Tuesday, April 16, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Today's Toolbag Tuesday is dedicated to whoever set off the bombings at the Boston City Marathon yesterday.
Whoever that is, is Toolbag number one in my heart.

But today, let's talk about Bob. 

When I was dabbling in online dating (shudder), one of the first messages I got was from a fairly unattractive guy talking about how he'd already planned a date for the two of us for Valentine's Day.

"Good news, I have a limo (ED note: hahahahhahaha) and we're going to Fondouely Yours! (hahahahaha) What time should I pick you up?"

I was so new to online dating that I thought he was serious and envisioned this poor guy on Valentine's Day checking his OKStupid messages for my response, while Jeeves stood nearby. 

"Oh…I'm sorry, I have plans." I wrote. Then I felt bad. This poor guy really wanted to take me out! Now what's he going to do with that limo??!!!

...That is, until I found out another friend of mine got the exact same message. (She didn't write him back.)

Hahahahaha. HE WAS FISHING!!!! 

Just throwing messages to, what, 20 girls? 50 girls??? 

Incencerity will get you nowhere, guy.

Anyway.

Bob, this guy my friend Tess went out with, did the same thing…only he didn't attempt anything cute like a planned date. No. 

He and Tess went out TWICE and did nothing romantic, they just both happened to be at the beach two weeks earlier and talked for awhile, but he MASS TEXTED her one Saturday morning with this message: 

Hey, I dreamt I was watching porn and woke up with my pants around my ankles. Wanna see??

!!!!!!!!!!

?????

A MASS TEXT!!!!!  To, like, 10 numbers!!!!

Dude. 

(In related news, the iPhone doesn't "blind carbon copy" multiple recipients. This isn't Yahoo.)

Somehow Bob thought it was an appropriate message to send to 10 people, including someone who hadn't so much as held hands with him. 

HE WAS FISHING!!!!  

What, whoever wrote back was the 'lucky lady????' He didn't matter who it was, anyone will do??

Gross. 

Tess wrote back all right.

"NO. I DON'T WANT TO SEE" she wrote.

Nine other females got the message.

But what did Bob do?? HE SENT HER A PICTURE ANYWAY! 

Yes, it was a picture of his penis. in bed. making a tent out of his sheets.

(GUYS. STOP DOING THIS.) I can't find one female that wants to see that, let alone ten at the same time.

Tess looked at the phone, disgusted. She hadn't seen Bob in over two weeks, and said she gave him no indication that she was at all interested in seeing him naked.

And that fact that she flat out told him no, which he ignored.

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS NO THAT DOESN'T MEAN YES.

Tess didn't write back, and neither did any of the other mystery numbers in the mass text (MASS TEXT!!) haha.

A week later, Bob texted her - and only her - saying he was sorry, which Tess appreciated. 

Maybe he was still drunk from the night before and was just super horny, she thought. Maybe he wasn't that super disgusting and this was just a minor slip-up.

Yet, hilariously, she was pumping gas one day soon after when she saw Bob drive by. Tess almost waved at him until he cat-called, "Heeeey, pump it! Yea baby!" And drove off. (Ed note: HHAHAHAHAHA)

It was then that Tess looked around and saw that there were three females pumping gas at that moment. He probably didn't even recognize her.

Effing fishermen.

-Jenny


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