Tuesday, September 3, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I always find it hilarious when guys think chicks don't know how a cell phone works.

Especially an iPhone. Especially when she HAS an iPhone.

"Oh, babe, I didn't get your text about coming over and helping you move."

"Really? Then why did it tell me the exact TIME you read it???"

With all the advances in cell phone technology and a new iPhone being released every six minutes, none of the old cell phone excuses work anymore.

I’m pretty sure you can even get reception in a tunnel.

Today's smartphones make it very hard to lie. Just ask Randy.

Randy is this guy my friend Georgia dated this past summer who lied about why he was deleting text messages on his iPhone, and used the oldest excuse in the book.

Well, old like an excuse from 2002.

Georgia and Randy were friends first and then started dating and hit their four-month mark when they went on their first trip together, to Chicago. 

Randy was co-hosting a technology smartphone APP award convention thing (geek) (no, actually impressive) and Georgia was there as his date. 

She said it wasn't the dream trip she expected, since Randy didn't seem to appreciate her being there and made no reservations anywhere nor had any plans for them other than to watch bad TV in the hotel room.

She said he also let her pay the bill on their one Chicago dinner date, even though she paid for her own plane ticket to be there with him.

Ugh.

So, that was already strike 1, 2, and 2-and-a-half against Randy.

The next morning, they were catching an early plane out of Chicago and Georgia fell asleep in the cab on Randy's shoulder…with her iPhone in her lap. 

There was traffic and they were running late and when Georgia was woken up with a start, she got her bags and got out of the cab immediately without thinking about her iPhone that slipped off her lap into the cab. Or onto the sidewalk.

Of course, she didn't realize her phone was missing until they had gotten through security and were waiting at the gate.

Georgia needed to call her dad since it was Father's Day and dug through her purse, panicked.

"WHERE IS IT??" she yelled into her purse.

"I remember it was on your lap in the cab," Randy said. "It must have dropped."

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

"Well, can I use your phone then?" Georgia said. "I need to call my dad."

Georgia, who travels for work a lot, was upgraded to First Class and she was hoping she could take Randy's phone with her to her seat and use it during the 20 minutes or so it takes everyone else to board.

"I'll give it back to you when you pass me to get to COACH," she said, and would have laughed at that, had her own phone not been lost.

"Errr, well…" Randy said, hesitating.

Really.
He HESITATED.

Georgia said he then began frantically scrolling through his text messages, DELETING THEM, pretty much right in front of her face.

"What are you doing?? Are you deleting messages??" Georgia asked. 

"No!" Randy said. "I'm…checking on something."

Georgia wasn't an idiot, or blind, and had an iPhone so she knew what the messages screen looked like and knew what the red MINUS signs next to text messages mean, it means they're on the chopping block to be deleted. 

There were several problems with this situation.

First of all, what exactly did he not want her to read??
Second of all, what made him think she'd even look through his phone???

Assuming that a significant other is going to look through your phone unprompted is the kind of paranoia that only comes from someone who has a bunch of shit to hide.

Georgia was incensed.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU JUST TAKE CARE OF WHATEVER YOU NEED TO," she said sarcastically.

She then walked into First Class, fuming, planning her breakup speech.

Randy passed her seat a few minutes later, when the commoners were allowed to board, and handed her his phone. 

"Here," he said. "Make all the calls you need."

Haha Eye roll.

Georgia took the phone without looking at him and called her dad, but after five minutes, the flight attendants told everyone to turn everything off.

She squeezed his phone in her fist in anger for the rest of the two-hour flight.

When the plane landed, First Class got off first, and Georgia thought about leaving the airport and not waiting for Randy at all, but she still had his phone and wanted to hear an explanation.

He met her a few minutes later and they walked silently to the parking garage where they had driven separately. 

That's when Randy used the classic excuse from 2002.

"Look," he said. "I had to delete a bunch of messages because my memory is full, and I can't get new text messages unless I delete old ones."

Hahahahahahahaha

Ahahahahahahahaha

Did he forget that Georgia ALSO had an iPhone?   

Or that no one who has ever had an iPhone has EVER had that problem? 

She's not trying to take a picture with the phone, Randy.

Georgia was offended. 

"THIS IS THE EXCUSE YOU CAME UP WITH AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR TWO HOURS?" she demanded. "THIS ENTIRE PLANE RIDE, THAT'S ALL YOU COULD COME UP WITH???"

hahahaha

She has a point. I can think of a ton of better excuses for having to suddenly delete text messages in front of my significant other before handing over my phone.

Ohhh, babe, I didn't want you reading messages about the surprise birthday party I'm throwing you! Woah, totally busted! 

Or

"I was texting (insert friend’s name) about why one of his balls is suddenly way bigger than the other and I didn’t want to embarrass him.”

But no.

Randy, a TECH APP SMARTPHONE PROFESSIONAL, decided to instead lie about the features of the phone.
  
Dumbass. 

He didn’t have a response to Georgia’s question about the amount of effort he put into his lame-ass excuse.

Just silence. 

And silence again when she told him it was over.

Like cell phone reception in a tunnel...
In 2002.

-Jenny

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