Tuesday, May 21, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Sometimes a year seems like it was just a day ago. 

This is especially the case with Christmas, Mardi Gras, your friends' birthdays (it's been a YEAR since we went to that bowling alley?!!?) and (cue dramatic voice) my late 20s.

AND HOW IS IT PRACTICALLY SUMMER ALREADY?? 

Maybe you have a whacked out internal clock, too, where you think that it's still early in 2013 when it's definitely the halfway point.  

And then you remember that your friend who announced that she was pregnant last year on July 4 weekend has already given birth. (Yikes. Definitely not just a day ago.)

Clearly...even though something may feel like yesterday, it's not, OK????

Someone should give that memo to Ryan, this guy who my friend Alicia dated for a few weeks…A YEAR AGO. 

Apparently, Ryan doesn't think a year is too long to reach out to a past hook-up, even though they ended things on account of him being a D-bag. 

(Time does not heal all toolbags.)

Ryan and Alicia met while both on vacation last year and things ended when Ryan told her that he didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship AFTER they had engaged in a month-long, long-distance flirtation and slept together, typical.

"Sorry babe, I'm not ready for a long distance relationship, but thanks for the overnight!"

Ugh.

Ryan was a hard nut to crack. 

He seemed super into Alicia despite their 3-hour distance. He sent flowers to her work (swoon), video chatted her all the time, even discussed relocating to be with her. 

On their second face-to-face meeting after the beach, he drove to her town, took her out to the nicest restaurant in town, properly wine-ing and dining her like they do in romantic movies. 

Ryan then spent the night and promptly left the next day with a "I can't do long-distance" attitude.

So Alicia was basically the most expensive one-night stand ever. 

Alicia said she was confused and hurt when Ryan visibly pulled away after his trip to see her.

It was her birthday the following week and Ryan could only muster a "Happy birthday" text. (UHHH WHERE ARE THE FLOWERS RYAN)

Alicia called him out a week later, and when he repeated he didn't want long-distance, she said,  "You knew from day one that we didn't live in the same place and it didn't bother you, but now after you came here and got some you don't want long-distance??"

He had no response, so she called him a dick. 

Ryan didn't respond to that either, which was fine with everyone. 

We all forgot about him, with his different area code and all.

That is until this past weekend. 

Alicia returned to the beach for our annual girls' weekend vacation, the same vacation where she had met Ryan. 

Since it had been A YEAR, Alicia was now off the market and properly dating someone who lived less than five miles from her house.

As all of us were all winding down from the day, trying to figure out dinner plans, Alicia's phone buzzed. It was Ryan.

"Ryan who??" we asked. 

"Ryan, from last year!" Alicia said.

WHAT?? THAT GUY??  

What does he want??

Alicia looked at her phone: "Hey baby, you around the beach this weekend? I am, let's meet up."

!!!!!

It takes a special kind of guy to write to a girl like nothing's wrong when during their last conversation, she called him a dick. 

Was she supposed to repeat her mistakes of 2012!!!!!!???

Speaking of, this text was the first communication they had in a year. 

A YEAR!!!  365 whole days. 

Who knows what she's been up to! She could have given birth in that time!! (And the kid could be crawling.) 

I tried to point out that wow, he's desperate, grasping at last year's straws for a hook-up and/or companionship. (Silver lining?)

As we all laughed at the situation, Alicia wrote back saying she was actually seeing someone serious, ThankYouVeryMuch and not to text her anymore.

On any day, in any year.

-Jenny

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