No, it turns out there are many ways to insult someone without actually using words that would be bleeped on television.
And Justin, this guy who my friend Amy hooked up with last year, is unfortunately winning terribly at this game.
Amy and Justin met at a party and talked a whole bunch, exchanged numbers, and he even sent her a cute "did you get home safe yet?" text after she left the party.
After a few more meetings over dinner and drinks, where he appeared normal, Amy spent the night at his place.
Yet, the next morning, while they were both lying in bed, Justin said the opposite of sweet nothings in her ear.
"You know, I'm really not looking for a relationship," he said.
(Insult meter: 4, due to the fact that she was naked when he said that.)
Then Justin added, "So, don't tell anyone about us hooking up."
DON'T TELL ANYONE!!!???!!
(Insult meter: 13…out of 10.)
Ugh. How gross can you make a girl feel?? And after she already slept with you and can't take it back???
But Justin wasn't done.
A week later, Justin called her and asked if she remembered that he had recently joined the army.
Well, he was going to Afghanastan for a year. Did she want to meet him for dinner before he left?
Amy agreed cautiously. She figured dinner would at least be a better final meeting with him than being given a gag order (no pun intended…ha) while wrapped naked in his bed sheet.
But when they got to the restaurant, Justin wasn't acting any differently than in his bedroom.
As Amy recalls: "He proceeded to tell me how hot the waitress was and how he wanted to ask her something 'inappropriate.'"
No, it is NOT OK to hit on the waitress when you're out with a girl you slept with a week earlier. That's INSULTING.
(I wonder if he would have asked the waitress not to tell anyone if they had hooked up.)
When Justin alluded to them all having a threesome, (Amy said he wasn't joking…a threesome…with a random waitress…seriously), she left the restaurant and hadn't heard from Justin since.
…Well, since last week.
It turns out Justin survived his year overseas and was back in town.
He "friended" Amy on Facebook — her review: He let himself go (ha) — and he started asking her what she's been up to.
Amy gave him very short replies. "Still working at the state park. Summer is hot."
The next day at work, Amy got a call on the radio to come to front desk, there was someone to see her.
"I was expecting to answer a random person's question about the wildlife as usual," Amy said, when she saw Justin standing there, in the park ranger's office.
"Wha--?" she asked.
"HEY!" Justin said, like she should be happy to see him or something.
He hadn't asked her if he could come by, he didn't text her a heads up or even Facebook message her.
Now what was she supposed to do with him?
Amy tried to make light of it.
"Hey, are you here to see me or the red-tailed Finch?" she asked jokingly.
"I'm here to see you," Justin said all flirty, A YEAR after she left him at the restaurant.
"Do you want to get together later when you get off work?" Justin asked.
Amy shuffled him outside the office and said, "What do you mean, like grab dinner?"
It was a joke. She didn't want to do anything with him.
"No," Justin said. "I'm not hungry..."
"I just want to bang."
(Insult meter: broken)
IS THIS GUY DELUSIONAL???
Who goes to someone's work to ask that???
And what kind of girl did he think she was? A threesome-happy chick who'd jump at the chance to get banged???
Wait, SECRETLY BANGED????
"Um, NO," Amy said, INSULTED. "Besides, I'm dating someone who works here."
"Oh yea, where is he?" Justin asked, actually looking around.
"He's at a conference out of town," Amy said.
"Well," Justin said, creepily, getting closer to her. "I KNOW you have needs…."
So now he was assuming she was someone who would cheat on her boyfriend. No.
God, what a b*tch.
...Definitely a hoe.