TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My favorite author of all time, Dorothy Parker, once wrote wisely: “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”

I think about this every time I wear my glasses out in public. 

After three years, I’ve finally accepted the fact that I can’t see things beyond ten feet in front of me and I need to stop pretending my eyesight will correct itself on its own.

And no, I can’t wear contacts because I don’t need them to see things up close like my computer, which I’m on eight hours a day.

And I don’t want to be taking out contacts every other second.

Maybe I could wear contacts all the time and then wear glasses OVER the contacts to see up close? – one eye doctor suggested – but NO, that would make me six eyes. Four eyes is bad enough.

Right???

No. Last Saturday, I would have preferred being called four-eyes.

Last Saturday, I was out dancing with a girl friend, minding my own business, WEARING MY GLASSES, when a guy came up and asked me to dance with him.

He was clearly a tourist wearing EVERYTHING New Hampshire on his clothes and hat (I always forget about New Hampshire) and I politely danced with him in a swing-dance style, even though the music was electronica.

And HOW was I rewarded for my good deed?

“Hey…can you take you glasses off for a second?” he asked me, mid-dance.

I blinked at him behind my lenses. No one has ever asked me that.

“What?”

“Just for a second,” he said.

“Um…Ok,” I said, because I’m always finding reasons to take off my glasses.

He looked and me and then made an elaborate display of wiping his brow and said, “WHEW!”

“Whew what?” I asked. “You don’t like girls who wear glasses?”

“No, I was just making sure you weren’t cross-eyed.”

!!!!

(God, I love flattery.)

“No, I’m NOT cross-eyed,” I said and walked away. I was really self-conscious for two seconds (DO MY GLASSES MAKE ME LOOK CROSS-EYED?? DO THEY??!) before I realized that the guy was just an asshole.

“What if I WAS cross-eyed?” I asked my friend. “What would he have said then?? Would he have just walked away??”

Ugh. Who says that to a complete stranger?? And how long were we dancing before he just HAD to know if my eyes lined up with one another?? 

It was insulting. Especially since you never know someone's life experience. Yes, I already hate my glasses, thanks for asking.

Even more annoying, he wasn’t even cute. 

At least I can take off my glasses. You, buddy, can’t take off your…face.

He left shortly after. I saw him. Through my glasses.

Whew.

-Jenny