDGET JONES, but because I’m so happy for Joy for locking in her fairytale. 

I tear up because I’m sappy, and this is the truly the happiest news we’ve ever experienced. And everything is going to change in a wonderful way.

I bought her a bridal magazine to thumb through last night and they toasted with champagne and I truly, truly, truly can’t wait to see how the world will unfold next.

SO...CONGRATULATIONS JOY AND DANIEL!!!!

May you walk on always, together, forever.









-Jenny 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Boys can be so MEAN. (FYI: I just realized that “mean” is really “men” with an extra vowel hahaha)

Also mean? Massive work deadlines that I’m under, so I CAN’T write a long Toolbag Tuesday story today with a moral and everything.

I know...I’m so mean.

But what I CAN do is post notes from Toolbag Tuesday submissions I’ve received that have NO moral.

The ones with a certain WTF quality about them...you know, where I don’t want any more information.

So without further ado, I give you: MEAN BOYS COMPILATION, TAKE 1:

1.) He dutch-ovened me on a one-night stand and then stole my shoes. (Ed note: hahahahaha I actually should get more information about this.)

2.) Immediately said
"don't tell Britney about this" after we hooked up (Britney is my best friend.)

3.) I planned a very sexy celebration weekend for his birthday and found out at dinner that he had actually gone out for his birthday (on the actual day) but I was not invited.

4.) Flew back to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the holidays after almost six months away and asked him, “So what are we doing for New Years?" And he said, "As of now, I’m going hunting."

5.) He had a ticket to go to France and then broke the news the day before he left that he was actually going to visit his ex-girlfriend there. He promised they were just friends and he’d email me all the time. I got one email from him, of a photo of a busted statue from a museum with no subject, note or description. He never called me again even after he returned.

6.) Picked a fight with me because he said I “cut green onions wrong” when I was making us nachos and it made him question our entire relationship.

7.) Found out he was picking up men AND women on Craig’s List, only because I got a notification that he changed our Craig’s List password. He was using the same account we had used to sell our sofa.

8.) Hooked up with a guy and the next day had a mutual friend/co-worker of his find out if he liked me, and he told her that he was actually secretly in love with her and asked her out to dinner that night.

...I mean, can there possibly be a moral to any of these??? 


Other than....just DON’T do any of these things, because they're really, really mean??

It’s common sense, really:

Don’t steal your one-night stand's shoes.
Don’t pick up people on Craig’s List.

..And make your own damn nachos.


Got a Toolbag Tuesday story? 


Email me at JennyJenny504@gmail.com

-Jenny
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