Tuesday, November 16, 2010

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Sometimes persistence can pay off, like when you open a jar of salsa all by yourself or detangle an obnoxiously long necklace.

Persistence can work in relationships too. Just look at Lisa Turtle who accepted Screech’s offer to be her prom date after a ga-gillion requests. (Saved By the Bell! Best DVR recording ever!)

But sometimes persistence can fall flat.

This was certainly the case with Brandon, who had recently broken up with my college roommate and called our landline 27 times in a row before we unplugged the phone.

Brandon and Meghan dated for four years off-and-on from high school through college, and this particular breakup wasn’t his decision.

He needed her back right away, and thought that calling incessantly would be helpful.

“STOP CALLING!” Meghan and us other roommates would yell into the phone and hang up.

You’d think he’d be embarrassed getting yelled at by his ex-girlfriend’s roommates, but no. Two seconds later? Ring ring ring

Brandon even went a step further and got a job as a bouncer at the only bar that we could drink at without a fake ID.

He was over 21, and strategically kicked out any guy that talked to Meghan. She told him over and over that they weren’t going to get back together no matter who she was talking to, but he didn’t listen.

“Why did you throw Mark out?” she screamed when Brandon booted her guy friend from the bar.
“Because he’s an a**hole.”
(That was always his response.)

Meghan scowled at him and walked away when he came up to her at the bar, cock blocking preventing her from meeting anyone else.

I was with Meghan one night at the underage bar when an attempted conversation with a boy was ruined by Brandon’s lurking.

Fed up, Meghan decided that we were leaving RIGHT NOW, and we left out the back door and walked to her car.

She started the engine and we were reversing out of the parking space when Brandon came out of nowhere and THREW HIMSELF ONTO HER WINDSHIELD.

“MEG!” he wailed, trying to make eye contact through the windshield. “MEGGGGG!” DON’T GO! WAIT!”

I screamed as Meghan continued to reverse the car, not caring that he was hanging diagonally onto her hood, obstructing her view.

“MEG! MEG!”

If that wasn’t enough of a hot mess, a college bike cop was nearby and saw all this. He wheeled right over.

“Is this man bothering you?” he asked.
“Yes, actually, he is,” Meghan said. (Another clue the relationship is definitely over: she sells you to the cops).

Once Brandon was removed from the hood, Meghan sped off, and we agreed he was out of control. Five minutes later when we got home, the landline rang.

THANKS A LOT, MEG, YOU JUST GOT ME AN $800 TICKET!” he screamed.
“What was the ticket for?”
“A nuisance thing. I’m going to come over and show you.”
“No.”

He came over anyway — bouncer job be dammed! — and stood outside our apartment. Meghan didn’t let him in.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT MY TICKET!” he cried from the front porch.
“Put it through the mail slot," Meghan instructed.

Brandon went to his car and then shoved a crumbled piece of paper through the slot. Meghan looked at it and frowned.

“Brandon, this is a parking ticket from last month,” she said. “I can read.”

“JUST LET ME IN SO WE CAN TALK FACE TO FACE! I WANT TO HOLD YOU!”

He was persistent, but it didn’t work out for him and Meghan. After a few more months of crazy, he met someone else and moved on. We got rid of the landline.

Perhaps if there were no landlines, there would be less toolbag behavior.

Also: throwing yourself onto a moving car is not (always) the romantic grand gesture to win your ex-girlfriend back.

-Jenny

1 comment:

  1. I'm guessing you're changing names to protect those involved, so I'm curious as to what crazy world you're living in where it's appropriate to add a completely unnecessary 'h' into the name Megan... How do you even pronounce it? Meg-HAn, Mei-jan? I have no idea why I care, but for some reason I want to punch that spelling in the ovaries.

    ReplyDelete

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