Ok, who the F is Joe Flacco??
I love champagne; it’s always raisin the roof
I found an unopened can of Schlitz in the back of my car and was like yeeeeea
Never deep fry candy bars at home; that’s my new rule
If there were no glasses, I’d die from natural selection
CALL UNITED CAB SIRI GOD DAMMIT
Man, Mardi Gras makes it really hard to remember to take birth control
Van Morrison playing on the radio: “F this song, no one in this car has brown eyes!!!”
My bikini waxer quit #whitegirlproblems
My friends and I literally just cleaned a bar out of all their Abita strawberries
People with cloth bags at the grocery store make me feel like an asshole
I use the men’s room on the regular.
I’m the least photogenic person ever. If you see a photo of me where I look like a stroke patient, I’m really just having a good time.