Tuesday, March 5, 2013

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

This could be a reason why a whole bunch of people are giving up Facebook for extended periods of time: the return of the ex. 

(Not as catchy as "Return of the Mack," but we can't all be geniuses like Mark Morrison.)

There used to a be a time when you'd watch an ex-boyfriend walk away in 1998 and never see or hear from him again. 

You'd cut off ties with your college sweetheart once you graduated (or studied abroad), and then only think about them in passing when you'd see someone who looks like them.

But now, THANKS FACEBOOK, people's real life exs are popping up in real life, like weeds. 

(In related news: A friend request from the SECOND guy I ever kissed! And look! There's…his baby.)

It's as if these people don't respect the fact that you pretty much forgot they existed. 

Of course, there are many, many, many exceptions, like if you each have newborn babies. Or if you broke up on good terms, or you had a nice friendship, or you really just want to see pictures of his hot older brother 
(uh, for example).

Ha.

Max, my friend Maggie's first college boyfriend, did it all wrong. 

He fit into none of the above categories and it had no joke been 11 years since he and Maggie had any contact at all. She forgot he existed.

They dated in college and lived together for one semester with another female roommate and all got along well. It's been so long Maggie can't even remember much about that time, except that after she travelled to Colorado to see her sister graduate from the military, she came back and things felt different.

"It was like I was on the outside of some inside joke they shared," she recalls. 

Of course, she immediately jumped to the conclusion that they must have slept together when she was gone, although they both denied it vehemently and made her feel like a crazy person. 

Nonetheless, she broke it off with both of them, moved out the next semester and has never seen or heard from them since.

Since…last week.

Last week, Max found Maggie on Facebook, over a DECADE later and decided that THIS was an appropriate message to send to her: 

A confession. (An accidental hilarious one)

"He found me on Facebook and said he was finally 90 days sober (ed note: HAHAHAAHA) and wanted to right his past wrongs," Maggie said. "It took him ten years to admit to cheating on me that week I was in Colorado and he apologized. He said they went on to move into a lovely trailer together. 
(ed note: HAHAHAHAHAHA)

WHAT????
WHY???

It was a selfish confession, really. Maggie didn't need to know this information; this was just to make himself (or his sponsor) feel better. And why exactly is it important for her to know that they're living happily ever after together???  

He's lucky Maggie isn't crazy; this kind of show-up-after-ten-years with super annoying news could send someone over the edge. 

What a retard!

Next time, Max, write a letter. And then burn it.

I told her she should give up Facebook. 
For 90 days.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-Jenny

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