Tuesday, August 19, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My mom always told me to “try people on” when it came to dating and no, she did not mean it in a literal, gross way.

She meant it in a figurative, see-how-they fit-into-your-life kind of way.

A METAPHOR!!!

...Because maybe you THINK you have a use for a sparkly ball gown that looks really pretty hanging up, but when you try it on, it’s actually really uncomfortable and isn’t your style at all.

See?
A point!

Thanks ma.

CJ, this guy my friend Susan dated for a year, was that sparkly dress.

And thank GOD Susan found out he was actually really super uncomfortable before she BOUGHT him, because she was very close to having him hanging up in her house all the time.

Like a sparkly ball gown, CJ looked really, really good from afar. He was cute, extravagant and totally different than anyone she had ever dated before.

Susan tried him on for a few months and everything was great. 

She looked awesome, she felt good and she was really happy with her selection.

A big obstacle was that they were in a long-distance relationship. (Ugh. Never do it. EVER EVER.) She could only wear her sparkly dress every other month or so.  

Ha

But then, slowly, CJ started showing his major design flaws.

He became suffocating and clingy for no reason and at the same time started criticizing her and suddenly her cute, sparkly dress was so tight she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

And CJ wouldn’t let her take out the seam to make it fit better.

(Um..are ya’ll following this?)

“Every time I would try to talk about my feelings about being suffocated, he would get angry and say things like, "Why are you doing this to me?!" she said.

“He got mad at me for leaving him on the couch when he was passed out drunk, so I woke up in his bed alone to, "How could you do that?? You don't want to sleep next to me?!" Susan recalls.

Ugh. Dress drama.

Susan said it suddenly got to the point where she was walking on eggshells around CJ and the sparkly dress kept getting tighter and tighter and one day ON VACATION when he said he was going to move to her city, AND MOVE IN WITH HER IMMEDIATELY, WITHOUT ASKING, she had a bona fide panic attack.

A panic attack! 

Do you THINK CJ cared that she had a panic attack?

Or even try and get to the bottom of WHY?

No. He was too busy being distracted by his sparkly exterior to worry about Susan.

He was basically saying, “This will LOOK GREAT!!! US LIVING TOGETHER!!!”

While ignoring the fact that they weren’t great at all and not even Spanx could help her at this point.

I mean, who doesn’t infer that a PANIC ATTACK in response to “Guess what? I’m moving in with you!!!” is a problem??

AND WHO JUST ANNOUNCES THEY’RE MOVING IN WITH A GIRL WITHOUT ASKING???

CJ kept on.

Susan said that in that same visit, after lots of fighting and that pesky panic attack, they were getting ready for bed and CJ said, "Geez, babe, you’ve really put on a lot of weight."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

?????????????

THIS DRESS MAKES ME LOOK FAT!!!!

The next day, when she told him that his weight comment was NOT OK, his response was, "Well I was mad at you."

UNZIP. NOW. 

CAN'T. BREATHE.

After two more suffocating days on vacation, Susan was ready to go home and rip the too-tight, too-critical dress off her body.

When she got back to a reasonable 400 miles away from him, she told him that (Uh, DUH to normal people), she did NOT want him moving in with her.

He flipped out of course, telling her that SHE needed to “stop causing rifts.”

(…Says the guy who called her fat because he was mad at her.)

Ugh.

If you can believe it, CJ got even more tight ass when he then announced that not only was he planning to move into her apartment without asking, he was planning to replace most of her furniture that wasn’t up to his high, sparkly standards.

WHAT?!?!

Since when does a DRESS make these kinds of decisions??

It was nothing she had ever experienced before.

And it was clearly the worst dress purchase ever.

Susan finally broke up with CJ, as he clearly didn’t match anything about her, both literally and figuratively.

And now Susan can breathe.

And that is why you should always try people on.

-Jenny

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