Today is a Toolbag Tuesday first: We have a repeat offender.
Back in March, I wrote about Sam, a big liar I went on two dates with who talked in great detail about his four “roommates” (one of them a firefighter whose girlfriend is so annoying) when really, he lived with his parents.
Why did he have to tell such an elaborate lie? I wondered. Why couldn’t he have just said, “I live uptown. Period.”?
Was he crazy? Pathological?
Thank God I didn’t date him in high school.
Poor Rachel did. I met her the other day and when we found out we both knew Sam, we bonded over his shittiness.
“You know, he’s kind of a liar,” I told her.
“TELL ME ABOUT IT!” she said.
Rachel said that they dated for six years, throughout high school and beyond.
Sam was a year older and he went off to college an hour away while she finished up her senior year.
They decided to stay together, in the name of true love. She would go to the same college next year and they’d be together forever.
Sam, however, ended up failing out of college. But he didn’t tell anyone about it – not his parents, not Rachel. And he didn’t plan to.
But, how would he pull off the lie?
What exactly DO you do when you're pretending to still be in college when really you failed out?
Sam did what any (crazy) person would do:
He made up assignments from his "professors"…and then made Rachel do them.
For that entire semester, Rachel wrote countless term papers for him, assignments THAT WEREN'T REAL because he REALLY wasn’t enrolled anymore.
The topics of these term papers varied depending on the “course” Sam was taking.
For his fake history class, for example, he had Rachel write an 8-page paper about The French Revolution....zzz...in MLA format with all the sources cited. And a bibliography.
Rachel spent HOURS researching and pouring over the material so that Sam would get a good grade.
(FYI, asking your girlfriend to write all your term papers for you is douchey enough by itself, let alone MAKING UP ASSIGNMENTS.)
Oh but it gets worse.
In order to continue with the ruse that he was still in college, Sam realized that the papers would have to be graded.
So, naturally, he bought a red sharpie pen from the store and GRADED HER WORK PRETENDING TO BE THE PROFESSOR.
….And he gave her an A-
AN A EFFING MINUS!!! ON THE FRENCH REVOLUTION!!!
C’est des conneries!!!
Of course, at the time, Rachel was pleased that her work got an A on the college level (as she was simultaneously failing her own high school classes because she was spending all of her time citing his sources).
Little did she know that all the red circles and X’s and illegible scribblings on the page was really Sam's handiwork.
His massive lie was exposed when Rachel happened to be over at his parents' house during a holiday “break.”
Sam’s mom came storming into the living room after getting a call from the registrar asking why hadn’t been enrolled for the ENTIRE SEMESTER.
WHAT THE HELL!!??!! Both women screamed at him, as he broke down and admitted what he had done.
Rachel said Sam was SO UPSET when he explained that he had no choice but to keep up with the lies and it just snowballed out of control.
His mom grounded him and Rachel left the house immediately.
But because she was still in high school and in love with him, they continued to hang out.
“And he even told me doing all those term papers was good practice!” she recalled.
We both shook our heads.
F minus, Sam.
F EFFING minus.