Tuesday, June 25, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I really should thank Max for being such a toolbag, since his job was the one that I took over as editor for once upon a time.

…But I still hope I never meet him in real life.

Max, the 40-something-year-old guy who held the editor position for about four years, was fired. 

Not laid off, in the way most people stop working for a print newspaper, although laid off would be an appropriate thing to say here, since the man was fired for DOWNLOADING AND LOOKING AT PORN ON HIS WORK COMPUTER. 

Seriously. 

How much porn do you ask?? 
Like a NSFW email clip that wasn't deleted???

No. 

Try FOUR DVDs worth of 2-minute clips. 

FOUR DVDS WORTH!!!!

Could you BE more inappropriate???

"Hey Jenny, how'd you get that editor job?"
"Oh, the former editor was fired for downloading porn."

Now, please forget  like I have  the fact that I had been USING SAID COMPUTER and TYPING ON THE KEYS daily.

Let's review the facts here.

1.) The computer is not a laptop. It can not be moved, and was not taken home. Which means that the only time and place Max was downloading and looking at porn was at work….and being paid for it. 

I remember my first day before I sat down at the desk, the boss asked the IT guy if the computer "had been cleaned out." 

I thought it was odd, when the IT guy nodded in a weird way, and then they both stopped talking immediately.

When I was finally clued into the office gossip, I was mortified. 

When I asked if anyone suspected anything, the employee said, "Not really, he'd be in his office all day with the door closed."
Ew. 

Door closed. One guess why.

I looked throughly grossed out and was told, "Don't worry, we painted the walls before you got here."

WHY WOULD THE WALLS NEED TO BE PAINTED???  I asked. 

Then: Oh God. Don't answer that.

2.) Max is married. When I expressed my disgust with this fact -  "His poor wife!!! Can you imagine having to tell people that your husband was fired for downloading 4 DVDs worth of porn at work???" - the same employee noted, "Well, he can't very well watch porn at home with his wife and kids around! What was he supposed to do??" 

I scoffed at this justification. Why couldn't he have gotten a smartphone for his viewing pleasure??? 

But then, well, Max wasn't a very smart guy…

3.) He was caught. NOT red-handed or red-faced, thank God (uggggghhh). 

But still, there's something to be said for people coming (that's what she said! No, this is no time for sex jokes) …coming clean about things they do wrong, rather than get caught. 

But Max didn't come clean. He got found out, and in a way that could have put the entire company in jeopardy. 

I swear I am not making this up…from what I'm told about the discovery, the president of the company was at the office alone in the evening when a woman stopped in to look at a proof of an ad that she was running for her business. 

Her business happened to begin with the letters "B-u-s-t….." and GUESS WHAT SHOWED UP WHEN THE BOSS SEARCHED FOR "BUST" in Max's computer????

GUESS!!!!

Image after image and video clip after video clip of "busts" of all kinds showed up - big busts, round busts, black busts, juicy busts…and the boss thought right then he was going to be accused of sexual harassment when this poor woman's jaw dropped.  

They were the only ones in the office.

"I don't know where all this came from!" the president said, frantically trying to close the "search results" window. 

"I'm a married man!" he told her. 

Ugh…yea, so's Max. 

4.) MAX CLAIMED WRONGFUL TERMINATION. 
Dude.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is the icing on the cake. 

When the IT guy peeked into Max's computer and saw that Max had more porn clips than actual work documents, he was fired. Duh. 

But Max didn't go quietly. No, he actually said to the boss - and everybody - that he was going to SUE for WRONGFUL TERMINATION  because, and I quote:

No, really, get ready....

"THERE'S NOTHING IN THE HANDBOOK ABOUT IT!!"

 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then: "IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S ILLEGAL, IT WASN'T CHILD PORN."

!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, now we need to specifically say in employee handbooks that employees are NOT allowed to download and watch porn at work???

What about not pooping on the floor???
That's not…illegal either.

IDIOT.

WRONGFUL TERMINATION!!! 

The IT guy said that threat was how and why they know exactly how many porn clips he had, since at the advice of their lawyer, they copied all the incriminating files onto DVDs in case they had to present it in court.

PRESENT IT IN COURT!!
Jesus.

Thankfully, no one has heard from Max in court, or in life, ever since. 

And the only things with the word "bust" on the computer are press releases from the sheriff's office.

…For illegal things, of course.

-Jenny

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