Tuesday, June 4, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

At first, when my friend Lisette told me that a guy she had just started seeing had pretty much imposed and moved in with her for a week, I was like Noooooooooooooooo, but then I was like YES! 

What an excellent way to weed out the inconsiderate and obnoxious people who make you want to throw them out the window!!! 

This could be the new litmus test to see if you can co-habitate! 

I mean, isn't that the final goal of a promising relationship? 

Live happily ever after? Together??

AND ISN'T EVERYTHING NEW WITH A POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND A TEST????

Richard failed.

Of course, imposing on your new lady friend about staying at her apartment for a week should have been the first red flag. 

But Richard had an excuse. He and Lisette met in New Orleans, where she lives and where he practically lives, since he works offshore and the boat leaves from The Big Easy. 

His actual house, however, was somewhere in Mississippi, several hours away, and in a boring city.

Richard and Lisette had known each other for a few weeks and she even went out to his home in Mississippi to play on the water one weekend. 

She liked what she knew about him. He was cute, fairly smart, had a nice body and was a sailor. 

AHOY.

The morning his boat was set to leave for two weeks, Richard left Lisette's house at 8 a.m. 

She kissed him goodbye and promptly went back to sleep. 

At 10 a.m., however, there was a knock on her door. It was Richard.

"He walks in and plops on the couch and said, 'I'm back, there was drama with these guys on the boat,'" Lisette recalls.

"And…?" Lisette asked.

"And so they don't want me and these guys working together, so I have to wait a week until a new boat heads out," Richard said matter-of-factly, TAKING OFF HIS SHOES. 

And then he said, "So I'm staying here for the next week." 

Lisette was already red flagging "does-not-get-along-with-co-workers" in her head when she - and her roommate- realized that he just invited himself to live with them for a week. 

"HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK!" Lisette said. GAW. This isn't mom and dads house. 

She told Richard that he could stay for only three days because she was working all weekend and didn't have time to be a host. 

He said that was fine, he'd find "other friends to stay with," she said, and thus began a preview of what it would be like to live with Richard. 

Lisette said he did all of the generic obnoxious things that a bad guest would do - including not paying for anything or cleaning, expecting dinner and drinking all their milk without replacing it.

"Remind me to get you  more milk," he said as he downed the last of it into his protein powder drink.

Ugh. 

There's only so much hanky panky that can negate such a crime. 

And, not surprisingly, he was becoming less hot by the minute.

What else would life be like with Richard??

Well, there would be daily workout routines, in the convenience of the communal shared living room.

Lisette said Richard would work out in their living room to a video on his laptop, right in the line of sight of her roommate watching TV. 

(UHH…YOUR HEAD IS BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RACHEL AND ROSS IN SYNDICATED FRIENDS EPISODES.)

Lisette's roommate, who was NOT turned on by the number of sit ups Richard could do, kept turning the volume up on the TV to make a point. 

But instead of picking up on this, Richard just turned the volume on his computer louder. 

Maybe he wasn't so smart after all.

Lisette then said when he was done working out, Richard would then watch videos of himself fishing on YouTube over and over and over, turning the volume up and laughing, basically being in love with himself. 

HEY RICHARD, DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?? LIKE…BUY MILK???

He committed other house guest crimes, including leaving her roommate's key outside under a plant rather than inside with him, because "he didn't want to have to get up and let her in."

!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCUSE ME???

Lisette wanted Richard to leave before the three days was up, but she didn't know how to kick someone out after saying he could stay. 

And he kept saying he didn't want to drive back to Mississippi only to drive back two days later.

The final straw came when Lisette asked him if he could run to the store and pick up her roommate and her a bottle of liquor. 

(Odd how they BOTH needed a drink after living with Richard for three days, no?) 

Richard said sure, he'd do it, "BUT, GIVE ME SOME MONEY," he said.

hahahahaha

OK.

"You can't even buy a small purse bottle of liquor for us?" Lisette asked, pissed. 

Then she started rattling off all the things she and her roommate had done for him until Richard sighed really big and grudgingly agreed. 

When Saturday morning came, Lisette said Richard didn't show any signs of packing up.

"You do know you need to leave today, right?" she told him.

"Oh, yea, I'm just about to call someone…" he said, mumbling to himself. 

After much hassling, Lisette said he was finally out by 1 p.m.

When he left, she apologized profusely to her roommate for the inconvenience and, exhausted, went to work her weekend shifts. 

THE NEXT DAY, Richard texted Lisette. 

"Hey, the boat leaves Monday morning, so I'm going to come back to New Orleans tonight," he wrote. 

Another self-invite. 
Lisette rolled her eyes and didn't write back. 

After an hour or so, Richard wrote again.

"I don't know what's going on with you, but you're not being responsive," he pointed out.

WELL DONE RICHARD!!!

 That's when Lisette told him that she didn't want him staying over anymore. 

"You need to learn better manners as a houseguest. A little gratitude goes a long way," she wrote. 

Instead of considering this, Richard got pissed.

"I have shown mountains of gratitude and done plenty of nice things for you in the short time I've known you. Please get real," he wrote. 

Ha. MOUNTAINS. 

Get real.

And then he wrote: "If something I have done bothers you, you should have said something while I was there."

(Right. She's the asshole.) 

Perhaps she should have, but Lisette figured shaming him into buying them liquor kind of hit on those points already. 

And she didn't feel like calling him to explain point by point what pissed her off.

She was over him, and didn't want to go over things that he'd probably obnoxiously defend.

...And she didn't want to spend her life with someone who watched videos of himself fishing in his free time.

"Got a busy day," she wrote, saying she'd call him soon. "Honestly I don't feel it's that pressing of an issue. We're not a couple. It's not that urgent," she wrote. 

Then Richard wrote back the best response, ever. 

Instead of calling her to apologize for anything he might have done, or get more insight into his poor houseguest behavior, Richard decided to be insulting to all womankind. 

"You know, I have better things to do than wonder what's going on with you while you blow me off,"  he wrote. "I am not a woman, I don't draw these things out."

HAHAHAHA

I'm not a woman???

True.

A woman would have replaced the milk. 

-Jenny

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