Tuesday, December 24, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Someone told me recently that it’s easy to fall in love at the Christmas dinner table.

Well, unless I'm cooking. Can’t fall in love over coleslaw.

But under normal, fire-safe conditions, who DOESN’T fall in love over the hot, buttery mashed potatoes?

The slick turkey with the crispy skin?
The crunch of a pecan pie?

And the new sweaters and earrings family and friends don gay-ly on Christmas Day!!!?

Isn’t it just the BEST time to bring a new boyfriend to meet everyone???

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

How many movies have been based on this very scene?

It was exactly how the table was set for Patrick, the boyfriend of this girl Katie I know.

The family gathered around the table, the crazy half-drunk grandma, the rambunctious child, everyone talking all at once as the outsider boyfriend looks in on the dynamic for the first time.

It was all going to plan. 

Patrick indeed fell in love at the Christmas table.

…But not with Katie.

WITH HER STEPMOM.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm serious.

(Ed note: You can’t take a guy anywhere!!!)
  
Patrick was a musician in his late 20s and had been dating Katie for a few months.

“He seemed like a huge douche but I only met him briefly,” Katie’s sister describes.
   
Katie’s family was blended, to say the least, and her dad was on his second marriage to a free-spirited woman who was 20 years younger than he was.

The exact same age as Katie, in fact.

Unbeknownst to anyone at the Christmas table, Patrick and Katie’s stepmom connected over dinner, slipping each other looks, fantasizing about each other as they passed the EFFING brussel sprouts.

…Because it only took ONE day for them to hook up.                        
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                                                                        
Yes, before the Christmas dinner hangover could even go away, they were in each other’s arms.                                                           
WTF!?                                                                                                  
WERE THEY PLAYING FOOTSIE UNDER THE TABLE WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING???                                                              
DID THEY BRUSH HANDS WHEN POURING MORE WINE??

Katie was trying to remember if they had gone to the bathroom at the same time.

How mortifying!!!                                                                                
Of ALL the fish in the sea…
YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S STEPMOM?!??                                            
Aren’t some people just off-limits???

Patrick was, uh, non-confrontational about the whole thing. In that he disappeared from Katie’s life completely after that dinner.

He couldn't even find the balls to tell her! 

Her stepmom told her dad about the affair, and then the FAMILY members had to break the news to Katie.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Imagine hearing this from your dad!!!

Unbelieveable.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, the stepmom moved out of the house, and into an apartment down the street…WITH PATRICK.

OMG.
THEY MOVED IN TOGETHER.
AFTER ONE CHRISTMAS DINNER.

Cue the Ho, Ho, Ho!

VOM. 
VOM all the pecan pie!!

This is absolutely not the spirit of Christmas, ya’ll.

Shocker – Patrick and the stepmom broke up after a year of dating/living together.

Who knows where Patrick is now, or if he’s falling in love with other inappropriate women this holiday season.

The chick playing Mary in the living nativity????

The Sugarplum Fairy?????

Mrs. CLAUS?!!?!?

GAW

Hoe.

-Jenny

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