Tuesday, July 29, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

This guy I went out with once, on our first date, told me he used to be addicted to meth and was actually a meth dealer for a while, plus he dated a stripper.

Awesome, I thought to myself. Please don’t come near me without a hazmat suit on.

Who the HELL would reveal that on a first date?

Newsflash: you’re supposed to be as appealing as possible on a first date, like a dog up for adoption at the pound. 

(i.e. don’t be annoying until you get to your new home.)

Ha

(Wait...this sounds familiar.) 

I’ve written about a lot of bad first dates, but when I heard about how this douche William behaved on a date with my friend Kelli, my jaw dropped.

She WISHED he had been a meth dealer.

Ha

Just kidding mom.

Even though they met on the horrible dating website (they’re all horrible, really) Tinder, he was cute, had a proper job and he suggested they meet at a cool new hot spot in town.

Kelli stalked his Facebook page (research!) before their date and his pictures were fun, happy—48 likes on a profile picture! Hello Mr. Popular!!!

(Second newsflash: Facebook is not reality.)

Kelli said the minute she saw him, she got excited. 

But then the minute he started talking, she wanted to slam her head against the beautiful copper bar top. 

If I were the editor of Urban Dictionary, his picture would be under the definition for “douche.”

First, over a bottle of wine that SHE PAID THE BILL FOR (I can’t even), he asked her about her religion, which is a DON'T on a first date.

But Kelli responded anyway, saying she was raised Catholic and went to Catholic School, like most people in New Orleans.

William wasn’t a good listener.

“So, are you Jewish?” he asked her TEN minutes later.

WHAT??!?

Oy vey.

William then decided to show off his sensitive side by telling her that he was with his ex-girlfriend for too long because right when he wanted to break up with her, her dad “dropped dead” and man, TIMING SUCKS.

Uhhh that’s not the only thing that sucks.

Newsflash #34729342895: Worse than talking about religion on a first date is talking about parents dying, because IT’S REAL, YA’LL.

And it just so happened that Kelli’s mom had passed away the previous year, and she was heartbroken.

“Yea, so her dad DROPPED DEAD and I had to go with her to the FUNERAL,” William said.

“I hated having to be NICE to her because I really couldn't stand her.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What an insensitive prick.

Kelli said William kept using the phrase “dropped dead.”

It was gross.

DROP DEAD, WILLIAM.

Kelli tried to keep it together, but all she could think about was her own mom’s death and going to her own mom’s funeral and thinking about the guy she was dating at the time and she teared up right there at the bar.

“I’m sorry, I have to leave,” Kelli said. 

It was then that William finally got around to paying attention to her, and saw she was upset.

Did he care?

No, he didn’t care.

Movie scene time!!!!!

Seriously: 

"I'm sorry, I have to leave," Kelli said.

“Good, see ya, I ran into another ex-girlfriend before our date and we are going out tomorrow and I’m still in love with her,” he responded.

!!!!


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(Ed note: Yea right. That's probably what he says to every girl who walks away from him.)

William didn't even ask her if she was OK!

Or even ask her what was wrong!

HAHAHAHAHAHA 

Who DOES that??!?

48 Facebook DISLIKES!!

I mean, were there hidden cameras somewhere?

Did she really pay $30 to sit at a bar with a douche who made her cry?

Ugh.

"Do you want the number for the former meth dealer?" I offered.

Hahahahaha

Oy vey.

-Jenny

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