Tuesday, December 18, 2012

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are some things in life you can wiggle your way out of and blame somebody else.

The airline lost my camera! (Left it on a park bench before my flight.)

I got caught by that stupid train!! (Overslept)

My cat was throwing up all night and I had to bring her to the vet!!! (Overslept)

In relationships, though, blaming someone else is tricky, because there’s only one other person to blame (And he’s an asshole.)

Some people go the annoying route, and blame the other person for their very clear transgressions.

“You MADE me sleep with your best friend!”

But even in that case, people who wrong still manage to stand by their statements. Which makes it very hard (uh, supposedly) to determine who exactly is to blame.

“You MADE it so I couldn’t tell you!!”

Ugh.

Jared, this guy who dated my friend Natalie, was the KING of blaming everything on her. EVERYTHING.

Including things that were absolutely, unequivocally, 1000% NOT her fault.

Here’s my favorite one:

Jared, an alcoholic, had too much to drink one night and while Natalie was talking to other friends at the bar, he got thrown out by the bartender for doing TRUST FALLS to no one off his bar stool.

“You’re gonna bring him home?” the bartender asked Natalie, after he alerted her to Jared’s faceplant.

“Oh…yea, sorry,” Natalie said and picked Jared up and led him outside. Jared was confused about why he was thrown out and (obviously) blamed the bartender.

“Ok, right,” Natalie said when they approached his car. “He’s an asshole. Oh, and I’m definitely driving home.”

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” Jared screamed. “IT’S MY FRIEND’S CAR AND I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DRIVE IT!”

“Um…babe, you just got thrown out of the bar for being too drunk,” Natalie said. “I’m driving home.”

Jared was incensed, but Natalie refused to get into the car and refused to let him drive.

“OK, FINE!” Jared said. “BUT IF YOU STALL THE CAR AT ALL, I’M DRIVING!”

“Done,” Natalie said, since driving a stick shift was her hidden talent and there was no way she’d stall out.

She backed the pickup truck out of the parking space and started the 2-mile drive back to her place. She didn’t stall out once or go over the speed limit. But Jared still had to pick a fight.

“YOU’RE WEARING OUT THE CLUTCH!” he yelled. “YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN IT!”

“Really? I’m going to ruin a piece of shit pickup truck?” Natalie asked, irritated beyond belief that Jared didn’t appreciate her leaving the bar on his behalf and driving him home.

Maybe it was the “piece of shit” comment that set him off, even though it wasn’t even his truck.

That’s when, at 1 a.m., Jared decided to JUMP OUT OF THE MOVING VEHICLE.

Natalie was just shifting from first to second gear and about to turn onto a busy road when Jared opened the door and FACEPLANTED onto the street. Natalie slammed on the brakes, horrified.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!?” she wanted to yell. “I could have rolled over your F-ing neck! I would have gotten DUI manslaughter!!”

(Yes, this is something that could be blamed on him.)

But before she had the chance to scream, Jared stood up and walked back to the open car door and showed Natalie his palms.

“LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU MADE MY HANDS BLEED!” he screamed.

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Natalie made his hands bleed???

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Oh yes, He blamed this on her. Not the fact that he exited the moving car on his own. NOT. HIS. FAULT. Never his fault.

He might as well have said, “YOU MADE IT SO I HAD TO EJECT MYSELF FROM THE CAR!!!...WITH YOUR…PERFECT DRIVING. HOW DARE YOU!!”

Perhaps Jared can blame gravity for them braking up.

Or Toyota.

-Jenny

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