Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture ready

WHAT am I going to do on my last day on Earth?

I’m going to get a pedicure on my lunch break.
You know, just in case Jesus has a foot fetish.

To be honest, if the rapture does come tomorrow, I don’t know what position I’d rather be in — stay on Earth with the heathens or go up to Heaven with the prudes saints.

Yes, floating up to heaven with the all the good people sounds dreamy, but I wouldn't mind staying in the dirty dirty with the sinners and the drinkers KnowWhatIMean?

Hmm.

By all accounts, I’d be one of the ones scooped up by Jesus. I’m angelic (see: blonde), raised Catholic, (and therefore have read a decent chunk of the Bible) and I routinely follow at least 4 of the Ten Commandments.

But, what exactly would I DO up there in heaven?
Who would I stay up late with?
Who would I crack offensive jokes with?

(And I bet DVR recordings of HBO’s CatHouse would be a no-no up there in God's kindgom.)

You know, I still have an extensive bucket list of things I want to do before I leave Earth and last I checked, “seeing a whale in the wild” and "going to Canada" isn't possible in Heaven.

I’ve been reading stories this week about all the crazies who are altering their lives in preparation for this said “rapture.” They’re making signs declaring they are the “good ones” and Jesus should pluck them up first.
(Side note: does Jesus read English? Perhaps those signs should be in Hebrew. Just sayin.)

One family I read about both the parents QUIT THEIR JOBS to prepare for the End, which I found a little extreme until I remembered all the people who lived in bunkers and stocked up on canned food and ammunition in preparation for Y2K. Geez.

(On the bright side, anyone in Maryland looking to be a nurse…two positions just opened up.)

How many times IS the Earth supposed to explode in my lifetime? Scientists say in a billion years (give or take 10 million years). But that’s based on actual patterns of sea levels rising and temperatures and…nevermind. Al Gore is a liar.

The creepy guy in the French Quarter says the Earth will explode tomorrow. (That’s based on his crack habit.)

I have no clue where this RAPTURE idea came from, other than a vaguely interpreted sentence in the Bible. And/or a fossilized Mayan calendar.

But, wait, since when were the Myans so freaking smart? I'm not trying to be a hater or anything, but all of their structures are now considered “ruins.”

And as far as the Bible is concerned, you’d think if Jesus was going to come back for an odd judgement-day swoop, wouldn’t there be more instructions?
Like, “pack your sheep leave your camels??”

I, for one, will be “packing” my newly polished toenails.
And an US Weekly.

Psssh.
See ya’ll Sunday.

-Jenny

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