Tuesday, August 26, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

RULE #1: Single people don’t have rules.

#Truth.

There’s an eCard that explains this perfectly:


If there’s an eCard it MUST be true!!

You may think I’m joking but I’m not.

Go ahead! Call me at 4:45 a.m.!!! Buy me a ticket to the Bahamas, leaving in an hour!

NO RULES!!!!

So basically, you can always tell someone isn’t really single when they throw around rules for you:

No, I can NEVER hang out on weekends....

No, you can’t come visit me at my apartment. You can only visit me at my FRIEND’S apartment.

Hahahaha

Today, my friend Kelli gave me a new one.

“Don’t call me after 5 p.m.”

Ahahahahahaha

These specific instructions came from Rob, this guy she met at a bar who was in town on vacation. 

Rob, who spent the night at her place. (Whoops).

Rob and his friend had followed Kelli (SINGLE!) and her roommate (SINGLE!) home to their apartment after a night of drinking and chatting and laughing and making out.

Rob was quick to show off his super toned body (with shirtless pics on Kelli’s phone to prove it) and then jumped into her bed, naked.

Kelli told him that it's one thing to make out all over town, but she wasn’t interested in sleeping with him right away. He grudgingly passed out. 

Then Rob woke up an hour later and walked into her roommate’s room, naked, and tried to get under her covers.

After a weird NO, DUDE and an umm...you were making out with my FRIEND, creep, Rob slept on the floor.

The next day, Rob and his couch-surfing friend drove two hours back home. Kelli got a text message from him.

“Hey! Call me! But don’t call me after 5 p.m.” Rob instructed.

Hahaha

“What????”

Kelli called him at 3 p.m.

“Don’t call after 5 p.m.? What, do you have a girlfriend?” Kelli asked, half-joking.

“Well...actually...” he said. “I have a fiancée.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

“...and we live together.”

Ahahaahahaha

I mean...DUH. 

“So I can’t talk to you anymore!” Rob said. “You can NOT contact me anymore!”

Hahaha

Rules, rules RULES!

(FYI: HE gave her HIS number.)

“Don’t worry, you definitely won’t be hearing from me again,” Kelli said.

Then she and her roommate talked shit about both of them for the rest of the hour—Rob for being a massive cheater...side note: WHY AREN’T GUYS REQUIRED TO WEAR ENGAGEMENT RINGS??!?!—and also his friend, for letting him.

(Tool by association.)

I MEAN GAW.

DON’T THEY HAVE ANY RULES???

Kelli kept her promise and hasn’t contacted Rob again. But she did keep the picture of his hot body. Which she forwarded to all her girl friends.

Because she can do whatever the F*ck she wants.

:)

-Jenny



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