Tuesday, December 17, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There’s nothing wrong with a guy asking his girlfriend to help him move into a new apartment, but Larry did it all wrong.

In fact, he did everything all wrong.

First of all, he eleventh-hour IGNORED the fact that he and my friend Alessi had been discussing moving in together

Haha

He and Alessi dated for a year and talked about moving in together when his lease was up. 

They talked about where they’d live, what the future would hold, what part of town would be the best for BOTH of their jobs, when BOOM.

Hey babe, I just signed a lease on a one-bedroom townhouse. They don’t allow dogs.”

Larry didn’t own a dog. 

Guess who did.

Second of all, Larry had asked Alessi’s friend to help him move, her FEMALE friend (hahahahaha)

He reached out to her on his own, directly asking her without even bothering to go through Alessi.

WTF!?!

That’s just bad protocol.

It was especially confusing because both Alessi and her friend were of the girly-girl variety, the type that would be perfect at packing boxes and wiping down counters. 

Why would he need TWO of that kind of moving help? 

Ha

They soon found out. 

Because THIRD of all, THEY WERE THE ONLY MOVING CREW.

Oh yes, when Alessi and her friend arrived on moving day, with their headbands and pink sneakers, there was no one else there.

NO ONE!!!

WTF??? Alessi asked.

“I didn’t want to piss my friends off,” Larry said.

??????

!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHA

But pissing off Alessi's friend is OK!!!!

Nevermind that Alessi was already pissed off that this was supposed to have been a joint move-in together, now she and HER friend were assigned impossibly hard tasks like moving couches and taking large TVs off walls.

“I was like, um, ‘do you KNOW me?” Alessi recalls.

It makes me laugh just picturing it.

“Oh my God it was SO hot, too,” Alessi said. “I almost died.”

They finally moved him into his new one-bedroom, no-dogs-allowed apartment, even though it took all day and there were numerous pissy fights between them all.

When I pressed her on Really? Seriously? He didn't have ANY friends he could have asked?, Alessi admitted that Larry didn’t have that many guy friends.  

And when she and Larry broke up a month later, I found out why.

Because he had GIRLFRIENDS, not guy friends.

Yes, FOURTH OF ALL, the genius that is Larry came to Alessi’s apartment one day to use the internet (“mine’s not hooked up yet”), and left his Gmail account signed in on her computer with ALL KINDS of shady emails from various dating sites.

VOM.

“So-and-so is checking you out!” wrote the enthusiastic OKCupid message.
“Blah blah blah WINK” wrote one from match.com.

Alessi scrolled down in horror to see email after email after email.

ASHLEY MADISON!!!!???!!!

(You know, the site where MEN CAN HAVE DISCREET AFFARIS.)

!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!

No wonder he didn’t have any guy friends! This guy was a total creep!!!

His response?

“Oh, babe, that’s from waaay long ago, before we started dating! I signed up for those YEARS ago!!”

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ok, Stupid.

They broke up immediately, and Alessi thankfully MOVED on out of his life after that.

Her friends were happy to help.


-Jenny

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