Tuesday, August 13, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Today, male readers, I'd like to ask you a question: Are YOU a toolbag?

Do you have a #WanderingEye? Are you #GoneByMorning? 

I'd worry if I were you.

Everyone might soon know these things about you personally, and specifically. 

Not through my blog, of course. 

See, I change names and details in my Toolbag Tuesday posts. A Fourth of July party will be written as a Christmas party, for example. 

"He's in real estate" could mean he…works for a hotel. 

When I write, he was 29 and too old to act like that, he was probably actually 34.

If a guy's identity has been revealed as a Toolbag in any of the 163 posts I've written (woah), then the guy did that DUMBASSERY on his own. 

Several guys have actually called themselves out as a Toolbag on Facebook and then got mad at ME about it. 

Like I'm the one who told my girlfriend I was out of town, and by out of town I meant "at the strip club downtown." 

"THANKS FOR NOTHING! SINCERELY, 'GREG', a guy named Aaron commented on the Facebook link to his particular offense. 

You know, the post where I changed his name to Greg. 

Hahaha stupid Aaron Greg.

But alas, my blog is the least of "Greg's" worries. 

For I discovered a new APP called LuLu that has chicks anonymously rate guys on a scale of 1-10 with particular emphasis on their toolbag-ness.

AND IT'S ALL THROUGH FACEBOOK! 
ARE YOU A GUY ON FACEBOOK? 
You're on it!!!! 
You have no choice!!!

I know, it gives me the creeps too. 

Basically this is what happens: You (ladies) get the App on your phone and it logs you in through Facebook where it automatically brings up EVERY MALE friend you have. 

And no, guys can not access it to check themselves out. It only works if you've checked on Facebook that you are female. (How. Does. It. Know.???)

The APP reassures you that it's super anonymous and no one gets so much as a SNIFF that you're using it, but damn, within two seconds it brings up EVERY MALE you're friends with on Facebook. 

Every one. 

Even guys you forgot existed!!

Look! There's the guy who I had a crush on 11 years ago from my college Spanish class!!! 

And look...he's a #GreatCuddler. (Te amo.)

Ha

But then I scrolled down some more and saw my best friend's little brother on there with a score of 8.8 and I was like GROSS!!!! and logged off because last I checked he was in MIDDLE SCHOOL and much too young to date. 

(He just graduated college).

I don't need to know about my friend's little brother's bedroom skills. 
No one needs to know that information. 

The official Lulu website states that it's supposed to be "amusing" and fun, and a NEW AGE of dating where you review guys to either warn or encourage others to go for it. 

Like Yelp for men.

One of the founders of the Lulu App told the Los Angeles Times that women share information about guys all the time and how the F is this different? yadda yadda yadda. 

…but I don't know. It creeps me out. 

I don't like thinking about a guy giving great #BedroomEyes to another chick.

Gross.

And it's anonymous!!! Which totally breeds lying.

When a girl "reviews" you, she is asked to pick the box that best describes you and her's relationship. 

Friend? Hook-up? Ex-girlfriend? Crush? Together? 

RELATIVE??!!!!

Let's use "hooked up with" as an example. 

If some chick claims that she hooked up with you and decides to rate you -- COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY-- she'll be asked to check boxes about your sense of humor:

("If this person did stand-up comedy would he be dodging beer bottles or on tour with Chris Rock?") 

How did the first kiss with him make you feel? 
1.) hopeful? 
2.) Like you should invite him in for a nightcap (wink wink)? 
3.) Or did it make you feel a sore…on your mouth." 

Hahahahaha…..no, really, that's an option.

Does he burp and fart? How often?
(This is for the "personal hygiene" portion of the ratings)

At 50, will he have all his hair?
Hahahahahahaha

I shouldn't be laughing. All of these reviews are directly attached to guys' Facebook profiles.

"When it comes to commitment, he's..." 
1.) better than he used to be
2.) a one-woman man
3.) got a few restraining orders against him
4.) The reason I cry at night

HAHAHAHAHA

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

After that super deep line of questioning, Lulu then asks you to pick the best and worst qualities about him from a variety of hash tags. 

Lulu's founder said using the hash tags instead of having chicks be able to write whatever they want makes it more "fun," since the hash tags are funny and not too terribly insulting. 

And before clicking on "his worst qualities," you're prompted to click on his positive qualities via hashtag:

#big.feet  (Ed note: groan)
#danceslike MJ
#SexualPanther
#WillSeeRomComs
#HotFriends (hahahahaha)
#NerdyButILikeIt
#Sixpack
#SweetToMom

…..it goes on and on and on.

But the bad qualities…oh man

#ForgotHisWallet
#Boring
#Doesn'tKnowIExist
#WorldsWorstMassages
#StillLovesHisEx
#WanderingEye
#GetsInFights
#QuestionableSearchHistory
#SmokesLikeAChimney
#DoesntAskQuestions (wait, that's a bad thing?)

again, it goes on and on, it's just too ridiculous to type any more. 

Except for this very big, important offense:

#OnlyWearsFratTanks

hahahahaha

(This goes against my hope that hashtags will just disappear, I MAJORED IN JOURNALISM, SPACING COUNTS.)

This is what the Lulu Screen looks like when you log in. All your male Facebook friends on display with their scores and/or hash tags: 


(I tried to pixelate as much as I could. Whatever.) 

But really! 

Those are my friends' Facebook profile pictures! 
YOUR friends' Facebook profile pictures! 

I can click on any of them and read what a former hookup has to say, like it's ANY of my business!!

The App even shows you other people "in your area" along with their reviews, which I'm sure is some sort of privacy violation.

So there's that. 

Happy Tuesday fellas!!!!!

I guess this is another reason why you shouldn't scorn the ladies. 

They WILL write about how you #ownCrocs.

I'm surprised the co-founders of this thing are actual adults, because this is TOTALLY HIGH SCHOOL shit. 

As in, this is what high school girls write on the bathroom wall about guys. 

GAW! 
GROW UP EVERYONE!!!

Just stick to changing names. 
...And key details. 

Haha I can see this showing up during an employer's search of an applicants' Facebook page. 

"Well, Mr. Jones, you WERE the front runner for this job but a NUMBER of ladies reported that you #CantTakeAHint. And I don't need someone like that on my sales team."

Hahahahaha

It's only kind of funny. 
Good luck guys. 

#DontBeAToolbag

-Jenny

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