Tuesday, April 29, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

The first sketchy thing about Dale was that he listed his ethnicity on his online dating profile as “Asian,” but when my friend Monica met him in real life, he was clearly Indian.

Monica was pissed about the switcheroo, not because she has anything against Indians, but because he was already starting off on the wrong foot as a liar.

IF HE PULLED THAT ON THE S.A.T. EXAM, THEY’D DISQUALIFY HIM!!

When Monica asked him about it, he said he was “half-Asian.”

Um.

Ok.

He had an Asian last name, and Monica figured maybe he was one of those American melting pot babies.

They were in Washington, D.C. after all. International town. Diplomacy.

Over dinner, they talked about their respective lives and experiences – she was a financial planner at a huge firm and about to get her MBA; he was a commercial loan officer at a huge bank you’ve definitely heard of. 

He had just relocated from Florida to D.C. for a promotion and bigger office.

“That’s why I’m online dating,” Dale said. “I don’t know anyone here yet. My phone is a temporary corporate phone; my apartment is a corporate lease.”

Monica was intrigued. It’s not very often you meet guys on an online dating site in their 30s who have their shit together.

(Uhhh no offense to EVERYONE I’ve met online in real life.)

Dale seemed great and interesting and he paid the dinner bill.  

Monica let him drive her home instead of take a cab. They totally made out and even though Dale pouted about it, she went inside by herself.

The next TEN dates were just as swoon-worthy as the first. 

Dale was really excited about his job and even more excited because he got an offer on his house he was selling in Florida and was going to make a profit.

He liked to jet around up the East Coast on the weekend.

He wasn’t on Facebook, Twitter OR Linkeden.

He was the most interesting man in the world!

Dale told Monica all these sweet things about how he’s always wanted to meet someone who looks just like her, always wanted to meet someone who was smart like her and that she was super special.

But then he got sketchy.

“Hey sorry I haven’t been around,” he wrote her IN AN EMAIL after almost a week of suddenly no contact. “My brother was skiing in Massachusetts and broke his neck and I’ve been here with him at the hospital.”

He never mentioned a brother before.

She emailed him back to say she was sorry and they kept emailing back and forth without him mentioning why they weren't using phones.

It was Monica’s birthday the following week, and Dale said he was going to plan something really great.

But then he didn’t text her OR email her for three days leading up to the big day.

So two hours before dinner, she texted, “I’m so excited for my birthday dinner!”

“Oh, yea, happy birthday!” he wrote back. “I’ve got this GREAT evening planned!”

Ok.
Whew.

He showed up at her house with cheap flowers and a card.
She noted that the NOTE he wrote had the tell-tale sign of being written against a steering wheel.

He totally forgot her birthday!

But it kept getting worse.

“I’m taking us to this really great comedy club!” he said, even though she had told him in their email exchanges that she had just seen comedy and was tired of it.

Then he took her to NOT a fancy dinner or comedy club in the good part of D.C., but a place completely isolated 30 minutes away that happened to have open mic that night.

“Sorry, it’s just been crazy with my brother - I’ve been flying up to Canada to see him,” Dale said.

Um.

What.

“He lives in Canada?” Monica asked.

“No, that’s where he was skiing.”

Um.

What????!!!!?

Um, busted.

He honestly forgot that he told her his brother was skiing in Massachusetts???

Monica blinked twice and then saw nothing but red warning signs. 

She was dating a sketchball! 

1.) Him saying he’s Asian but really being Indian. 
2.) Emailing and not calling for no real reason. 
3.) Screwing up Massachusetts and Canada.

Not helping: The stupid, cheap card.

“You know...I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” Monica said, after he paid the bill. (haha)

“I don’t think you’re being honest with me about some things and I can’t really put my finger on it exactly, but it’s just not going to work.”

She braced for having to explain all of her concerns.

“Ok,” he said, not at all devastated. “Whatever.”

Um.
What??!?

Without asking, Dale simply drove off in his rich, fancy car.

Rich and fancy car…

Hmmm…

Something was definitely fishy.

At work the next day, she walked into her co-worker’s office.

“Hey, can you do a background check for me?” Monica asked.

Their firm did this all the time, vetting people who were interested in loans or buying stock or whatever else people do at “firms.”

“Sure,” her co-worker said. “What’s his name?

“Dale (something Asian).”

She typed it in.

SURPRISE!!!

There was no record of Dale Something Asian having credit, owning property, or even existing in this country.

“That’s weird…do you have a social security number I can try?” her co-worker asked.

“No...” Monica said. “But he HAS to be there, he just sold a house in Florida; he must be in the system.”

(Awwww. She still believed that.)

“No. That name is not coming up,” her co-worker said.

WTF!

Monica was almost frightened.

Who exactly had she been going out with for the past few months??
It made her skin crawl.

Did he really MAKE UP A NAME?? Was he a fugitive??

Was he an illegal…Indian???

Monica Googled everything Dale told her about himself, but found nothing.

No record of  “Dale (Something Asian)” at the bank he supposedly worked at.

She even googled his phone number, and got nothing. 

Then, almost on a whim, she googled his phone number WITH the dashes in between.

Boom.

It came up on a Facebook post from TWO YEARS prior on an old event page – that phone number with a comment from a man WITH AN INDIAN NAME for people to get more information about the fundraiser.

“Maybe the corporate phone was given to someone else before Dale,” Monica thought.

(Awwww. She still believed him.)

But DUH.

She clicked on the guy’s page and there he was: “Dale.” 

WITH HIS WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN. (ALL INDIAN.)

She screamed.

He made everything up. Everything! He made it ALL up.

She googled his real name and saw his LINKEDIN PAGE.

Oh look! He was a part-time real estate agent at an unknown company. 

And look! He worked as an INTERN, TEN YEARS AGO for the big bank he was pretending to be a big shot at!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahahahahahaha

OMG

Oh and all this “Just moved here" business?

According to his LINKEDIN PAGE, HE HAD LIVED IN D.C. FOR TEN YEARS.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO DOES THAT??

WHO MAKES UP AN ENTIRE NEW LIFE??? WITH AN ENTIRE NEW…ETHNICITY???

Wait, I know - someone who doesn’t want his Indian wife and his wife’s Indian friends to stumble upon his dating page!!

That’s why he took her to dinner way the hell out of downtown!

It was sad, really. In his fantasy life, he's a rich Asian man with a brother with a broken neck in Canadassachusetts. 

Monica still didn’t believe it 100 percent. She was too smart to get so royally duped!

Maybe that’s his brother or something, she thought.

(…with the, uh, broken neck haha)

Maybe it’s his cousin!

She had to get confirmation, but was too petrified to call the psycho. 

He knew where she lived, after all.

So she drove back to the sketchy ass restaurant with the open mic comedy and talked to the manager, who let her look through the previous night’s credit card receipts.

There it was: Their bill, paid for by the same INDIAN NAME that matched the guy on Facebook.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was horrifying.

Monica had never felt so foolish in her life.

Waiter!!! There seems to be a mistake!!!

No one ordered the catfish!

Ha

Ugh.

-Jenny

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