Thursday, December 22, 2011

Everything that could possibly go wrong with mailing holiday cards


I wrote out 30 holiday cards this year (well, technically 32 because I messed up twice) ALL BY HAND and the mailman just picked them up, and now I’m having a panic attack.

Did I spell everything right?? Did I make sure to put the right addresses on the right envelopes???

What if the 80-year old lady accidentally gets the card congratulating her on recently giving birth????!

What if I accidentally sent a Merry Christmas card to a known non-Christian???

See, I sent these holiday cards to business contacts, so they’re not really my friends.
As such, I don’t know how they feel about cards with rabbits decorating a snowman on the front of them (WTF Walgreens).

I don't know if they’re sticklers for good penmanship, because that ship sailed before I graduated high school.

Will they find my personalized messages and attempts to be funny sweet or inappropriate??

Will it be like the time I got my boss in South Carolina a Christmas present from a voodoo shop in New Orleans and she was like...ummm thanks...weirdo and hid it in a drawer??

You know, it would calm my fears if I could just click on a SENT folder and review each and every message for mistakes, like I do anytime I send a professional (or break-up) email. Ha. Kidding.

Will the snail mail get there in time? Aren’t postal workers being laid off??

What if some people are out of town and don’t get the cards until after New Years??

Even worse, what if they had an absolutely terrible holiday season and get home and get mad reading my message hoping they had a good one???

Then they’ll look at the date it was mailed and be like, what slacker mails cards THREE DAYS before Christmas??

You know, most normal people feel proud of themselves when they send out 30 holiday cards. They are excited to spread joy and good cheer.

They aren’t frantic at the post office THREE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS buying stamps – (“Excuse me, I said NOT the religious ones”) - and suddenly noticing just how cheesy the fake snow looks on the front of one of the cards.

Wait...is a card with a bunch of dogs wearing Santa hats saying, “Bark the Herald Angels Sing” considered religious????

Oh God.

Excuse me while I chase down the mailman.

-Jenny

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