Friday, April 1, 2011

April fool

Every year on April Fools Day, my twin sister, Joy, and I prank our parents with fake, horrible predicaments.

SOMEONE SLASHED ALL OUR TIRES LAST NIGHT!!! OUR HOUSE GOT ROBBED!! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE!
I don’t understand why our parents — our mom mostly — never picked up on the date year after year and never questioned our well-timed, very bad news.

It’s as if she was never taught that April 1 was FOOLS DAY, and we took full advantage of her ignorance.

“YOU MADE ME MISS MY EXIT OFF THE INTERSTATE!” she yelled one year on the phone, after we screamed “APRIL FOOLS!!!” and said no, our roommate did not get a DUI and smash her car into a tree last night.

But hahahahhahahaha GOT YOU GOOD, MOM!
One of the worst April Fools pranks was when Joy told our parents in high school, at the breakfast table, that she was pregnant.

That one didn’t go over well. Everyone lost their appetite and it prompted a very uncomfortable safe sex conversation even after we insisted that it was just a joke.

In honor of today’s APRIL FOOLISHNESS, I’d like to tell you three FOOLISH things I’ve (allegedly) done in my lifetime and have you pick which ONE of the following THREE is the fake story (in which I yelled APRIL FOOLS!!! right after):

1.) “MOM! I accidentally flushed my retainer down the toilet! WELL I DIDN’T MEAN TO! WHO INTENTIONALLY FLUSHES THEIR RETAINER?? WELL, WHO OVER THE AGE OF 12 INTENTIONALLY FLUSHES THEIR RETAINER?? I opened that cabinet above the toilet right as I flushed it and I heard a tiny “dink!” and I thought it was my imagination but now I can’t find my retainer and the toilet doesn't work! YOU CONNECT THE DOTS!!
I DON’T WANT TO CALL THE LANDLORD!! CAN DAD COME OVER AND SNAKE IT????"

2.) “Mom! Can you hear me?? I’m whispering because I’m hiding at work. Hiding! Yes! In the bathroom! Because I just blew up the microwave. Right. Blew it up. And I might have to borrow $200 to replace it. WELL I DIDN’T MEAN TO!!! I was trying to hard boil an egg. YES, in the microwave!!!!
GOOGLE TOLD ME YOU COULD HARD BOIL AN EGG IN THE MICROWAVE!!!
I put it in a cup of water and in the microwave for two minutes!!
WELL IT WORKS ON THE STOVETOP THAT WAY!!! YES, I BLEW THE WHOLE FUSE IN THE KITCHEN! THE MICROWAVE DOOR FLEW OPEN AND EGG WATER SPRAYED ALL OVER THE PLACE!! I don’t know, they have maintenance guys coming up to try and fix it. Shit, I gotta go, someone’s coming!!!!!!" >click<

3.) “MOM!!! I LEFT MY PEACOAT IN THE DRESSING ROOM AT THE GOODWILL AND I BET SOMEONE BOUGHT IT!! WHICH ONE?? THE REALLY, REALLY NICE PEACOAT!!!
Oh, which Goodwill?? The one in Lakeview! AND THEY’RE CLOSED NOW!!!
I BOUGHT THAT COAT FOR WAAAY MORE THAN $3.25 AND I BET SOMEONE IS JUST WALKING AROUND TOWN WITH IT AFTER BUYING IT FOR PEANUTS!! WELL I DIDN'T MEAN TO LEAVE IT! I left it becaue I was in a rush!!! NOW I’M FREEZING!!!! I HATE WEDNESDAYS!!!!!!"


So…..which one’s the fake story??


Nope.


Nope.


Wrong.


The answer is NONE of them. Sadly, THEY ARE ALL TRUE.
And they all happened this year.

Saying one was fake is MY April Fool’s prank on all of you.

DID I GET CHA?? DID I??

Did you miss your exit off the interstate??
God I hope so.

Have a skeptical day.

Sincerely,
A Fool

-Jenny

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