Tuesday, July 1, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

When I was in college, my dorm roommate got me one of those Worst-Case Scenario “Survival Guide” books for Christmas, only, instead of it teaching me how to survive a bear attack or how to splint my own arm, it was a survival guide for men and dating.

Cuz it’s a god damn jungle out there, ya’ll.

There were helpful hints in the book for how to tell if you were dating a married man, a loser, or cheater.

(Such as: Check his ring finger for a ring tan or indentation that would suggest a wedding ring was recently removed. Snoop in his glovebox and see if his vehicle is co-registered to a female. If you wake up one morning and don't remember his name hahahaha search his bathroom for a prescription bottle that has his name on it.)

Hahahaha

See? Jungle.

But all of these tricks are WAAAAY too clever for Cameron, this guy who my friend Jane recently dated. 

He was so obvious about his wandering eye it hurt.

There was no need to be some crazy private investigator.
No need to consult a book.

Cameron and Jane met on Tinder, the most shallow of all the online dating sites, and yes, Jane should have known better.

She took their dinner date with a grain of salt and was pleasantly surprised to learn that he was hot, a veterinarian (swoon!) and incredibly kind and smart. 

No kids, never been married, check check CHECK!

On their second date, he cooked her an amazing dinner and pretty soon after that they were sharing a bed, sharing their hopes and dreams and Cameron told her he was falling in love with her.

CHECK!

A month later, he asked her to be exclusive.

Yea...HIS idea.

Jane was over the moon except for one very big problem: his phone.

She said the whole time they were hanging out, Cameron always kept his phone on silent, and would always place it FACE DOWN on the table.

FACE DOWN!

Expensive iPhone glass...face down!

Was he that uninterested in his phone that he didn’t want to see or hear it?

No.

“He would always check it, and I could tell he would be reading texts,” Jane said.

Then he'd put it back on the table face down. 

Hahaha

It was confusing; Cameron kept telling her that he was head over heels in love with her, how amazing she was and how he's never met anyone like her before, but then when he would check his phone, he would immediately turn it away from her.

Like hunched over the screen, she said, his entire body practically under the table, guarding it with his life. As if she wouldn’t notice.

Hahahaha

Uhh...who do you think you're fooling?

Hunchback Quasi-MORON

(Haha dork.)

So, like any good survivalist, Jane decided to search his damn phone.

He wanted to be exclusive after all, he should have had nothing to hide. 

Right???

Ahahahahahaha

She looked through his text messages in horror.

“He was sexting some chick the same night he told me he loved me,” Jane reported.

SEXTING!!

(Uh, high school called…they want their after-school activity back.)

Jane explained further: “And it wasn’t just a little sext message, it was a fucking dissertation. Super dirty and explicate.”

HAHAHAHA

Such a ladies man!

It wasn’t surprising.

Why else would he turn his phone upside down and guard it with his life??

How OBVIOUS is that??

Also not surprising?

Jane said, “He had been trying to make plans to meet with her on one of his recent ‘out of town’ trips."

!!!!!!!!!!

Right.

The only surprising thing was why Cameron suggested being exclusive at all, and telling her he loved her when he had another woman on the side.

WHO DOES THAT??

JUST ADMIT YOU’RE A GREEDY, SEXTING MAN-WHORE!!!! 

Why pretend like you want an exclusive girlfriend??

Even though Jane knew it was over, she wanted to call him the F out.

(And this is where I laugh at everything.)

She asked him if he was seeing someone else.

He looked offended.

BAHAHAHAHA

“No, of course not! We’re exclusive!” he said.

Hahahahahaha

Jane then asked him if he was texting other women.

“No, of course not!”

HAHAHAHAHA

Jane then changed her tone: “How about SEXTING? Are you sexting other women??”

She then rattled off some very specific messages.

Ahahahahahaha

A fear of panic came over Cameron's face when he realized he was caught.

Ha

Now, it was pretty clear at this point that Jane read ALL his text messages, so I don’t know why Cameron decided to respond with:

“I was trying to cut ties with her!”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(No. He was trying to tie...her up.)

Cameron pleaded with Jane to forgive him.

“He said it was ‘totally out of character’ of him and to please give him another chance to prove to me he is a good guy," she said.

HAHAHAHA

Out of character.

(Survival book tip #24235293: If a guy insists that he’s a “good guy,” he’s not.)

And of course no mention of the fact that he had just LIED to her face. Three times.

Jane’s response: You don’t want to lose me? You should've thought about that when you were sexting other women.

Snap.

Then walked out of his house, supremely disappointed. 

To this day, Cameron still calls and texts Jane, “wanting another chance to prove he’s a good guy,” she said.

Hahahaha

No way! 

Jane done left the jungle.

-Jenny

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